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‘Yes, We Have No Havanas’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Yes, We Have No Havanas

401. Yes, We Have No Havanas

Aired October 8, 1988

Blanche has unexpected competition when she starts dating an older Cuban man. Meanwhile, Rose takes Dorothy's adult education class after revealing she never graduated high school.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Girls! Girls, guess what.
Sophia: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Why do you always come into a room and say, "Girls, girls"? Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?
Rose: You're awfully cranky today.
Sophia: Well, forgive me. My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven't showered with a man in 22 years.
Dorothy: Ma, Pop's been dead 27 years.
Sophia: What's your point?

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Quote from Rose

Dorothy: I'm sorry, Rose, but I have to grade you like everybody else.
Rose: Well, look, Dorothy, you made a mistake. I got that question right.
Dorothy: Rose, the question was "Who was the leader of the Third Reich?" You wrote "Fritz Stickelmeyer," your high school history teacher. The correct answer is Adolf Hitler.
Rose: Where's my history book? Is this the man we're talking about?
Dorothy: Yes, that is Adolf Hitler.
Rose: You can call him whatever you want, but that's Fritz Stickelmeyer. I'm as sure of that as I am that's Eva Braun standing next to him.
Dorothy: You recognize Eva Braun?
Rose: Well, sure. She was our high school P.E. teacher. It was rumored she used to date Mr. Stickelmeyer.
Dorothy: Rose, that's it. I just can't take any more. With this question right, you have a D minus. Rose, you're a high school graduate.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Hold it. Stay where you are. Father, if you don't mind my saying so, I think you lost control of the room. Excuse me. The man in that box was a bum. A scoundrel, a cheat and a liar.
Woman: You got that right.
Sophia: Quiet. I work alone. But there was another side to him, and it was beautiful. He awakened feelings in me I haven't felt in 35 years. We used to hug and kiss and hold hands, and it was nice. He made me feel attractive and desirable again. He probably made the rest of you feel that way too. And looking out at this kennel club, that was no small accomplishment. You may all hate Fidel right now, but I know the next time I'm sitting in the park on a warm sunny day, and I smell the aroma of a cheap cigar I'll think of Fidel Santiago and I'll smile.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia, can you ever forgive me for all those ugly things I said?
Sophia: Of course. It was said in the heat of battle.
Blanche: You know, if I had it all to do over again, I'd let you have Fidel.
Sophia: Oh, you're so generous! The man's packing material, now you're letting me have him? I have coat racks livelier than him! She's giving him to me. The man's face has more powder on it than Ann Miller's and she's giving him to me. A piece of lumber would make a better dancing partner! Thanks for niente!

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
Sophia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: I'm teaching history for an adult-education program. It's for people who never got high school diplomas.
Rose: What else do they teach?
Dorothy: The usual high school subjects.
Rose: You mean like the three Rs: reading, writing and rooster inseminating?
Dorothy: No, we just teach the first two Rs.
Rose: Fine. But you'll be sending people out into the world who don't know you can get a nasty rooster bite if you don't warm your hands up first.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Rose, what did you want?
Rose: I got two tickets to the hottest Norwegian musical in town.
Dorothy: Rose, you've really tempted me, but I have other plans.
Rose: You have a date?
Sophia: [splutters] Never say that while I'm eating.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Your face looks awfully familiar. Was your picture ever on a cigar box?
Dorothy: Ma!
Fidel: No, no, she's right. That was my father.
Sophia: May we continue, Kommandant?
Fidel: My family once owned the largest tobacco plantation in all of Cuba. Do you know that at one time I was the most famous Fidel in the entire country? Until you-know-who showed up.
Rose: Who?
Dorothy: Rex the Wonder Horse, Rose.

Quote from Sophia

Fidel: How did you know about Santiago cigars?
Sophia: My husband was a fan - not of the cigars, the boxes. We used to keep all our fine cutlery in one.
Fidel: Blanche was right. She said you were incorrigible.
Sophia: I guess I deserve it - I always say she's a cheap slut.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Rose. Rose. You never graduated from high school?
Rose: Not officially. Three weeks before graduation, I was asked to be in the kissing booth at the founders' day fair. Unfortunately, the first boy I kissed had a nasty case of mono. Well that afternoon, I passed it along to 50 young men. And one very confused female P.E. teacher who smelled of Old Spice. I slept day and night for the next six months and when I finally woke up I had missed my graduation and the integration of major-league baseball.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Hi, Dorothy. What are you doing?
Dorothy: I'm grading the history test.
Rose: How did I do?
Dorothy: You'll find out in class tomorrow.
Rose: Can you give me a hint?
Dorothy: No.
Rose: Did I do better than Boris Yushenko?
Dorothy: Oh, Rose! Boris Yushenko doesn't speak a word of English and he was hit in the forehead with a mortar during World War II.
Rose: Did I do better than him?
Dorothy: No.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I'm a failure.
Dorothy: Rose, you are not. Now, come on, you are doing very well in every subject except history.
Rose: Well, I'm not surprised. It's all because of my high school history teacher, Mr. Stickelmeyer. He was a Nazi.
Dorothy: Oh, come on. Rose, a lot of students don't like their teachers-
Rose: No, I mean it. He was part of a nefarious plot by the Germans to teach misinformation so America's youth would be really stupid when the Germans invaded. St. Olaf was the first town chosen for their experiment.
Dorothy: I guess they figured they had a leg-up there.
Rose: His orders came right from the top.
Dorothy: You mean Hitler?
Rose: Who's Hitler?

Quote from Rose

Rose: Wow! Dinner out with the girls! Oh, let's really get crazy. We'll eat Chinese and use forks. I know, I know! We'll pretend it's one of our birthdays and screw 'em out of a cake. Boy, if I wasn't going, I'd really be jealous of me. But I am going, so it's all irrelevant.
Dorothy: Rose, did I hit you too hard before?
Rose: No, not at all. I'm trying a new hairspray and it absorbs most of the impact.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Fidel Santiago!
Fidel: My papers are in order! Oh Hello, Blanche.
Blanche: What in hell is goin' on here?
Fidel: Blanche-
Blanche: How could you be so deceitful? What is it? Is she younger, more attractive, more desirable?
Sophia: You got two out of three, Blanche.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia, what in hell is goin' on here?
Sophia: He's a man, I'm a woman, I've got what it takes and he knows how to use it.
Dorothy: I think I'm gonna lose my lunch.

Quote from Blanche

Fidel: Blanche, listen-
Sophia: Fidel, don't sugar-coat it for her. Look, we happen to be an item. I'm wearing his MedicAlert bracelet.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Girls, this nightgown is so sheer I believe you can see right through it. Oh, hello, Fidel.
Fidel: Hello, Blanche. How are you?
Blanche: You don't have cataracts, you tell me.
Sophia: Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Blanche, this is all about your ego, isn't it?
Blanche: Ego? Dorothy, I have no ego. And you can ask the hundreds of men who would gladly cut off their right arm to sleep with me.
Rose: I agree with Dorothy. I don't think you'd even still be dating Fidel if another woman wasn't interested in him.
Blanche: Girls, look, I know it seems strange, but I happen to have strong feelings for Fidel. I can't explain it. Some things in life defy explanation.
Rose: Yeah, like Bruce Willis's hair.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Rose, I have a little surprise for you!
Rose: Cookies and milk! Oh, my God, what's wrong?
Dorothy: Nothing's wrong.
Rose: You only do nice things for me when something terrible has happened.
Dorothy: Rose, you failed the history test.
Rose: What does that mean?
Dorothy: It means you got more wrong than right.
Rose: I know that - I didn't fail math. I was talking about the bigger picture.
Dorothy: It means you won't get your diploma.
Rose: Yeah? Well, you have a big behind.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, Rose Please, let's try to keep this on an adult level. And if you wanna talk behinds, they could show How the West Was Won on yours.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, boy! Sophia! Sophia, I'm a high school graduate!
Sophia: Congratulations. Now you can get any job involving a cardboard hat.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Confused? How could he possibly confuse this young, nubile body with that raisin in sneakers?

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Dorothy, everyone here is a woman.
Father: We are gathered here today to honor the memory of a man who has suddenly been taken from us.
Sophia: What are you looking at me for? Just keep talking.
Father: Fidel Santiago was a very special man. He was kind, caring and loving. He was a man who brought joy into the lives of all he touched. [mass sobbing]
Dorothy: I have the feeling he touched every behind in the room.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Excuse me, Father. Hold that thought. Which of you was Fidel's girlfriend?
Blanche: Oh! My God, he had his burro hitched to every bedpost in town!
Rose: But that's good news, girls. That means your cheap, animal-like lust didn't have anything to do with killing Fidel.
Woman: I'm leaving. I'm not about to mourn a man who's been with every woman in this room.
Dorothy: He was never with me.
Woman: I guess even he had his standards.


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