James: Okay, see you later, Ted.
Ted: You're not giving up, James. And neither am I.
[As James leaves, Ted returns to his crossword puzzle. The camera pans out to reveal The Mother sitting in the chair next to Ted, staring in the other direction. Ted then walks into the room and sits down at the table in another seat.]
Future Ted: Hey, beautiful.
The Mother: Hi.
Future Ted: God, you look great.
The Mother: What? Come on.
Future Ted: You do!
The Mother: I've been in a car all morning. I just ate a croissant crumb that I found in my bra. I'm disgusting.
Future Ted: Yeah, I saw you do that. And it was super hot. Come here.
The Mother: You come here. Come here.
Future Ted: No, you come here. Come here. Hey, you want to hear something funny? One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table right in that seat.
The Mother: Oh, yeah. I can see it. Nursing your gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword, probably being all showboat-y about it.
Future Ted: I wasn't being showboat-y about it.
Ted: "Vesuvius". Boo-yah! Oh, wait, that doesn't fit.
Future Ted: The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself right at this table.
The Mother: What was the promise?
Both Teds: I'm coming back, and I'm bringing you.
The Mother: Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.
Future Ted: I know, but I knew I would. And now it's a year later.
The Mother: And here I am.
Future Ted: Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.
The Mother: Yeah. You picked a real winner, Mosby.
Future Ted: I did. Okay, seriously, what the crap is taking so long with these rooms? It was like this last year. I'll be right back.
The Mother: I'll be right here.

Robin: [answers phone] Hi, Grandma. You can explain how Cousin Mitch is related to us?
Barney: Explain, Grandma! Explain!
Robin: He married Barney's dad's cousin Renee, who he met selling Vachon cakes outside a curling bonspiel in Chicoutimi.
Barney: English, Grandma, English!
Robin: And on our side of the family, he was adopted because his real parents were eaten alive by their sled dogs? That's awesome! Thanks, Grandma. [chuckles]

Lily: So I was driving with my friend, who thinks he's the road-trip master. He has leather driving gloves. Who wears those?
The Mother: Huge dorks. That's who.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Your mother was lying. She had her own pair.
Lily: And he always makes us stop to see some weird roadside attraction no one except him gives a crap about.
The Mother: Nerd alert!
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the seven-hour detour on our trip to Disney World so your mother didn't miss
that goat in South Carolina who could blow smoke rings.
Lily: And he won't go one mile an hour over the speed limit.
The Mother: That would drive me crazy. I would give him a humiliating nickname until he stopped driving like a little girl.
Future Ted: It was Lady Tedwina Slowsby. And it worked.

Barney: Oh, boy, my brother wants to know what time he goes on at the reception.
Robin: What does that mean?
Barney: Every wedding he attends, James insists on performing.
[flashback to a side portrait of James wearing a prosthetic beard, a white-haired wig and a white suit:]
James: [singing] Islands in the stream That is what we are No one in between
[present:]
Robin: So? What do you got against K-Rodge? Everybody loves "The Gambler."
Barney: Wait for it.
[flashback:]
James: How can we be wrong?
[James turns to the other side, revealing a blonde wig, no beard and a sparkly red dress:]
James: Sail away with me To another world [turns back] And we rely on each other Uh-huh

Lily: So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Ooh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital "I"? I'm all yours, Teddy Westside.
Ted: Actually, tonight it's Teddy Westchester. Got to head up to the house, take care of some stuff.
Lily: Oh, yeah, how's the restoration going?
Ted: Actually, done.
Lily: You finished the house? Well, I want to see it
Ted: Marshall already canceled the cable, huh?
Lily: And the Wi-Fi. It's like Little House on the Freaking Prairie up there.

Robin: Give him the worst night of his life.
[title: "The Barney"]
Robin: We'll give him the worst hotel room with the worst entertainment, the wrong Karate Kid, and the absolute last stripper he would want to see.
[flashback:]
Quinn: Hold on. You want me to pretend my life's gone to crap and I'm back to stripping just screw with my ex-fiance? I love it!
[back:]
Robin: That party will be so terrible, he'll have to leave it. Then I'll instruct his arch-nemesis to say, "I mean, what kind of loser has his bachelor party ten yards from A.C. and doesn't even gamble?" Barney will take the envelope of cash I gave him and head straight into our trap. Meanwhile, I'll make sure he's abandoned me in my nightmare scenario.
Ted: Wait, hold on. Is there any chance this is all too mean to Barney? [all laugh] Just kidding.
Robin: Okay, we just need the finale.
Marshall: Oh! The Chinese mobsters chop off my hand right in front of Barney! Yes, we're all equally enthused! [nobody high-fives Marshall]
Robin: Okay, here's the plan. After I storm off...

Barney: [answers phone] Hey, Robin.
Robin: Hey, sweetie, having fun at your bachelor party?
Barney: No.
Robin: Good, 'cause my night's been hell!
[flashback:]
Loretta: And that's the inverted chimney sweep, the last of the 17 basic sexual positions. Now, bondage...
Robin: Stop! I'm not a virgin! My napkin ring has seen plenty of breadsticks. And one baguette. I dated a center for the Knicks.
Loretta: Oh, thank God you're not a prude. Now we can really talk. Four cosmos, pronto!
[present:]
Robin: [on the phone] Now she's drunk, holding up a napkin ring and three breadsticks, and talking about her night with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
Loretta: [o.s.] Waiter, can I have another breadstick?
Robin: And Young. Please come back.

Lily: Okay, I'm gonna call The Captain, get this over with.
The Captain: [answers phone] Ahoy.
Lily: Hello, Captain?
The Captain: Lily, I hope you're not calling to harpoon our big move to Rome.
Lily: Thank you, but I can't ask my husband to abandon his career.
The Captain: Would you like me to try and convince him? I'm very persuasive.
Lily: I'm sorry, the ship has sailed.
The Captain: What's that mean?
Lily: Well, you know, "The ship has sailed"? That it's over and there's nothing you can do?
The Captain: What a peculiar expression. Well, thanks for all your hard work, Lily. I've never been good at good-byes, so... [hangs up]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, it's been almost 20 years since that cold April night in 2013, and I can safely tell you, if I could go back in time and relive that night, there's no way in hell I'd go to Robots vs. Wrestlers. No, I'd go home. I'd go to my old apartment, see all my old furniture, my old stuff. I'd see my old drafting table, where I sketched out my first building. I'd sit on that old couch and smell the Indian food cooking three stories below. I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place, be back in that old living room where so many things happened. I'd see the baby. I don't know if you can picture me holding your six-foot-seven cousin Marvin over my head, but back then I could. I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin, watch them fight about their caterer or whatever it was they were fighting about that night. But none of those things is the thing I'd do first. You know the thing I'd do first?
[From outside MacLaren's, Ted runs down the street to an apartment building, where he knocks on a door:]
Ted: Hi. I'm Ted Mosby. And exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet, and we're gonna fall in love, and we're gonna get married, and... we're gonna have two kids. And we're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away. But I'm here now, I guess, because... I want those extra 45 days... with you. I want each one of them. Look, and if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because... I love you. I'm always gonna love you, till the end of my days and beyond. You'll see.
Man: Can I help you?
Ted: Oh, hey, it's... Louis, right? It's okay. It's fine... I'm in love with your girlfriend, and... we're gonna get married.
Man: What?
Ted: Yeah.
[Louis punches Ted in the face and he falls the ground. With a shiner around his eye, Ted smiles.]
[The camera returns to Ted, still standing outside MacLaren's]

Robin: I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to drive people away.
Barney: No, I'm not. I'm just trying to show off all of its one-of-a-kind features. See, see, there's also... Venice. Niagara Falls, African safari. Oh, and my favorite, huh? Nothing gets a girl to go from "on the fence" to "on all fours" faster than thinking everyone she's ever held dear is a glowing pile of ash. Mushroom cloud five.