Maeby: Well, that explains why Maeby's credit cards aren't working.
George Michael: Maeby's credit cards?
Maeby: Oh, sorry. The minute I put the teeth in, I become a completely different person. [chuckles] Speaking of which, there's your solution. We both have alter egos, and I think it's about time we killed them off. What do you say? George Maharis can have a heart attack. Maeby gets hit by a bus.
George Michael: You're killing off Maeby?
Maeby: Yup, see you.
George Michael: I know Annette can be forgetful, but she remembers Maeby is the dominant personality, right?
Maeby: Hey, I got a pretty sweet setup here. Okay? I finally got rid of my beloved Stan. He's in the hospital, massive head injury. Free rent. New neighbors every six to eight months. Also, Maeby doesn't even have a high school diploma. Not a good move, given the world my generation is leaving hers.
George Michael: I'm glad it's easy for you, but me and George Maharis have the same teeth. [Maeby chuckles] People are gonna figure it out. If I'm not arrested for fraud, I'll be in debt for life. I'm gonna end up in my old bedroom.
Maeby: Yeah. It's six o'clock. I'm already an hour and a half late for dinner. And I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but, uh... Annette, she like-a the pasta, hmm? [sings] How did you ever find me?

George Michael: Even though we just left the stair car there when it broke down? I mean, what if they find it?
Maeby: I'm sure somebody got it working and it's long gone. And it's not like you're actually lying to your dad. You're just letting him believe something that isn't true. You know? Like how people think the world's melting because people drive cars, or that Hillary should continue to roam free.
Narrator: And Maeby realized she had something else to say good-bye to.
Maeby: Good-bye, Fox & Friends.

Buster: Did I exaggerate about her?
Inmate: She really is just like the mother in Two and a Half Men.
Lucille: No, you did not.
Buster: Start watching that show? Yes, I did, Mother. And you lied to me. There's no scary half-man that I couldn't handle.
Lucille: I don't approve of that show.

George Michael: We've got to stop the lying in this family.
Maeby: Tell me about it. I mean, you tell one little story to get a place to live. Next thing you know, you're sorting through your roommate's pills to figure out which one will kill his sex drive.
George Michael: What you mean like estrogen?
Maeby: Wait, that's a thing? I mean, I was just day plotting.
George Michael: I'm going to stop you right there. The minute you start talking about neutering your romantic partner, you're into shit that even Gangie wouldn't do.
Maeby: The monster or the grandmother?
George Michael: The monster. But, yeah, I don't think our grandmother would do that.
Maeby: Yeah, maybe it is too far. I guess I can just pretend like I have an illness where I forget everything.
George Michael: You mean like Alzheimer's?
Maeby: That's a thing, too? I was just crime-storming. You know, just lying out loud. How funny.

Lucille: Maybe he went to find Oscar, warn him about the picture.
Barry: You think he really did? Because I think the prosecution gave us this picture so that George or you would lead them to Lucille 2.
Lucille: Go find him. Track him down. Get to him before he finds Lucille 2. I will not let that woman steal everything I've taken from her.

Michael: It never made sense, because, you know, he doesn't fit in with those people, and I think that George Michael and I are gonna be closer than ever. He's gonna need a father... still needs a father. The only mother figure he's ever had in his life was...
Gob: Oh, it was Mom.
Michael: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Huh, poor kid.
Gob: I can't imagine.
Michael: Nor can I.
Gob: Wait, we had Mom.
Michael: You know, in a way, she was our mom.

Michael: [to Maeby] Ah, hey. Did that Murphybrown thing upset you?
George Michael: Oh, did that actress die? Oh, [bleeps] you, 2015.
Michael: Oh, no, this is different.

Gob: [laughs] Did you catch this? Man, that's priceless. First, you eat it with Buster, then you step in it with the movie, and now you're eating what you stepped in, because Kitty hates you. Guess Michael's the geo-bead today.
Michael: Did you say "geo-bead"?
Gob: Yeah, it's one of Dad's expressions- You know, when somebody screws up, that Dad always said it. One of his "you'll figure it out someday" expressions. You're lucky, 'cause Kitty's sweet on me, so I'll go with you.
Michael: No, thank you. Nope.
Tobias: I could go. Or just- Would that be helpful if I did? Or am I just being a G-O-B?
Gob: [chuckles] Uh... [scoffs] G-O-B spells "Gob," you geo-bead, so why don't you s... ah. Well, today's the day.

George Sr.: Michael, we don't have Buster. We would never make you worry. We love you. That's why we got rid of your $700,000 debt.
Michael: Hang on. What are you talking about? I thought that was Lucille 2. You forgave the debt?
George Sr.: Of course we did. I mean, well, no, technically, we forgot the debt. We can forget it, but we can never forgive it. We need the write-off.

Maeby: You would've had to lie about scuba, 'cause you would've been scared.
George Michael: Why do you say I'm scared of scuba? I'm not.
Maeby: You passed out at the aquarium.
George Michael: Well, they make you feel like you're underwater with all these giant...
Maeby: Dolphins?
George Michael: I still think that was some kind of smiling, kind of bemused baby shark.