Eleanor: Okay, I guess I'll speak first. Jason and I are the mistakes. We're the ones who misled everybody and dragged you all into this mess, so... we should go to the Bad Place.
Tahani: Agreed.
Chidi: Yes.
Eleanor: Okay, I thought you were gonna at least pretend to fight me on that, but whatever.

Tahani: Okay, well, it's settled then. Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.
Jason: For the last time, my name is Jason, not Jianyu, the amazing and incredible monk.
Eleanor: Which is why you belong in the Bad Place.
Tahani: And by the way, Janet is not your wife, or your soul mate. There's a Janet in every neighborhood.
Jason: Well, I'm in love with this Janet. We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff which almost turned out to be sex, and we were married in a legal ceremony.
Janet: It was not legal.
Eleanor: Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.

Tahani: Look at them. Whispering away like two Beefeaters on a tea break. I bet they're plotting against us.
Chidi: No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.
Tahani: You do have feelings for her, don't you?
Chidi: Yes. But no. Please don't make me think about this again. My brain will break.
Tahani: I'm sorry, it's just that I have certain feelings for you. I don't mean to contribute to your misery. I'm sorry, I don't mean to contribute to your misery, it's just that I'm frightened. I don't have an actual soul mate. What's gonna happen to me when Jason and Fake Eleanor go and you're off with Real Eleanor? Whither Tahani?

Eleanor: Okay, team meeting. Jason has agreed that the two of us should go.
Jason: Bye, Tahani. Sorry for everything. After I'm gone you can go ahead and clean out my bud hole.
Tahani: Thank you.
Jason: [to Janet] I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.
Janet: I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.

Shawn: This is a real mess, huh? No matter what they decide, I'd bet you're gonna be in pretty hot water with your boss. Wouldn't be surprised if retirement were on the table.
Michael: Retirement?
Shawn: Course, what do I know? I'm just The All-Knowing Judge of All Matters in the Afterlife. But face it, this is your mistake.

Eleanor: All right, nerds, let's just get this over with. I'll go to the Bad Place with Real Eleanor, and you three can stay.
Jason: Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!
Chidi: Wait, no. You're not going. I am.
Eleanor: What?
Tahani: Why?
Chidi: Real Eleanor is my soul mate... or was my soul mate and she's only going down there because she thinks that I don't love her.
Tahani: Do you?
Chidi: I don't know. Please don't ask me that. My stomach hurts. The point is, if she's going down there because of me, I'll never be at peace.
Jason: Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!

Eleanor: Okay, you realize the Bad Place is not some sort of couples retreat, right?
Jason: If it is, Janet and I would like to go.
Tahani: Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.
Jason: Hey, that's racist!
Janet: Not a robot.
Tahani: Oh, you have some nerve.

Eleanor: Holy motherforking shirtballs.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Wow! [laughing] Okay, okay. Uh, whoo! Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out! [screen doors open]
Michael: Is everything okay?
Eleanor: Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Trust me, I've got this. That's our decision. Let's hit it.
Michael: Well, what about Real Eleanor?
Eleanor: No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
Shawn: Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.
Eleanor: Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.

Vicky: [enters] Chidi, don't go! I don't care if you don't love me, I love you. It's the only thing that makes any sense to me in this crazy world, and I think we should stay...
Michael: No, stop, Vicky. They figured it out.
Vicky: They...
Michael: They know this is the Bad Place. Eleanor figured it out.
Vicky: [groans] Man! This was supposed to be my big moment. I just rehearsed that speech for, like, three hours. Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst, and you can all suck it.

Shawn: What makes you think that you can get them to do this?
Michael: Because they won't even know that they are doing it. I'm going to make them think that they are in the Good Place, and to make sure that they drive each other insane, I will be there, posing as a Good Place architect. I even stole a Good Place Janet we can use. Look, we can just send them all to the hot spike pits with the lava and the bees and the lightning that tears off their flesh. Let's try something new. I cannot predict everything that's gonna happen, but we'll improvise. We'll... we'll be on our toes. I think that we can get them to torture each other... for 1,000 years.
Shawn: I think you'd be lucky to get six months out of this insane gambit. But take me through it. How would this work, exactly?
Michael: Oh. Yes, all right, so... [clears throat] This is a 14 million-point plan.
Fire Monster: Um... oh, sorry. I thought we reserved the conference room.
Michael: No, Todd, we have it until 3:00.