George Michael: We've got to stop the lying in this family.
Maeby: Tell me about it. I mean, you tell one little story to get a place to live. Next thing you know, you're sorting through your roommate's pills to figure out which one will kill his sex drive.
George Michael: What you mean like estrogen?
Maeby: Wait, that's a thing? I mean, I was just day plotting.
George Michael: I'm going to stop you right there. The minute you start talking about neutering your romantic partner, you're into shit that even Gangie wouldn't do.
Maeby: The monster or the grandmother?
George Michael: The monster. But, yeah, I don't think our grandmother would do that.
Maeby: Yeah, maybe it is too far. I guess I can just pretend like I have an illness where I forget everything.
George Michael: You mean like Alzheimer's?
Maeby: That's a thing, too? I was just crime-storming. You know, just lying out loud. How funny.

Barry: I think that mothers cannot accept the idea that they've raised someone who could do something so vile.
Buster: What?
Barry: In my case, twice. Well, two times, allegedly. This falls under client-attorney privilege, right?

Lucille: Tobias better find Lindsay before the 4th of July parade, which is on the 2nd.
Michael: The 4th of July parade is on the 2nd?
Lucille: Mm. Yes. They moved it because they don't want the Hispanics to get even by using up all the supplies a day early like we do with Cinco.
George Sr.: Yeah, and good luck using the 4th of July fireworks on the 3rd, because we will have done it on the 2nd.