Alan: Your brother's discovered girls, he can't sit still. When you're Eric's age and you can't sit still, I'll take Morgan. It's the endless cycle of fishing.
Cory: And what about after Morgan?
Alan: Well, then I'll just be some guy in a fishing hat with a lot of boring stories.

Eric: Two passes to Sliding Rapids Mountain. Excellent.
Alan: Yep, you and your brother should have a blast.
Eric: Ah, no, no, no. See, when I look at this ticket I see someone in a skimpy wet bikini.
Alan: Well, that's entirely up to Cory.

Alan: You had to have a house. Remember the apartment? Remember before the children? Before we were married? Before we knew each other? Remember how happy we were?
*Amy kicks Alan*
Alan: Remember when you know when I was kidding?

Alan: I was thinking I'll go have a talk with Mr. Feeny. I'll explain it to him, get him to let Cory take a make up test.
Amy: Oh, I'm so glad. Because until you do, you're grounded.
Cory: Does that really work? Can she ground you?
Alan: In certain ways, yes.

Alan: I had a dream last night. Skinny little men in brand new rock climbing shoes falling off a mountain screaming at me, "You sold me these, you merchant of death!"

Alan: Anything happens to Topanga, I'll kill you.
Cory: You like her better than me.
*Alan nods*

Alan: It's quarter after three. Only creeps and wierdos are up now.
*Eric enters*

Eric: You never made any real money, did you dad?
Alan: No, but I had you, so I'm twice cursed.

Mr. Feeny: Alan, I would appreciate you keep your son and his hormones inside the house, at least until my niece leaves.
Alan: Why George, what are you talking about? Eric's been up in his room for -
Eric: twenty -
Alan: minutes.

Alan: Eric, I'm sorry and I know it's tough to hear this, but your mother and I are at an awkward age. We're parents but we're not dead yet.