Erin: It's Uncle Colm.
Mary: Well, I'm not taking it. I've been stung once already this week. Around 45 minutes talking about his new shoelaces.
Sarah: Sure, I've stopped answering my phone altogether for fear it's him, Mary.
Mary: Will you take it, Da?
Joe: No chance, love. I mean, I know I shouldn't say this about my own brother, but, by Christ, he's a boring bastard.

Joe: I heard that k.d. lang on the radio yesterday. Christ, but she's some set of pipes on her. You're very talented people.
Clare: Thank you?

Joe: God almighty, I don't know what the world's coming to. Bloody perverts.
Mary: You're overreacting, Da.
Joe: Overreacting? That lad's got no trousers on, for Christ sake.
Sarah: He has a great set of pins on him, doesn't he?
Mary: For God's sake will you close that window, we're foundered here.
Sarah: I need aired, Mary. I've five layers on me.
Mary: Five layers? What are you trying to do? Change race?
Sarah: Give us a going over with the hairdryer, will you?
Mary: Indeed I will not. I've enough to be at.
Joe: Why do they keep touching themselves?
Erin: Because they're artists, Granda.
Joe: Dirty English bastards is what they are. [to James] No offence son.

Gerry: OK, that is one portion of redfish, one portion of whitefish, two bags of chips...
Joe: No, no, no! Two bags won't be enough.
Gerry: Two is plenty, Joe.
Joe: Four! Four should cover it.
Gerry: Three, then, we'll compromise.
Joe: I'll compromise you through that window.
Mary: That's enough, Da.
Joe: The tight bastard is trying to starve us all, Mary.
Gerry: OK, four bags of chips, then.

Erin: Why are you calling Maureen Malarkey? Granda says we're not allowed to speak to her.
Mary: Oh, that... that's all blown over now.
Erin: [opens door] Maureen Malarkey!
Joe: [o.s.] Don't you mention that lowdown, deceitful, cheating old witch!

Gerry: Jesus, the pets are getting it left, right and centre at the minute. Maureen Malarkey's Tigger just passed away.
Joe: We do not utter that woman's name in this house.
Mary: Da, not the bingo thing, still!
Joe: She's a cheating old bitch!
Erin: How can you cheat at bingo, Granda?
Joe: Her nephew brought her this pen back from New Jersey. It changes the numbers. I'm telling ya, it's witchcraft, Mary!
Mary: I'll hear no more about the magic pen!

Sarah: You away to do the big shop, Da?
Joe: Aye. Gerry! Gerry! I don't see why that useless drip you call a husband has to be coming.
Mary: Because someone needs to drive and you've been suspended, again.
Sarah: What did you do this time, Daddy?
Joe: Nothing. It's RUC discrimination. The only crime I committed was to be born a Catholic.
Mary: Gerry's never been suspended and he's a Catholic.
Joe: He's also a prick, but that's by the by.

Joe: Right, that's us away.
Mary: [to Gerry] Have a nice time.
Joe: Tell that Free State fucker to shift his hole.
Gerry: I'm sure we will.

Joe: Belfast! Sure, why don't you just sell the wains into white slavery and be done with it?
Mary: Gerry'll be with them, Da.
Joe: That's worse! Sure, they hate his kind there.
Gerry: My kind?
Joe: Pricks.

Joe: Now, this suits you, doesn't it?
Gerry: I'm sorry?
Joe: I've seen you eyeing up that Christmas cupboard. You hoked about in there long before the wains did. I'll stake my life on it.
Gerry: That is simply not true.