Marshall: Oh, geez. It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.
Lily: Oh, God, I miss that smell. You know, I thought we'd spend the whole time worrying about Marvin, but it's actually nice to be out in the world, living life.
[As they step out into the street, Marshall and Lily almost get knocked down by a cab]
Lily: [gasps] Death is all around us.
Marshall: Wow, that urine smell just got a lot stronger.

Marshall: I keep reassuring Lily that this is all hypothetical. Relatively speaking, New York City is very safe.
Barney: Please, faulty elevators, exploding man hole covers, jealous husbands. This place is a coroner's paradise.
Lily: Oh!
Robin: They are way more likely to eat it in a mugging gone wrong. There was a double hommy on your block like a week ago. Caught it on the scanner during lunch. Knife job. Guy made a real mess of it too.
Lily: [weeps]

Lily: So now we don't have a guardian.
Ted: You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.
Robin: If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy.
Barney: I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend... wait for it - no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now - ...dary.

Marshall: Lily and I need you to come upstairs. This is an important decision and we can't have you constantly interrupting us with this childish competition. [returning to the apartment] Which is why we're going to make it... an official competition! We're going to play Who Wants to Be a Godparent? Right after this word from our sponsors.
[Marshall looks to camera as a confused Ted, Robin and Barney wonder what he's looking at]
Ted: Why is he talking to the wall?

Ted: Wait, this is how you're going to choose a guardian for Marvin? I mean, why don't you just put us in a three-way cage match and go with whoever's left standing?
Lily: We talked about that, but it gave Robin an unfair advantage.

Marshall: Ted, the category's all yours.
Ted: Okay, here's what I would say.
[fantasy scene with Ted sitting down next to six-year-old Marvin:]
Ted: Well, Marvin, explaining where your parents are isn't gonna be easy. Even I, Lily and Marshall's best friend for almost 20 years, will have a hard time doing it. But I do know a guy who's very good at this sort of thing. Professor Infosaurus! [high-pitched voice] Hey, there, squirt! Death is a difficult yet unfortunate certainty.
[reality:]
Marshall: Good enough! Ted wins the round!
Ted: Yes! Yes! You'll see. Professor Infosaurus will be a big, big hit with children.
[the year 2030:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Isn't that right, kids? Moving on.

Marshall: "Discipline." "How would you handle Marvin taking another kid's toy?" Barney?
Barney: That's easy.
[fantasy scene of Barney holding a belt]
Robin: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ted: I'm calling Child Services.
Barney: Wait for it.
[fantasy scene with Barney talking to suited-up, six-year-old Marvin:]
Barney: I'll return your $1,900 alligator-skin belt when you return that toy. Until then, you can wear this disgusting black-and-brown reversible belt. [Marvin cries] Hey, I don't like it any more than you do!

Marshall: Ted, how would you discipline little Marvin?
Ted: I would be firm. Fair, but firm.
[fantasy with Ted and six-year-old Marvin:]
Ted: You, sir, just lost your television privileges. Okay, you can watch TV, but nothing violent. Okay, it can be violent, but you have to do the dishes first. Okay, I'll do the dishes, you watch TV. Let's go get some ice cream! Come on!
[reality:]
Ted: But no sprinkles.
Marshall: Robin?
Ted: Okay, sprinkles.

Robin: Um, I would do what my dad did: tough love.
[fantasy scene with Robin storming into six-year-old Marvin's room:]
Robin: You know where you're headed, chief? The British Columbia Military School for Boys. Of course, you're actually a boy, so at least you won't have to shave off all your hair and burn your "girlie" clothing in an old oil drum while your father stands there and laughs at you through the flames! Oh, my God!
[reality:]
Robin: I think that Robin wins this round because we love her and she's in a safe space, right, guys?
Barney: Robin matters!
Lily: Yay! Totally.
Ted: Now, that's just one point, right?

Marshall: "Birds and Bees." Barney, "How would you teach young Marvin about the facts of life?"
Barney: Hmm...
[fantasy scene of tracksuit-wearing Barney on an airplane with tracksuit-wearing fourteen-year-old Marvin:]
Barney: You're gonna love Amsterdam, little bro.
[Barney and Marvin put on their sleep masks and recline their chairs]
[reality:]
Marshall: Okay, Barney's out of this round.