Dorothy: We have to consider this very carefully. We could be holding the man's fate in our hands.
Blanche: I once held a man's fate in my hands.
Sophia: I'm shocked.
Blanche: It was back in high school. I was dating the quarterback of the football team. All the major colleges were trying to recruit him. I was pretty sure he was leaning toward Notre Dame 'cause he asked me how to spell it. But secretly, I was hoping for Alabama. Going to Notre Dame would put such a wrench in our relationship, with all those priests skulking about the campus. Anyway, one night, he told me he'd finally made his decision. He was gonna enroll at the little junior college just 5 miles outside of town. When I said, "Honey, why? They don't even have a football team," he answered by slipping a ring on my finger and proposing marriage. well, I could not believe it. I sat there for almost half an hour just staring at that ring. Finally I said, "Honey, this will not do. I cannot accept this ring."
Rose: Because you loved him too much to stand in the way of his career.
Blanche: No, because it was a piece of cheap glass, and the band was turning my finger green.

Rose: I heard a fable when I was a little girl in St. Olaf that might help. Can I tell you?
Dorothy: That's right, Rose. Wait till my defenses are down and take advantage of me.
Rose: Okey-dokey. Once upon a time in the magical land of Flafluevenhaven lived Toonder, the mediocre tiger.
He was called mediocre because there was nothing special about him. He wasn't talented, he wasn't smart, he wasn't rich, he wasn't handsome. He wasn't good at anything.
Dorothy: If he also wore a bad toupee, she could be describing my Stanley.
Rose: Anyway, it made Toonder's wife miserable that her husband was best known for being mediocre.
Blanche: I understand Marilyn Quayle feels the same way.
Rose: So she asked her fairy godmother to grant Toonder the ability to perform incredible feats of magic, and her wish was granted. Toonder the Mediocre became Toonder the Magnificent.
Blanche: I guess he didn't want to change the monograms on his towels, hmm?
Rose: Well, Toonder the tiger spent so much time performing that he didn't have enough time to spend with his wife. Well, she told him that she missed the time they had together when he was just mediocre, so Toonder used his magic only once more, and that was to make his powers disappear.
Blanche: And they lived happily ever after?
Rose: No, actually she got bored and ran off with Wiseblat the weasel. That was Toonder's old business manager. But they lived happily ever after.
Blanche: What happened to Toonder?
Dorothy: Oh, who cares, Blanche? Hey, once you hear "happily ever after," it's over.

Blanche: I guess it's just like that old saying: opposites attract.
Rose: Oh, that's very true. Back in St. Olaf, Ollie Canudenspringle and his wife Bridget were opposites in every way. I mean, he was fat, she was thin. He was neat, she was sloppy. He was tall, she was short. He was cheap, she was extravagant. He was...
Sophia: Opposites. We get the picture.
Rose: Well, anyway, I'll never forget the time they sang at our annual talent show, right after the herring juggling act.
Blanche: You mean to tell me that somebody actually juggled herring.
Rose: No. It was the herring who did the juggling. Tiny little Ginsu knives. Really very dangerous. I mean, one false move, they could have filleted themselves.

Blanche: Girls, look, a mime.
Rose: Oh, I just love a mime. It's all on account of my Uncle Gustav. He was a coal mimer.
Blanche: You mean a coal miner.
Rose: No, a coal mimer. You see, he had a bad back and he didn't want to lose his medical benefits, so every morning he'd go down the shaft and pretend to work.

Dorothy: Ma! Oh, my God!
Blanche: Dorothy, what is it?
Rose: What, honey?
Blanche: Oh! Good Lord.
Dorothy: Ma, what is going on here?
Sophia: Afterglow.

Sophia: All right, Dorothy. Let's get out of here.
Dorothy: Ma, we have to pay our respects to the family. And listen, if you see Max, I don't want you making another scene like you did at the funeral.
Sophia: Scene? What scene? It's not my fault the klutz tripped over my foot and nearly fell into an open grave.
Dorothy: You didn't have to yell, "Start shoveling, boys!" as he tried to get up.

Rose: You're just saying that. I haven't added anything to the world.
Sophia: Look, Rose. God doesn't make mistakes. We were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you're here to work in a museum so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the '20s. OK? I'm going to the movies. Good-bye.

Dorothy: This is unbearable. It must be 110 in here.
Blanche: Dorothy, I'll tell you a very simple way to beat the heat. Just imagine yourself in a cool place. Like a snowy, windy mountaintop in Colorado. With a ski instructor named Fritz. And a bearskin rug and a bottle of brandy and a crackling fire. My God, Dorothy, it must be 120 in here.

Rose: You know something, Dorothy? You don't have to tell me this if you don't want to, but underneath it all you believe in them, don't you? You did from the very beginning. Oh, I'm glad. It's more fun. It's like with Santa Claus. The best Christmas we ever had was when all eight of my brothers and sisters, from Lily to Michael, all still believed. That must be ten years ago now.

Rose: Girls! Girls, guess what.
Sophia: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Why do you always come into a room and say, "Girls, girls"? Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?
Rose: You're awfully cranky today.
Sophia: Well, forgive me. My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven't showered with a man in 22 years.
Dorothy: Ma, Pop's been dead 27 years.
Sophia: What's your point?