[Barney goes to Marshall and Lily's apartment dressed like a farmer and playing a banjo:]
Barney: [singing] Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro And on that farm he had some chicks E-I-E-I-bro With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...

[Barney goes to Marshall and Lily's apartment dressed like a sailor]
Barney: [singing] Bro, bro, bro your broat Gently to the bar Hit on sluts, then do ten shots and...

[Barney goes to Marshall and Lily's apartment dressed like a bus driver]
Barney: [singing] The boobs on the bus go up and down Up and down, up and down The boobs on the bus go up and down [Marshall slams the door, then opens it] All through the town.

Marshall: Ooh. Our demise. [Lily wails] Barney, how would you explain to little Marvin why we're not around anymore?
Lily: No.
Barney: Easy, all I'd have to do is change a few words to one of my classics with the ladies.
[fantasy scene with Barney sitting down with a suited-up, six-year-old Marvin:]
Barney: The President of the World has called your parents away on a super-secret space mission. For the sake of the planet, you will never see them again. Now pick up your toys and say good night to Daddy.
[reality:]
Barney: What do you know? That last line stays the same.
Marshall: Judges?
Lily: [blows raspberry and gives a thumbs down]

Marshall: Okay, Robin, what would you do, and remember, "President of the World called parents away for a super-secret space mission" has already been taken.
Robin: Well, my dad was always upfront and honest with me, so that's how I would be.
[fantasy scene with a casually-dressed Robin talking to six-year-old Marvin:]
Robin: All right, kid, here's the deal with the deal. Your mom and dad are done-ski. Belly-flopped off a subway platform. Mom busted open like a piñata. What was left of your dad hung around for a few days. Anyway, plug's pulled. Organs donated. Long story short: I'm your new mommy now. [chuckles] Sah-wish!
[reality:]
Lily: [sobs]
Marshall: Well, I was saving these for the showcase, but here. Hey, Lily, look, baby, his-and-her watches.
Lily: Ooh.

Ted: This is ridiculous. I've known you for 16 years. I'm the obvious choice.
Barney: Oh, come on, if Ted raises him, the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. I'm the obvious choice.
Robin: Hey, look, as the only one of us packing a vag, I got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that. Plus, I can teach him how to bow hunt.

Marshall: Ted, how are things going with Victoria?
[flashback:]
Victoria: My dad made the funniest joke. He said that since you're the reason I left the wedding, you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it, or else. [laughs] You know, he's not usually funny like that.
[back:]
Ted: [inner monologue] Not promising, but not an eight. [out loud] Everything's great.

Lily: And Robin, how's everything with Nick?
[flashback:]
Nick: Finally ready for a ride on the bike?
Robin: Who? Me? Let's ride, Big Daddy. Oh, yeah. Mama likey.
Nick: Robin, over here. Eco-friendly. She runs on corn.
[back:]
Robin: [inner monologue] Total lady bone killer, but not an eight. [out loud] Everything's great.

Marshall: And how are things for the old Barnacle?
[Barney flashes back to sex with a woman]
Barney: [inner monologue] Not an eight. At best, she was a six, six and a half. More like a four by the time I was done with her. Mental self-five. [out loud] Everything's great.

Ted: To long-awaited MacLaren's return of Marshall and Lily.
Marshall: Mmm. I've missed this. Okay. We got to go.
Robin: W-what? You just got here.
Barney: I cleared my whole night for you guys. I didn't even bring my booty-call phone.
Lily: Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really need some time to ourselves. I promise we'll hang out soon.
Marshall: See you guys. Bye.
[Barney's booty phone rings]
Barney: [answers] Yeah, like I'm going to leave this at home. Barney Stinson. How may I direct my penis?