Eleanor: Ready when you are, boss.
Chidi: Eleanor, what's going on?
Eleanor: It took me a while to figure it out, but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me. They're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. The can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.
Michael: [wicked laugh] Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out. [laughs] Oh, God! Y-you ruined everything, you know that?

Eleanor: Oh, it looks like paradise, but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our worst anxieties. I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me. Just me being here forced Chidi into an ethical "clusterfork." Tahani tortured Jason by constantly trying to get him to talk, Jason tortured me because I was sure he would blow our cover, which was torture for Chidi, because he was responsible for me, which made Chidi seem like the perfect soul mate, and that tortured Tahani because he didn't love her.
Tahani: You don't love me?
Chidi: Please, don't ask me that right now.
Eleanor: See? We've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived, and everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable. He played us like a fiddle.
Jason: Oh, dip! Eleanor, I told you that first night that we were in a prank show.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah. You did! Great job, man. [they high-five]

Shawn: Do you remember what I told you when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years?
[flashback:]
Michael: The time has come to innovate. The human afterlife can be more fun. For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies? [laughs] I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment. Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable. I'm going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
Shawn: We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.

Eleanor: But wait, why is Chidi here?
Chidi: Well, uh... there's something you don't know about me. I read an article saying that growing almonds was bad for the environment, and yet I continued to use almond milk in my coffee...
Michael: No, dingus! You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.
Chidi: Oh, fork! You're right. Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone. I made everyone miserable.

Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: [gasps] Who are you?
Janet: I'm Janet. I think this is yours. After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.
Eleanor: What?
[Eleanor reads the note which says "Eleanor - find Chidi"]
Eleanor: What the fork is a "Chidi"? Why can't I say "fork"?
[Janet has disappeared when Eleanor turns around]

Jason: Hang on. That judge guy just said everyone here has done bad things. Let's look at this ethnically.
Chidi: Ethically.
Jason: You guys helped me and Eleanor, right, but we're bad, so you helping us was bad. It's basic consequentialism: the morality of an action is solely judged on its consequences.
Chidi: Great. The one time you actually remember something from class.
Jason: Maybe I was brought here by mistake, but since we've been here, I just tried to stay out of everyone's way. Chidi's done worse stuff than me. He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!
Chidi: I was trying to stop you from doing it!
Jason: Yeah, but you did it. He who smelt it murdered Janet.

Jason: I'm not going. I don't wanna.
Eleanor: Well, I don't wanna either, but let's face it. Chidi and Tahani are better people than we are. We tried to improve ourselves and we did a good job. Well, I did a good job. You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with your hands.
Jason: [making fart noises] I could never do that on Earth. This place truly is paradise.

Eleanor: Wait, I don't get something. I know why Jason and I were sent here, but why Tahani?
Jason: Oh, yeah. Didn't you raise, like, $1,000 for charity, or whatever?
Tahani: Uh, $60 billion, actually, so... [off Michael's look] Oh. But it didn't matter... because my motivations were corrupt. I didn't care about helping the people I raised the money for. I just wanted to prove my parents wrong, stick it to my sister, get fame and attention. My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball. Which I did. Couple of times, actually.

Michael: I mean, all this hard work, all the planning, all for nothing. This really sucks.
Eleanor: No, it doesn't. This is wonderful. You saw us all on Earth... a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days... Side note, I might legit be into Tahani. But that's for another time. You thought we would torture each other, and we did for a little, but we also took care of each other. We improved each other, and the four of us became a team. So, the only thing you succeeded in doing was bringing us all together.
Michael: Oh, Eleanor. That's it! My big mistake was bringing you all together, having you be soul mates living next to each other. Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.
Chidi: Uh, next time?
Michael: Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna erase your memories, you know, make a few changes and start over again. Hopefully. Just gotta get the boss man to sign off. Wish me luck.

Michael: All I ever wanted was for this neighborhood... my first neighborhood to be perfect. Somehow I blew it and... well, you're all suffering, and for that, I'm deeply sorry. This is truly the saddest day of my life.
[Circus music plays as Eleanor's bedroom clown screen doors slide shut on Michael]