Alex: You are in so much trouble.
Haley: Oh, don't you think I know that?! What am I gonna do?!
Alex: You're going to get what you deserve. A parking violation is second only to a moving violation, which is grounds for the loss of a driving privilege. Privilege, not a right.
Haley: Oh, my God, shut up! This is why mom pays me to drive with you!
Alex: What?
Haley: Where do you think she's calling me from, the Closet and Blinds Union? Why would closet workers and blind people even have a union together?! Think!

Gloria: I love the sign!
Andy: Uh, I'm not sure. First, I thought just a little accent of color was all it needed, but now I'm thinking balloons.
Gloria: Jay, what do you like better, the accent or the balloons?
Jay: I've been asking myself that since I met you.

Gloria: Hi, Phil. I heard about jail. How are you doing?
Phil: It was rough. Stayed in that cold cell a lot longer than I needed to thanks to my lovely-
Claire: Your system is ridiculous, Phil.
Phil: Quite simple, actually! "Cheddah" rhymes with "hedda." Where do you rest your head on? Your pilla!

Manny: [on the phone] Yeah, she's still doing it, following me around all moony-eyed. She just won't get the message. But on the bright side, Amy's on her way over.
Jay: We need to talk.
Manny: Got to go, Reuben. [hangs up] What's up?
Jay: It's about your love life.
Manny: A lot of people here, Jay.
Jay: Consider it an intervention. Now, this whole Amy thing is going nowhere, but it sounds like you have a girl that really likes you. Now, I know it's not everything you want. M-maybe she's a little thick in the middle. I don't know. But why don't you give her a try?
Manny: So you think that's the girl I should go for?
Jay: She's obviously crazy about you. I mean, what else do you even know about her?
Lily: Hi, Manny.
Manny: Well, she's 6 and related to me. Shall I go on?

Luke: Come on, we don't want to be late, like the guy we're gonna see on the table. Am I right?
Phil: Of corpse you are.

Jay: Why can't we just repurpose some of the stuff from Manny's party last night? We got half a cake left. The balloons are fine.
Gloria: It's bad enough that both my sons have to share the same birthday. At least they deserve their own party.
Jay: You think Joe's gonna mind day-old cake? He can't even eat it. He's got three teeth.
Gloria: I'll remember that in 20 years when you want cake.

Jay: He doesn't even know the party's for him.
Gloria: He understands more than you think. Right, Andy?
Andy: Who, F-Jo here? He is smart as a whip. When we play peek-a-boo, half the time he's ahead of me.
Jay: Not exactly "Clash of the Titans."

Cameron: You're not having last-minute jitters, are you?
Mitchell: No, no, but it's a really large deposit, and I want to make sure that we're absolutely certain about this place.
Cameron: Well, I'm certain, and we've looked at every possible venue. And Pepper was by far the least snarky about this one.
Mitchell: That's true. He doesn't throw the word "adequate" around lightly.

Mitchell: Okay, okay, it's this place.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: But stop being so excited, all right? We might be able to get the price down a little bit.
Cameron: [excitedly] Okay, okay, poker face, poker face.
Mitchell: Yeah, now work on your poker voice.
Cameron: Poker voice.

Cameron: Wait, did Tracy McCoy book this room? Tracy McCoy's a student of mine. Okay, I may have a plan.
Mitchell: I am not having a wedding/"Hunger Games"-themed sweet 16 par- Oh, you're tapping your fingers. You really do have a plan.