Mark: Hey, Mom! Did you ever get a hold of your professor?
Jill: No. And, you know, none of this would've happened if you hadn't taped me without my knowledge. Don't you know that's illegal?
Mark: It would be, except you said I could tape you. I have it on tape.

Tim: Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. Sure gonna miss him. Probably ran away. Boy, he's the best darned assistant a dad could ever have. I don't think I can finish that mower without him. I don't think I'll be able to rewire anything ever again. Boy, could that kid grunt. No matter where you are, Mark, this one's for you. [grunts]
Mark: [o.s.] [grunts]
Tim: That tree just grunted at me.
Mark: No, it didn't.
Tim: Yes, it did. I heard it.
Mark: No, Daddy. It's me.

Mark: Please don't trade me away, like you did Peter.
Tim: Peter?
Mark: The son you traded in for me.
Tim: What are you talking about?
Mark: The one who broke your flashlight. Don't you even remember him?
Tim: Where do you get ideas... Let me guess. Brad? Randy? [they run away]
Brad: Book it.

Tim: Mark, you wanna listen to this good. I would never trade you for anything.
Mark: Really?
Tim: Really.
Mark: You know that tape measure that you could never find?
Tim: Go ahead, tell me - you lost it.
Mark: No. Brad and Randy broke it.
Tim: Good to have you back, son.

Mark: [answers phone] Hello? Hi. Mommy. Guess what happened to Sir Larry.
Randy: Mark! Don't tell her, stupid. [takes the phone]
Mark: Why? We didn't do anything.
Randy: The guy's locked in a box. Who do you think she's gonna blame? [on the phone] Hi, Mom. Yeah, we're fine. Oh, yeah, he's excellent. A lotta fun. Yeah. Good tricks, too. Um... now? Well... he can't talk right now. [to Brad] She wants to talk to Mark.
Brad: That's because she knows you'll squeal.
Mark: I won't squeal. I promise. [takes the phone] Hello, Mommy. Brad and Randy locked Sir Larry in the trunk. [Brad and Randy chase after Mark]

Mark: I just want you to know I'm innocent.
Jill: Innocent? Pouring salad dressing down your brother's pants?
Mark: Oh. You saw that?
Jill: Yeah, I saw that.

Mark: Dad? Brad and Randy are doing bad things.
Tim: Unless it involves human sacrifice I don't want to hear about it.
Mark: Okay, I'll let you know.

Tim: Mark? What are you doing under there, sweetheart?
Mark: Smelling the inside of the trash can.
Tim: Why are you doing that?
Mark: Brad said he'd give me a quarter if I did.
Tim: What, is Brad, like, the garbage fairy now? Why don't you go inside and wash up?

Jill: Mark, what are you doing?
Mark: Nothing.
Tim: Why are you walking backwards? You could hurt yourself doing that.
Mark: Better than getting all my blood sucked out.
Tim: He's got a good point there.

Mark: Come on, Mom. You always make me show you my homework.
Jill: Well, you're right. I do. Okay. Okay, fair is fair.
Tim: You sure you feel like doing this?
Jill: Yeah. I'll just picture you two in your underwear. [Mark starts to unbuckle his belt]
Tim: No, don't take off your pants. It's just a technique.