Jack: Topanga's a good nurse. My fever's back down to malaria level. I think I can go back to my village now.

Jack: You don't know what it's like to live here, man. You don't.
Cory: Why do you stay?
Jack: Because ... he's my friend. Because I like him. And no matter what crazy things he says or does, I still like him. God help me I still like him.

Eric: She pretty.
Jack: Dat a lot of woman.

Jack: Oh, I'm weird? You know what puts me to sleep? A glass of milk. Not the truck that delivers the milk. But you'll have to excuse me as I was raised in an actual house.

Jack: Hey, I didn't hear you come in last night. You must have had a pretty good time on your date, huh?
Eric: The evening began at seven. It started with some quaint dinner conversation at this little Mexican place I happen to know. Came back here and let's just say my clothes were off within five minutes.
Jack: You opened your big mouth, she walked out. You ate alone at Taco Bell. Came home, took off all your clothes and were asleep by eight o'clock.

Cory: And it's your job as Shawn's older brother to what?
Jack: Fix this.
Cory: Why?
Jack: Because he knows all your tricks and he's sick and tired of listening to you.

Eric: If I understand this correctly, girlfriends get to sleep together, bathe together and even get to see each other naked.
Jack: We already do that.

Jack: I know you're not my mentor, but I just got beat by Eric on a test. That's just plain wrong.

Jack: So when people throw garbage down the chute, this is where it ends up, huh?

Jack: I can't be poor. I'm too good looking to be poor.