Ray: Oh, I'm just remembering the stuff I used to write in it.
Robert: Go ahead.
Ray: You know, like I had a grown-up dream once of my homeroom teacher Mrs. Hustwick.
Robert: Oh, I remember her. Lusty Husty. So Ma read that. It's not a big deal.
Ray: And then I had the chart.
Robert: What do you mean? Chart for what?
Ray: For a while, I used to measure... things.
Robert: [chuckles] Ma read that, huh? That is pretty bad.

Debra: Ray, you've got nothing to feel guilty for. You didn't do anything. As a matter of fact, you were defending them.
Ray: That doesn't matter. Guilt is just a way of life for me. I was trained by masters: my mother, my father, the Pope.

Ray: I don't know what happened. I guess the tape wasn't marked correctly.
Debra: Oh, the tape wasn't marked correctly. You don't think the tape was marked correctly. What is this Ray? What is this big white label that says, "Our Wedding," in gold trim?
Ray: Did it always say that?
Debra: Why would you use this tape?
Ray: I don't know. The game was nine years ago. Maybe, you know, the guys might have been over, and if the game was getting good, somebody said, "Hey, you should be taping this!" And you know me, I'm just trying to be a good host. I said, "Hey that's a good idea, someone else." Hey, you know something? I have an idea. Next time, if you have something on tape that you like and you wanna save it, you see this little tab right there? You just pop it out. You pop the tab out. And then the machine knows, "Oh, you must really like that. I won't tape over it. I won't!" You just pop it out. You pop the tab out.

[flashback:]
Debra: Here's a two-bedroom apartment in Elmont.
Ray: Elmont? No. Look, here's the tri-state area. Here's where my mom and dad live. So anything within this circle is too close to my parents' house.
Debra: Put that away. They're gonna be here any minute.
Ray: You're not listening. If my mom can cook sauce and get it to our house before it's cold, she's gonna be over every day. Nuh-uh. We'll call this the hot zone.
Debra: I like her sauce.
Ray: Let me finish, please. Now, anything within this zone is gonna be about a once-a-week visit, okay? Now, here farthest away. Best zone right? Wrong! 'Cause if we move here and they visit, they become overnight guests. Okay, so the middle zone is our target area. It's too close for an overnight, too far for sauce.
Debra: Well, speak for yourself, Ray, because I have no problem with your parents.

Ray: Don't you see? I've set a precedent now. I got him a tropical fish tank. Now every year I got to get him something bigger and better.
Debra: No, no, no. Nobody says you have to keep topping yourself.
Ray: Yes, you do. That's the way gifts are. You have to. You can't get him an aquarium one year and the next year, Isotoners.
Debra: Your dad loves the gift. Just enjoy the moment.
Ray: I've had no training for that.
Debra: The good news is you don't have to worry about this for a year.
Ray: You know nothing about worry. It's not that I don't have to worry for a year. It's that I have a year to worry.

Debra: Look, just give me the list, all right? I just want to see it.
Ray: Look, just keep in mind, it's not really done yet.
Debra: "Peking duck, goat cheese pizza." What is this?
Ray: I told you, it's goals and stuff.
Debra: These are your goals? These are restaurant specials.
Ray: I've never had the Peking duck.
Debra: So your goal is just to eat things you've never eaten before?
Ray: Not entirely.
Debra: "Enlarged prostate."
Ray: See? That's something that I want to avoid. Not something I wish to eat.

Debra: God, look I can't go back there. It's just too humiliating. I just- Oh God, I don't know what happened to me. The whole time I was arguing with Charlotte I was thinking, "Come on, what are you doing? Stop talking." But I had to keep fighting for Pete Za.
Ray: You know, I know why you fight. It's because you're surrounded by Barones. It's a jungle here. It's survival of the fittest. No, if you didn't learn how to hold your own my mother would be wearing you as a coat.
Debra: Look, I'm not gonna blame your family for me losing my job.
Ray: Why not?
Debra: Because that's a big cop-out.
Ray: I'm doing it when I get fired from my job.

Ray: We should put something in there that if I die you can't marry another man named Ray.
David Atkins: Excuse me?
Ray: Well, 'cause eventually everyone would call him Ray and me "Dead Ray."
David Atkins: I don't think I can-
Debra: Just ignore him.

Ray: Listen, Ma, about the journal I want to apologize for what you saw in there. Um... Could you not look at me while I say this?
Marie: All right.
Ray: Um... You know, when you're 14, the world is a very confusing and sexy place. [Marie looks at him] Ma, come on.
Marie: Oh. [turns away]
Ray: So I just want you to know that I outgrew all that stuff, okay? And I don't do that stuff anymore, hardly. So I'm sorry that you had to see that, and I just want you to know that I'm not still some kind of weirdo, all right? So I'm gonna go take a shower and maybe you want to do the same.

Ray: Well, you gotta return it, now.
Debra: Are you out of your mind?! Do you know what she will put me through if I have to bring this thing back over to her? You know what she's like!
Ray: Look, there's a way to fix this. You just return this to her with your heart in it.