Dean: [busy signal] Hmm. What could they be doing that's so important the phone's off the hook?

Lillian: Um, Dean. What are you doing home so early?
Bill: Yeah, we weren't expecting you before 10:00 a.m.
Dean: It's after 10:00.
Lillian: I didn't realize it was so late.
Bill: [chuckles] I guess we missed our meeting at church. [both laugh]
Dean: I tried to call to say good night, but the phone was off the hook.
Lillian: W... Well, maybe you dialed the wrong number.
Bill: Yeah.
Dean: 19 times? What were you guys doing that you didn't notice the phone was off the hook?
Bill: Go outside and play.

Dean: Cory said that you guys think I'm petty. Is... Is that true?
Hampton: Cory told us how you've been acting since he won Student of the Week, and this isn't the first time you've been petty and jealous.
Dean: What?! Give me one other example.
Keisa: You knock over the checkers board as soon as one of us starts winning.
Brad: You lick your Oreo cookie sandwiches so we won't ask for any.
Keisa: You read everyone else's comics just so the pages in yours don't get folded.
Adult Dean: The petty thing to do would be to tell Cory that I've been acting weird because his dad told me a big secret to keep from him. But I couldn't, so I did the next best thing.
Keisa: ...when his grandmother died.
Dean: Well, you're all petty for calling me petty!
Adult Dean: That's right. The ol' rubber and glue defense. Been getting kids out of losing arguments since time began.

Kim: So, why would Mr. Long need a second job? He makes more money than Mom, even though he doesn't do half the work she does. He shouldn't need a second job. [sighs] Unless...
Dean: Unless what?
Kim: Unless he's been spending all their money.
Dean: W-Well, they do buy that fancy mustard.

Cory: You hung out with high school girls?
Norman: And they paid for your food?
Dean: We mostly just talked.
Hampton: About what?
Dean: Just stuff. Like what they watch on the boob tube. That's what they call TV.
Cory: Oh. Cool.
Dean: Yeah, and how they never have enough scratch. That's money. And where they like to go for submarine races. [Norman gasps] It means making out in a car. [all sigh] I know, I know. I thought there were gonna be real submarines involved, too.

Dean: So, has Keisa asked about me?
Cory: [chuckles] Yeah, she has been, actually. She wanted to come over and visit you, but her parents think chicken pox come from the devil.
Dean: They said the same thing about wearing glasses.

Tammy: Joseph. Explain yourself.
Joey: I-I was gonna give it back, but I just wanted to bring it to school for show-and-tell.
Tammy: So you stole it?
Bruce: No, no, i-it... It's okay. Um, I don't mind.
Tammy: No, it's not okay. Give it back now. And when we get home, you are gonna get it.
Dean: Oh, I'm sure there's a belt here you could use.

Adult Dean: That's what should've happened. But my mother was too much of a lady. She would never do anything to embarrass the family. I, however, was kind of a pro at it.
Dean: Booooo! [crowd murmurs] Boo!

Broderick: Hey, make sure that phaser bank's on tight. Gonna need it to battle the Klingons.
Dean: You know, I'm kind of surprised someone like you is into Star Trek.
Broderick: What do you mean, someone like me?
Dean: Uh, well, you know, uh, someone who's part of the cool crowd.
Broderick: What's cooler than flying around outer space fighting monsters with a bad-ass dude like Captain Kirk?
Dean: Hey, why is Captain Kirk's face so weird? Because he has three ears... A left ear, a right ear, and a... final frontier. [both laugh]

Dean: Who all wants to hear a joke?
Broderick: You guys remember me telling you how funny he is?
8th Grader: No.
Dean: [laughs] Um, uh, why is a guitar and a fish so different?
Cory & Hampton: Why?
Dean: Because you can't "tuna" fish. [light laughter]