Rose: Blanche, what was the most romantic thing a man ever did for you?
Blanche: Oh, that's easy. When George and I were courting and it was getting to the intimate stage, we went for a date in his big old Packard. Well, halfway home, we ran outta gas. It was dark, it was cold. So we held each other close. Both of us knew, right then and there, this was the night. Sure enough, pretty soon the windows were all fogged up from the heat generated by our bodies. After we were married, I told George that the only thing that could've made that evening more romantic was if we'd had candles and wine and a big blanket. So, on our tenth anniversary, George fired up the old Packard, and we drove along the same route as on that date, and, would't you know, we ran out of gas on exactly the same spot. Well, George said, "Blanche, why don't you look behind that tree?" So I did, and there was a basket with candles and wine and two long-stem glasses and a big blanket. We had a perfect evening.
Dorothy: Oh. Oh, that is beautiful, Blanche.
Rose: But isn't it a shame you didn't look behind the tree the first time? You could have had two perfect dates.

Rose: Boy, I remember when I was a little girl when we'd get depressed. Grandma could always cheer us up. She'd take out her dentures and she'd take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she'd put a flashlight under her chin and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek. We could've watched it all day. But visiting hours were only from 10 to 4.

Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any clothes on.
Sophia: Tell me about it. I just walked ten blocks. I got a belly button full of tweed.
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell happened?
Sophia: In the middle of bingo, Murray Hazeltine sits down. He's the big practical joker at the center. Believe me, Howie Mandel is funnier. Anyway, he tells me to sniff his carnation for good luck. I take one whiff, and bingo.
Dorothy: He squirted your dress with ink.
Sophia: Actually, it was Del Monte prune juice. It's free at the center. It's a come-on. They make their real money on the powdered toilet seat rentals.
Dorothy: So what happened to your clothes?
Sophia: Murray took them to have them cleaned. Dorothy, I still can't believe it happened. I've never been so humiliated.
Dorothy: Ma, honey, there's no reason for you to be embarrassed. He plays tricks on everybody.
Sophia: I'm talking about on my way home. My belt came loose in front of a construction site. Nobody whistled, and two guys went home sick.

Rose: The Wigleys were a revered family. Yeah, until the scandal. Oh, it was just terrible. The Navy came to town to take bids for a big submarine contract. They said they wanted three submarines built for around a million dollars. Well, Finneas said he could make 100 for half the money. So, of course, he got the contract. When the Navy came to check on the progress, six months later, they discovered there'd been a misunderstanding. Finneas had made 100 hoagie heroes for $500,000. He claimed the reason they were so expensive was he had used all imported meats and cheeses.

Blanche: The point is, Rose, you do this kind of stupid thing all the time. And if you're not doing something stupid, you're saying something stupid, or wearing something stupid, or cooking something stupid.
Dr. Ashley: Rose, what do you think of Blanche saying these things?
Rose: I think she's a garconanokin.
Dr. Ashley: Well, what exactly does that mean?
Rose: Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white. But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't wanna share your hoogencoggles with.
Dorothy: Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me-
Rose: Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!

Blanche: I'm Blanche Devereaux. And I know it's not pertinent at the moment, but I'm double-jointed.

Dorothy: I only have half of the 2500. And since I don't qualify for a bank loan, I'm just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia: Hold it. No daughter of mine is selling her stuff. It's a sin, it's a crime, and let's face it, Dorothy, lately you can't give it away.

Dorothy: I can't believe this is happening. Our whole married life, I was so careful about money. And all the time, Stanley had his hand in the cookie jar.
Rose: In the olden days, the Vikings would cut off your hand if they caught you stealing. They'd cut out your tongue if they caught you lying. They'd cut off your feet if they caught you trespassing.
Sophia: Too bad there wasn't a Viking around when Stan knocked you up.

Rose: Do you know that promotion I was up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, no, honey, don't do that. No job is worth having to date women.
Dorothy: Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
Blanche: Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?

Blanche: Well, maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible.
Rose: Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your petty games.
Blanche: Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side. He did get to kiss me.
Dorothy: Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring.