Janet: Derek. There's no easy way to say this. I never should have made you. [Derek chuckles] I think it's time for you to go away.
Derek: I understand because you understand. Janet, this relationship has been the best seven hours of my whole life. It's been the only seven hours of my whole life.
Janet: I made you this morning. We all remember.

Tahani: Mmm. Mm. Now, the goal is to tap the ball hard enough that it goes through the wicket but not so hard that it goes too far through. It combines both classic aspects of British sport: whimsy and restraint. [Jason takes a shot] Oh, so restrained. I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "barely a game."
Jason: It's kind of fun I guess, but can I teach you a different game? In this one, you just whack it as hard as you can in whatever direction you want. [takes a shot] Jaguars rule!
Tahani: [glass shatters] The Jaguars are very good.

Chidi: I'm sorry, Michael, but that's also ethically kind of dicey.
Michael: Here comes the egghead.
Chidi: Well, look, Jason and Tahani are happy together, and telling them that he was once married to Janet might cause them harm. It's not permissible to ruin their happiness to save ourselves.
Eleanor: Wait, but isn't keeping a secret from someone basically like lying though?
Chidi: No, no, it's okay to keep a secret as long as that secret isn't harming anyone, and telling them that secret might cause harm.
Eleanor: Noice!
Michael: Cool. Good point, egghead. I'll tell you what else would cause them harm, getting caught and being sent to the real Bad Place to be tortured for eternity, which will happen if Derek blows our cover.
Chidi: I know, but we'll also be sent to the real Bad Place if we do bad things. I know it's tempting to take a short-cut, but moral strength is defined by how we behave in times of stress.
Michael: Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?
Chidi: Everyone. Constantly.

Tahani: Look, Jason, you're lovely, and I've honestly had a wonderful time with you these past few weeks, but why on Earth would I marry you?
Jason: Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.
Tahani: Decent point.
Jason: Also, we like each other, and I promise to always be nice to you.
Tahani: Okay. I'll marry you. But I need some time to plan a proper reception. I mean, where will everyone sit? Will it be Michael and Janet opposite Chidi and Eleanor or Michael and Eleanor opposite Janet and Chidi?
Jason: Let's have it today at the beach. The beach is where all the best stuff happens like... swimsuit issues and... Saving Private Ryan and Jersey Shore and... crabs!

Janet: Derek, I am not talking to you right now. I'm here to announce that Jason Mendoza and Tahani Al-Jamil are getting married this evening.
Michael: "The ceremony will be private, but we think it would be totally dope if you biz-natches came and got turnt up with us afterward."
Eleanor: I think I can guess who wrote the invitation.

Michael: Things are falling apart here. Chidi... I understand the ethics involved, but we need to stop that wedding. We break up Jason and Tahani. Janet stops being sad. Derek goes away.
Chidi: Fine, but... [Michael and Eleanor groan] There is something called the Doctrine of Double Effect. In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this with the intention of killing Derek. Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.
Michael: No, I got you, I got you. So, it's like... ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married to Janet, and it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death, wink.
Chidi: No, the winking is bad. You should not be winking or saying the word "wink."
Michael: Okay. We really need to kill... We really need to kill any suspicion that I want to murder Derek. Boom!
Eleanor: Wink.

Eleanor: Okay, look, when you said you were sad about Jason and I suggested, "hey, find a rebound guy," it's 'cause I thought it was some sort of schoolgirl crush, like, just some guy you made out with a couple of times in the walk-in freezer of a Bruegger's Bagels. Not based on a real example.
Janet: Yes, it is. His name was Marcus Bitsburger.
Eleanor: Marcus? I always called him Ben.

Eleanor: Look, I gave you bad advice, okay? Jason was clearly important to you, and real heartbreak doesn't have a simple cure. I mean, you will feel better after some time goes by.
Janet: I don't really experience the passage of time. I do use it as lotion occasionally.
Eleanor: I mean, weird, but keep doing it because your skin looks amazing.
Janet: Thank you. Not skin.
Eleanor: The point is, to get through a real heartbreak, you kind of just have to sit with your feelings and mull it over and power through. And you have to talk about it. [groans] Talking about your feelings is the worst. It's so much easier just to find a rebound guy and have sex about your feelings.
Janet: I don't know if I want to talk to Jason right now.
Eleanor: That's cool. Until then... If you ever need a friend to talk to... Just know I'm here.

Janet: Goodbye, Derek.
Derek: Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.
Eleanor: Does he seem a little bit uh... still alive?
Janet: Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.
Derek: [o.s.] Derek.
Eleanor: Are you worried you might start glitching again?
Janet: No, I think I'll be okay now that I understand what I'm going through, and now that I know I can talk to my friends about it. Okay, I'm going to toss this steamer trunk containing the lifeless husk of my ex-boyfriend into a remote corner of my limitless void. Bye, guys.
Derek: [o.s.] Derek!

Jason: I'm kind of glad we didn't get married today.
Tahani: Me too. Perhaps we were rushing things a bit. I mean, we don't even know that much about each other. Like, who was the first person you kissed?
Jason: The sexy mouse robot in the Chuck E. Cheese band. Yeah, it was-
Tahani: Okay, okay. I think that's probably enough getting to know each other for now. We'll just take things slow.
Jason: I know I'm technically married to Janet, but I don't remember it at all. I'm sorry that it puts you in a weird position, and I still like you a lot.
Tahani: Me too. What happens now?
Jason: Don't know. Do you want to try... reabsorbing me? [Tahani laughs]