Ray: What? You told people you don't know me?
Debra: Of course. You were acting like a goofball.
Ray: I don't care what I was doing. You denied knowing me at the potluck?
Debra: You were stuffing your pants with food.
Ray: I'm your husband. You're supposed to support me no matter what's in my pants.

Marie: Raymond, you never read Tom Sawyer?
Ray: Well, all right, I didn't. So what?
Marie: You never read Tom Sawyer?!
Ray: And you never read Legendary Running Backs of the NFL.
Marie: That's sports.
Ray: That's right, Ma, a sports book. A sports book! That's because that's what I liked! All this stuff they make you do in school, that's what they think is important. I did- I read what I wanted to, and look at me. I am someone who did not read Tom Sawyer, and yet I did not turn out to be a hobo.

Ray: Ahem. Hi. Uh, thank you. All right. Wow. Uh, I was up all night goin' over the material, and, uh... Well, I just got a few things to say. You know, when I was a kid, I always thought that we had too much homework. And, um, since I hated all the homework, I started to hate learning. In fact, what I learned to do more than anything else was to avoid the work. I'm sorry to say I still try to avoid it whenever I can. Just ask my wife. Uh... But, you know, it seems to me like the kids today, they've got 10 times the homework that we had. You know? And I don't want my daughter to hate learning. I want her to be curious and thoughtful and get excited about new ideas. And most of all, and I think this is what we want for all our kids, I want her to be happy. I mean, I think there's homework that's important and everything, and then I think there's overload. I mean, are we piling it on? We're so worried about the kids won't be competitive and our kids won't have a future, that we're takin' away their present. Anyway, so, you know, maybe we can just keep that in mind. 'Cause isn't that the kind of school that we want our children to be at? I mean in. I mean of. I mean a part of. I mean, isn't that... Isn't that the kind of school that we want our children to be a part of? In.
Board Member: [to teacher] And you wanted to cut down on the English homework.

Debra: Listen, Robert, just relax. If Angela really is the one, she's gonna have to meet your parents at some point. You might as well get it over with. Right, Ray?
Ray: [turns around] She's not the one.
Robert: What?
Ray: Come here. Listen. Listen. I saw something that I have to tell you, because you have to know, because I saw it.
Robert: What are you talking about?
Debra: What did you see, Ray?
Ray: Angela ate the fly.
Debra: What?!
Robert: What do you mean?
Ray: The fly that was flying around, Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in a napkin, and then she ate it!

Ray: Let's help him with it, Dad. Come on. All right. All right. The first line of this thing should be...
Frank: "Attention, idiots!"
Ray: No. No. It can't be so bad that she figures out it's on purpose.
Frank: Oh, right. You're like a genius.
Ray: Yeah. All right. Well, what's the first line of an invitation supposed to be?
Robert: I guess it should be something like, "Mr. And Mrs. Henry and Patricia MacDougall request the honor of your presence"
Ray: Okay. Wait, wait. So instead of Henry and Patricia MacDougall, we make it "Hank and Pat."
Robert: Okay. That's good. "Hank and Pat." Hey, you know what? Maybe we don't need the "and." Maybe the "and" is too fancy. Just make it an "'n" with apostrophes. "Hank 'n Pat." Like "Shake 'n Bake." Pork 'n beans." Uh, can we do that?
Ray: We just did.

Ray: Well, we go away, and we only take the one suitcase with us. We had a good time gettin' away and everything, but when we got home, we were very tired, so we just dropped everything, woke up the gruesome twosome that were here babysitting, and went up to bed. The suitcase was sittin' on the landing. That was two weeks ago. So life just kinda went on, but then, after a few days, I noticed it was still there. At first I thought Debra just hadn't gotten to it yet, but then it was, like, a week.
Robert: So why didn't you just move it yourself?
Ray: Well, because I'm at work all day.
Robert: Oh, and what Debra's doing isn't work?
Ray: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're Mr. Sensitive. What I'm saying is that... Debra's here. She's walkin' by it. It should be drivin' her nuts by now. At that point I was like, "Fine. It doesn't bother her, it doesn't bother me." Then, a few days later, I notice her wearing a sweater that she brought with her on the trip.
Robert: So?
Ray: So that means she took it out of the suitcase. Is that passive-aggressive or what? So you know what I did? I took my clothes out of the suitcase too, and walked right in front of her.
Robert: What did that do?
Ray: Nothin'. Then yesterday I stubbed my toe on the damn thing. So I say to no one in particular, "Huh, that suitcase is still there?" And she goes, "Yeah, I guess it is." So now I definitely know she's not just puttin' off movin' it. She's- She's waitin' me out or somethin'. I'll let you in on a little secret: She's gonna be waitin' a long time.

Ray: Well, I gotta be honest. I didn't know what I was gonna say today. Uh... I wanted to do a nice toast, but everybody does a nice toast. I wanted it to be special, 'cause it's a special day for my brother Robert, and his new wife Amy. So, uh... I didn't know what I was gonna say. But then, sometimes, material presents itself. Like today, for example. A lot to talk about. But I think I can put a good spin on it. I think, uh I think there's one thing that can make it all better. Editing.
Yes, I think there's a portion of today's ceremony that we won't need to save on the videotape. Editing.
You know, Robert and I, when we remember our childhood, we kind of use that technology in our heads. We only remember the good stuff, like the food. We don't remember when Mom would yell at Dad not to scratch his rear end with a spatula... in the bakery. Editing.
Yeah, you know, anybody who knows our family probably wasn't surprised by what happened today. I mean, Amy knew what she was getting into when she married into this family, and that's why I got her a wedding gift I know she can use... cyanide. Yeah.
And by the way, Robert, if you think it was annoying today when Mom interrupted the ceremony, wait till she interrupts tonight, yeah. "I gotta say, Robert, I don't think you're doing that correctly." She's involved, our mom. I liked it today when my mom said, "I'm a mother, you are my business." You know what we're waiting for, Ma? Your going-out-of-business sale.
Well, I think Amy understands that that's what marriage is about. I mean, she's not only getting a husband, she's getting an entire mental hospital. My wife Deb likes that, right? That's my wife over there, the drunk one. I'm just playin'. She couldn't be drunk here unless she took out a loan for a whiskey sour.
I want to thank Amy's family Hank and Pat for throwin' a wonderful party. They really know how to throw one. Yeah. You know, if you wanted my mom to be speechless, you should've shown her the buffet before the ceremony. But I kid. I kid the MacDougalls.
We get along great with them, especially with Peter, who, by the way, ladies, is still single. Yeah. Still single. But you know, I'm sure there's somebody for him out there, and she'd better be really out there. Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know, one more thing about the editing I, uh I think you're gonna remember about today what you wanna remember. You know, I guess our brains are good like that. Like I remember my wedding day as the day that I got to kiss the most beautiful girl in the world. Yeah.
I think she remembers it. At least I hope she does. It was a good day. The start of a lot of good memories. We completely blotted out the part where Mom was hangin' onto my pants leg yellin', "Don't go! Don't go!" Yeah.
We didn't save those pictures. Just the good ones. Just the good ones. So here's to my brother Robert, and the best thing that ever happened to him... my new sister Amy. You'll keep the good ones.

Ray: Every single time we go out, you make me wait.
Debra: What? That's not true.
Ray: That's every single time. You know how I hate being late. It makes me very anxious. I get all ugh-eh inside.
Debra: Well, Ray, if I'm late, maybe it's because the government requires that one of us tends to the children.
Ray: Oh, don't give me that. The children are nowhere near you when you're up here... [mimes putting on make-up]
Debra: You are one ugly woman.
Ray: Blaming the children. You were doing this to me before we were married. You'd make me wait in your apartment while you were getting ready and I had to sit there and look at your... books.
Debra: You know, you used to think I was worth waiting for.
Ray: You were worth waiting for. But after 15 years, you should be here by now.

Bernie: Where's Debra?
Ray: Debra? Oh, uh, I left without her.
Andy: What do you mean?
Ray: She wasn't ready on time, so I left.
Bernie: So is she coming?
Ray: Perhaps. She's a licensed driver, she's got access to a car. Everything she needs to get here when she's good and ready. [to a passerby] Hey, how you doing?
Andy: I don't know anything about women, but isn't this gonna make er mad?
Ray: It shouldn't. We had a deal, the time was set, she didn't make it. Goodbye. Bacon-wrapped shrimp!

Ray: Didn't you just say, "partners for better or worse, standing up on each other"
Debra: Oh, don't even. It's not the same thing, and you know it. You embarrassed me.
Ray: I didn't do anything different at that potluck that I don't do at any other public place you drag me to. I have always liked beef! And I have always tried to get as much of it as I could at any function! But even before that happened, you made it very clear that I embarrass you getting up on me about shaving, and telling me to stand up straight and tuck in my shirt, like like I wasn't good enough for you. Now I find out you actually told people that you don't know me? I would never do that to you.