Maeby: So, how do you think Gob's gonna make this yacht disappear?
George Michael: Well, I'll be working here, so I guess I'll never know.
Maeby: I guess the only real way to find out how it's done is to sneak on the boat while he does it.
George Michael: Yeah, but if he makes it disappear, won't everyone see me standing there?
Maeby: Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.

Lindsay: Where's Nana?
Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained 10 pounds there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74! It's wonderful, just wonderful.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.
Lucille: She tried pesto for the first time. Can you believe that? Ninety-two years old, and she never tried pesto.
Narrator: Lucille feared that the family would come after the inheritance if they found out.
Lindsay: Was she on the phone, Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong.
Lucille: Emery board. Isn't he great? And he goes with everything.

Warden Stefan Gentles: But didn't you come here to research the nature of fear? I can't think of a better teacher than White Power Bill. He's like a master's course unto himself.
Tobias: So you think I'm a coward.
Warden Stefan Gentles: There's only one man I've ever called "coward". That's Brian Doyle-Murray. No. What I'm calling you is a television actor.
Tobias: Ouch.

Lindsay: [to Michael] She usually sends checks for Maeby's birthday.
Maeby: There's been cash coming in? Have you been holding out on me?
Lindsay: No. No, I've been investing it. Let's face it. I'm better with money than you are.
Maeby: Better at spending it.
Lindsay: Okay, I tell you what. I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60/40.
Maeby: 55/55.
Lindsay: Deal.
Michael: Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think.
Lindsay: We should go now before your dad gets back. No need going halfsies with him too.

Lindsay: Yes, we did it. We're getting rid of the Ten Commandments. The granite ones in front of the courthouse. You know, all it took was the threat of a lawsuit.
Michael: You're involved with those protesters now? When did that happen?
Lindsay: Oh, who can remember.
Narrator: Lindsay's involvement began hours before when, leaving the plea hearing, she first determined the Ten Commandments didn't belong there.
[flashback:]
Lindsay: And they won't even allow me one lousy cigarette! [walks into the granite block]
Lucille: Honey, they're just heels. They can only support so much weight.
[present:]
Lindsay: I've always been very passionate about the separation of church and state.

Gob: You and Dad are getting divorced?
Lucille: Oh, don't worry, sweetie. No one is fighting over you. And don't worry about Barry reading the plea. We'll let your father rot in prison.
George Sr.: [enters] Take the plea. We're taking the plea!
Lucille: We're going to trial, you're going to lose, and you're going to stay in there.
Michael: That's enough, Mom.
Lucille: For him? Nothing's enough. You'd think a man locked up in prison would be able to abstain. Your father, with his disgusting tweaking! I couldn't breast-feed any of you kids because of that man!

Michael: Okay, guys, back to the staff meeting. Uh, Lindsay? Hello. The phones.
Lindsay: Well, you said "staff."
Michael: The zoning committee feels that we're trying to squeeze too many units onto a lot this size and we need to if we want to make a profit. So how do we fit these units on there?
Lindsay: Are these fluorescent lights bothering anybody else besides me?
Michael: That's not what I want to deal with today.
Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay was helping George Michael with his homework.
Lindsay: Oh, come on, let's do something. It's just a stupid essay.
George Michael: No, I can't. I don't want to let down Ms. Baerly. She's nice, you know. And she's interesting-
Lindsay: And pretty?
George Michael: Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't really say to your dad.
Lindsay: Ah. Sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay: There's nothing wrong with that. Although, I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George Michael: You're my aunt.
Lindsay: [scoffs] That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're gonna find the right woman to fill that role. But until then, I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George Michael: Yikes.

Barry: I'm sorry, sorry. I'm so late. I had another hearing. Here's the good news, I think I'm gonna get off, huh? I have a good lawyer. You look great in red. Okay. "Anyhoo," what are we doing here? What's the plan?
Lucille: The plan? You're our lawyer.
Barry: It's a figure of speech. You're gonna be fine.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Tobias told Lindsay that he couldn't do the part.
Tobias: It plays naked, okay?
Lindsay: Tobias, we're gonna have to deal with this sometime. I mean, I understand you not wanting to do it on film but you can't even get undressed in front of me.
Tobias: It is not you, Lindsay. I can't get undressed alone. I can't get undressed by myself. I mean, this is a real affliction. I'm sorry it's not recognized here in the states. But I know for a fact that there are two members of German Parliament. They're called "nein wohlstandig" nude. But they're German, so... They speak German, so they have a different...