Dwight K. Schrute: Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.

Andy: Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to How I Met Your Mother, that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them.

Andy: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.
Jim: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?
Andy: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
Jim: Wow. What do you put our chances at?
Andy: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!
Jim: Hmm, sounds risky.
Andy: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.

Stanley: I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense.

David: So listen, Michael. Your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Outperforming last year, in fact. And I don't know exactly how to put this, but what are you doing right?
Michael Scott: Right, what?
David: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling. But your branch is reporting strong numbers. Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly something you are doing is right and I need to get a sense of what that is.
Michael Scott: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have, and I always will. Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason, ever, no matter what.
No matter where or who, or who you are with or where you are going, or or where you've been. Ever. For any reason whatsoever. This is gonna sound sort of high maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.

Michael Scott: I've never met anybody who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool.
Woman: That's one aspect of small pet grooming.What do you do?
Michael Scott: I am a bank teller.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Ryan told me to always tell a woman you work in finance.

Dwight K. Schrute: The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.

Michael Scott: It is an outrage. That's all. It's- They are making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. Do you think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Michael Scott: Okay. Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Michael Scott: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but, bleugh, I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." You're foir-ed. "Uh, you're foir-ed." He just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, "You're hired and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...