Mary: I also have a question, pretty boy. Why are you encouraging all this?
Father Peter: I wouldn't say I'm encouraging it, I'm just open to the possibility.
Mary: Well, I'm not. Not unless I see some cold, hard evidence.
Father Peter: And maybe it's there. Proof at last, Peter, proof at last.
Mary: Is he all right?
Sister Michael: I wouldn't say so, no. He's a priest, like.

Sister Michael: [on the phone] Could you put me through to sister Thomas, please? Tommy! How are ya? Yeah, not too bad. A retreat? I dunno. I have judo on Friday, don't like to miss it. I'll tell you why I'm ringing you, so we've had an alleged apparition here this morning. Well, it's in the weeping statue category. Sure, I know. Yeah, apparently there was a smirk as well. I mean, I'm not sure what Our Lady of the Sorrows has to be smirking about, but that's by the by.

Gerry: Sister! How are you?
Sister Michael: Well, I'm at a wake, Mr. Quinn, so I've had better evenings.
Gerry: Did you know Bridie, then?
Sister Michael: No. But I believe your wife put some sort of a curse on her.
Gerry: Well, no, not exactly.
Sister Michael: You're not a tongue person, are you?
Gerry: I'm sorry?
Sister Michael: I'm on communion duty. Christ, but I cannot stand the tongue people! I mean, what's all that about? You can't lift a wafer into your own mouth? You need me to do it for you?
Gerry: Right, yeah, that... that must be tough.
Sister Michael: Father Thomas usually deals with the wakes but he's very sick at the minute. Bedridden, in fact.
Gerry: God! What caused it?
Sister Michael: Jack Daniels... mostly.

Sister Michael: You must be Miss Taylor?
Janet Taylor: That's right. Well, Janet.
Sister Michael: Michael. Sister Michael. [they shake hands]
Janet Taylor: It's a pleasure.
Sister Michael: I know.
Janet Taylor: [to the students] Move it.
Sister Michael: Shift it.
Janet Taylor: Why's everyone so desperate for them to mix? I think we should keep them separate.
Sister Michael: I think we should keep them in cages.

Orla: Sister Michael! I don't have a Protestant!
Sister Michael: Well, you'll have to share with James.
James: What? No!
Sister Michael: Look, there just aren't enough Protestants to go round.
Janet Taylor: The mediator's here. He's... one of your lot.
Sister Michael: Not a priest?
James: Quite young, Southern. Bit of an arsehole, but, oh, my God... amazing hair.
Sister Michael: Oh, for feck's sake.

Sister Michael: Jesus, girls! What are you still doing here? I thought we had an intruder. And I tell you what, he'd have been a sorry boy, for I just nailed some serious moves.
Erin: We were just working on our English project, Sister.
Sister Michael: Step aside. [snaps her fingers]
[The group move to the side to reveal the statue has the head stuck on upside down]
Sister Michael: What in God's name have you done?

Dee: They're all arseholes.
Erin: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Harry: You tried to swap us!
Dee: Because all protestants are the same? Aren't they, girls?
Michelle: Yes.
Erin: No!
Jon: And this guy's really creepy and a bit sort of sexist. And she carries a knife and makes people bury their own excrement.
Boy: [o.s.] Fucking Catholics.
Michelle: Who said that? Who?
[As a fight breaks out, Sister Michael and Miss Taylor sip their drinks]
Janet Taylor: Should we break it up?
Father Peter: Don't touch the hair! Don't touch the hair!
Sister Michael: Let's leave it a minute. [eats a biscuit]

Father Peter: OK, thank you. Let me just rephrase slightly. Can you think of anything... that unites every single person in this room? Is there anything that we all want?
Sister Michael: For this to be over.
Father Peter: And we'll wrap it up there.

James: Sister Michael, can I just quickly ask, um, since there's no male student toilets on the premises, am I permitted to use the staff ones?
Sister Michael: Absolutely not.

Father Peter: OK, so I see a few familiar faces out there. As some of you may know, I took a bit of a sabbatical last year.
Michelle: Do you mean when you shacked up with a slutty hairdresser, but then she dumped you?
Sister Michael: Miss Mallon, please! Raise your hand if you want to ask a question. [Michelle raises her hand]
Father Peter: OK, I think we should just move on.
Sister Michael: The hairdresser certainly did.
Father Peter: OK, so this is just a little exercise I like to kick off with.
Sister Michael: Ugh, give me strength.