Dewey: I'm all packed up.
Hal: Good for you. Are you going somewhere?
Lois: He's going to Francis's. Let's go over the rules again. When you are on a bus, what are you to do?
Dewey: Talk to no one, don't let anyone sit next to me, try to look sickly and learning-impaired, cough every few minutes and nose-picking's okay.
Lois: Encouraged. And what if you are on the bus for a few hours and you have to go to the bathroom really, really bad?
Dewey: I still don't go.
Lois: That's my boy.

Lois: I swear I will kill my mother! She just slinks down here and marries off my son to some Eastern European bimbo. The old reptile. I can't believe her leg hasn't grown back.
Hal: Honey, calm down.
Lois: No, I am going to kill her. You know, if young person dies, it looks suspicious. When old people die, it's just the way of the world. There's no investigation.
Hal: Well, at least Reese is independent now.
Lois: Independent?! He's living in our garage! How independent is that? I read about this old woman who drowned in her bowl of soup. It happens.

Hal: Honey, look at the up side. Malcolm is going off to college, Francis is with Piama, now Reese is married. They've all flown the nest. We're done.
Lois: We still have Jamie and Dewey.
Hal: Oh, right.

Dewey: Francis, you have to get a life.
Francis: I have a life. I've got my hobbies, my bus bench, the guys at the apartment pool.
Dewey: I'm only 12, and I can see that this is a dead end.
Francis: Oh, yo you know what I should do better than I do. You're just like Mom.
Dewey: Maybe Mom has a point. Maybe just hanging out by the pool isn't going to be the stepping-stone you're hoping for.
Francis: You never supported me!
Dewey: All I'm saying is jobs don't just drop out of the sky.
Francis: I hate you!

Malcolm: [on the phone] Oh, I'll definitely call you back. Hold on. Let me get a pen. [doesn't move] What's the number again? Great. I got it. I'll call you, I promise. [hangs up]
Hal: If that wasn't a relative, I'm going to be very upset.
Malcolm: It's just another college recruiter.
Hal: Just another college recruiter? You know, when I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may not have pursued higher education at all.
Malcolm: But they're calling me all the time. I must get ten calls a day.
Hal: Then each one must be handled like that's the university you're going to. It's called options. Why do you think guys date ugly women?

Raduca: Reese! Plates!
Lois: Did you see the way she talks to him? She has broken his spirit.
Hal: He's not our Reese anymore.
Lois: I know. It's fantastic.
Hal: Yeah.

Malcolm: Dad, this is a complete waste of time. I've already told you there are only four colleges in the whole world that have the nuclear biology programs that I'm interested in. And this M.I.T. and Kolumbia with a K aren't on the list.

Francis: I'm sorry.
Dewey: That's okay. Sometimes it's better to see water slides from a distance.
Francis: You make plans for a perfectly good time, and they go and fix the hole in the fence. I just wish I had the kind of money to buy us tickets.
Dewey: I would have lent you the six bucks.
Francis: Hey, I don't roll that way. It's bad enough I'm letting my little brother buy me dinner tonight.

Francis: Well, if you were worried about today's activities, you can just relax. My neighbors are on vacation, so good-bye, Seelys, hello, cable television.
Dewey: I have a better idea. There's a job center I thought we could go to.
Francis: Oh, I get it. My little bro is worried about me.
Dewey: Maybe a little. Plus, cable is so overrated.
Francis: Look, Dewey, I know it may seem like I don't have a lot going on, but I've got plenty of irons in the fire. Like my screenplay.
Dewey: It's only five pages.
Francis: They're probably going to bring in some high-priced rewriter. Why should I do his work for him?
Dewey: Do you have any other irons?
Francis: Look, I know it's tough to break into Hollywood. I'd be pretty stupid to rest everything on that. That's why I'm training a possum.
Dewey: To do what?
Francis: Dial a phone, hop on one foot, walk like John Wayne... Stuff that people who visit roadside circuses like to see. So, does that put your mind at ease?

Malcolm: This is my decision. My future.
Hal: You're a kid. You could change your mind. You just needed a cooling-off period. I almost married a Mexican woman two weeks before I married your mother.
Malcolm: What are you doing? You're mortgaging my future for some dinners and a few sweaters?
Hal: I got other stuff: ponchos, seat cushions... All right, I was going to let you make the final decision... I just liked the attention. No, no... I loved the attention. If I was a woman, I'd be a slut.
Malcolm: You were just leading all these guys on.
Hal: I know. It's just... Malcolm, I'm an average guy, in the middle of my life, in a job that can replace me in an hour. I was never an important man. You're the only important thing I've ever done. Oh, God!
Malcolm: Don't feel bad, Dad. You raised me. You deserve the attention.
Hal: No! Vince left the check.