Alan: Feeny's a butt.

Cory: I have an incomplete future.
Alan: Of course you have an incomplete future. The future's always incomplete. When it's complete, people tend to call it the past.

Alan: I've been a parent for fifteen years and I think I know a little better than to trust my own kids.

Mr. Turner: You know you've got a principal living next door?
Alan: It's not something we brag about.

Alan: Look, if it was up to me, you wouldn't have to sleep at all, you wouldn't have to go to school, I wouldn't have to go to work and we could just spend all our time together. And there's nothing I'd rather do.
Cory: Then why don't we do that?
Alan: I don't know. I guess the family's gotten used to eating.

Cory: I tried to straighten my hair, okay?
Alan: With what? Shellac?

Eric: Say it with me, dad, Harley.
Alan: Say it with me, Eric, Schwinn.

Alan: You have to rat out your friend because we're poor.

Alan: She's scaring all the customers away.
Eric: Would you rather have the smelly old guy who used to spit on people?
Alan: Yeah. Yeah, get him. Get him and get rid of her.

Alan: But you see if all our customers are dead from falling off a mountain, at some point business falls off, too.