Marshall: Ted, how would you handle "the talk"?
Ted: Well, Marvin would be a young adult, so you wouldn't want to talk down to him. But that doesn't mean you can't get down with him.
[fantasy of Ted using a puppet to rap to fourteen-year-old Marvin:]
Ted: When two adults wish to procreate They lay together and copulate Male gametes, spermatozoa Implant themselves in the ladies' ova! Break it down!
[reality:]
Barney: I'm sorry, don't you need to actually have had sex in order to explain it?
Ted: Professor Infosaurus also has a rap about ignoring bullies.

Future Ted: [v.o.] We played long into the night, eventually making it to the dreaded...
Marshall: Lightning round! First word!
[fantasy of Ted standing next to Marvin in his crib:]
Marvin: Beam!
Ted: Actually, that's a joist, which carries the stress of the ceiling versus the primary architectural load. But that's my boy!
[Robin's fantasy scene with her and Ted next to Marvin's crib:]
Marvin: Nerd!
Robin: [gasps] That's my boy!

Marshall: First heartbreak!
[fantasy of Barney and fourteen-year-old Marvin standing outside a house at night:]
Barney: I know this hurts, little buddy, but you'll love again someday, because time will heal a broken heart. But not that bitch's window. Run!

Barney: Ted, neither you nor Cleveland knows how to get over someone leaving them. Here's how you'd handle heartbreak.
[Barney's fantasy of Ted and fourteen-year-old Marvin talking about heartbreak:]
Puppet: [high-pitched voice] Cheer up, squirt. There are plenty of other wonderful women out there.
Ted: [sobbing] But I thought that she was the one.
Marvin: I'll be at Uncle Barney's.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, once your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily found a nanny for baby Marvin, they were excited for their first night out together in five months. And so were we.
Barney: Mama. Dada.
Lily: Hi, gang.
Marshall: Ah, so, now that there's no screaming baby to distract us, what have you guys been up to lately?
Future Ted: This was a surprisingly loaded question. You see, right after Marvin was born, Lily and Marshall had issued a decree:
[flashback:]
Lily: New rule. You can't come to us with any issue unless it's an eight or higher.
[back:]
Future Ted: And we were doing our best to abide.

Ted: So, you guys spent your first night out in five months, sitting at home planning for your own deaths?
Marshall: Yeah, we found this web site that helps you make a will.
[flashback:]
Marshall: In the event of your death...
Lily: Ooh! I'm sorry. It- It's just real sad to think about.
Marshall: Oh, I know. All right. In the event of your death...
Lily: [weeps]
Marshall: Okay, no, you know what? Let's just start with something easy. Okay. Okay? Please enter your zip code.
Lily: [wails] We'll never get mail again.

Marshall: Anyway, then we got to the section about picking a guardian.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Sometimes couples choose one of their parents as a guardian. That makes it simple. My mom.
Lily: Your mom?
Marshall: What's wrong with my mom?
Lily: Are you... [fast-forward]
Marshall: Fine. All right. Marvin won't go to my loving mother. But he's got to go to somebody.
Lily: Fine. What about my mom?
Marshall: Your mom?
Lily: Um, excuse... [fast-forward] Fine. Not my mom. What about my dad?
Marshall: Your dad? [the shortest of fast-fowards]
Lily: Okay, yeah, he's out.

Marshall: [on the phone] Marcus, hey, how's it going?
Marcus: Pretty freaking sweet, buttwipe. I packed up all my crap; I said, "See ya" to Sarah and the kids, and I finally got my dream job as a mixologist down here at Carnalism 2. Hold on. Some punk's trying to use his snorkel rental as a bong. Hey! [Jamaican accent] You be packin' that bowl too tight, mon.

Robin: What? You think you can bribe them with a stroller? They already got one, foo.
Barney: Oh, this is no stroller, Robin. I call it the Broller. Go ahead. Look inside.
Robin: I don't get it. I don't see anything.
Barney: Yeah, but Papa does.
Ted: Are those Robin's boobies?
Barney: When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, you can inspect their bundles of joy. The Broller. God, I come up with a lot of good stuff.

Marshall: Babe, I know these guys have been a little over the top lately.
Lily: A little?
Marshall: But we still have to pick a guardian just in case.
Lily: In case of what?
Marshall: Don't make me say it.
Lily: Say it. I can handle it. Say it.
Marshall: In case we die.
Lily: [weeps] How can you even say it?