Amy: Mostly you learn from experience. I mean your dad and I weren't prepared in advance. But we did the best we could and we ended up raising three wonderful, well adjusted children.
Eric: Now I'm a maladjusted, woman-hating, loser freak.
Amy: Okay, two.

Alan: Hey, we still have Eric.
Amy: Oh God!

Amy: Let's see, when you have your twentieth high-school reunion, I'll be ... forty-four.
Cory: Mom, how can that be possible You're already-
Amy: It's possible. It's more than possible. It's the way it's going to be.

Cory: Friday, I love Friday. Soon I'm going to be home for the whole weekend.
Amy: Friday, I hate Friday. Soon you're going to be home for the whole weekend.

Amy: All this is is sugar-coated sugar.

Alan: What happened? I used to be good.
Amy: Alan, I say this with love and respect. You were never good.

Amy: Put those down, those are rock climbing shoes. You are not doing any rock climbing, a skinny little man like you.

Alan: He chose Shawn as his best man.
Amy: You scum.

Amy: I don't like it when you call him an idiot, Alan.
Alan: I didn't call him anything.
Amy: Oh, well I guess I must have thought it in my head.

Amy: Eric, we used you as a decoy. We knew you'd be stupid so we used it against you.