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‘The Auction’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Auction

411. The Auction

Aired January 14, 1989

As the girls struggle to get enough money to fix the roof, they decide to buy a painting by a contemptible artist who is reportedly dying, hoping its value will skyrocket.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, morning, Ma. You sleep OK?
Sophia: No. I got up in the middle of the night and there was a puddle in my bed. Do you know how relieved I was to find out the roof was leaking?

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Quote from Rose

Blanche: Girls, look, a mime.
Rose: Oh, I just love a mime. It's all on account of my Uncle Gustav. He was a coal mimer.
Blanche: You mean a coal miner.
Rose: No, a coal mimer. You see, he had a bad back and he didn't want to lose his medical benefits, so every morning he'd go down the shaft and pretend to work.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing in here?
Sophia: The searchlights were out so I tunneled out of my room with a spoon. I couldn't sleep so I'm having some tea. If that's OK with you, Prime Minister Botha?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, I couldn't sleep either. I had a terrible nightmare.
Sophia: Was it the dream where you're a lonely old woman and your family doesn't want you so they put you in a home and never come to see you or take you out on holidays?
Dorothy: That wasn't my dream.
Sophia: Oh, yeah, right. That was my life.
Dorothy: Ma, please, for the hundredth time, Shady Pines was a beautiful retirement village.
Sophia: Sure, sure. And Attica's known for its topnotch tennis facilities.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Let me tell you a story. Picture it. Sardinia, 1932.
Blanche: I thought these stories of yours always took place in Sicily.
Sophia: Can't a person go away for the weekend? Anyway, I'm on a tour of the great caper factories of Sardinia. I was a kooky kid going through my piccata period. A wedge of lemon and a smart answer for everything. Anyway, I was I was slicing an onion when suddenly this big basil tree--
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Sophia: I was hoping the late hour would help to mask that. I don't have a story about taking advantage of a dead guy for money. I got a great story about a Moroccan and a monkey, but that really comes under the heading of lust.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Gee, you save a guy's life, and all you get is apple juice and a cookie?

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Rose. Is the ceiling in your room leaking too?
Rose: No, Dorothy. I just finished milking the cow I keep in my closet. Gee, with only three hours' sleep, I can be as bitchy as you.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Look, we have to do something about the roof. It's getting worse.
Sophia: Forget it. Blanche'll wait for the ceiling to cave in on her before she'll do anything.
Dorothy: Blanche, listen, we have to talk about the roof.
Blanche: Dorothy, I already called the repairman. Last night the damn ceiling caved in on my bedroom. Knocked the Zorro mask right out of poor Ed Rosen's hand.

Quote from Dorothy

Sid LaBass: Well, I don't think I need to go up there. I could see it was a goner when I drove up.
Blanche: Oh, Sid! Well, can't you patch it up or something?
Sid LaBass: Yeah, I could patch it up, but that won't stop more leaks when it rains again.
Rose: What are you trying to say, Sid? You couldn't follow that?
Dorothy: She has trouble following Murder, She Wrote.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Well, goodbye.
Dorothy: Ma, where are you going?
Sophia: It's my day to volunteer at the hospital.
Rose: Oh, Sophia, you know it's really sweet of you to volunteer.
Sophia: I like charity work. Besides, I've got my eye on an eligible doctor for Dorothy. I hope he likes charitable work too.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: I don't get it.
Rose: This kind of art does nothing for me.
Blanche: But you have to open your mind to new perceptions. This is nonrepresentational art. I work in a museum, so I understand these things. Now, for instance, this slash of color of red across the bottom, well, that represents the setting sun. And this jagged blue line, now, that signifies the ocean. Then this spot of orange up here in the corner, that stands for the planets and man's eternal struggle against nature and the elements.
Rose: No, it doesn't. That's where I put my Creamsicle down this afternoon when I answered the phone. See? It rubs right off.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Wait a minute, Rose. Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?
Rose: Is it this one with the naked man and woman in the waves?
Blanche: Yes, that's it. You can't use this towel.
Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency. We'll replace it next week.
Blanche: Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel. There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.
Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand.
Blanche: I brought my son Skippy home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're lying, Blanche.
Blanche: Damn, you're good. It wasn't all up and down the coast. It was only Fort Lauderdale during spring break.
Dorothy: Give me the towel.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: How are we gonna come up with $10,000?
Dorothy: Well, I hate to do it, but I do have a couple of thousand in stock that I could cash in.
Rose: Well, I guess I could close up my Christmas club.
Blanche: How much is that?
Rose: Let's see. We're in January. So this would be week three.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: What are you guys doing up?
Dorothy: We're conducting a seance to contact Liberace. We couldn't sleep. Why else would we be up at 4am?

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: I couldn't sleep either, but I think it was something I ate before bed.
Sophia: What did you eat?
Rose: Nothing out of the ordinary. A handful of Snowcaps, a couple of Devil Dogs, some Oreos. Oh, yeah, and a Ho Ho chopped up in a bowl of fruit cocktail with heavy syrup.
Dorothy: Couldn't sleep? I'm surprised you didn't try to kill the mayor of San Francisco.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Good morning, girls. Boy, do I feel wonderful. I just had the best night's sleep.
Rose: Blanche, it's four in the morning.
Blanche: What? Oh, for heaven's sake. I don't believe it. Do you know what happens if I don't spend eight hours in bed?
Sophia: Iranian guys write their cousins back home and tell them not to come?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: No, I simply cannot function the next day. But I always sleep like a baby. How could this have happened?
Dorothy: None of us could sleep, and we all know the reason why.
Rose: Why?
Dorothy: You are nothing if not consistent, Rose.
Rose: Thank you, Dorothy, but hot water and oat bran every morning takes most of the credit.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Why are these statues always of naked men?
Blanche: Oh, you see, Rose, the Greeks and Romans always sculpted men. They admired the beauty of the male form. Its sinewy, muscled hardness, its rippling loins, its chiseled buttocks. My, it's getting hot in here.
Rose: It certainly is. [Rose waves her auction paddle]
Auctioneer: I have 25. Do I hear 30?
Dorothy: Rose, you just made a bid.
Rose: How?
Dorothy: You did this. [Dorothy does the same]
Auctioneer: I have 35. Thank you. Who'll give me-
Blanche: Great, Dorothy.
Rose: Relax, Blanche. It's only $30.
Blanche: No, it's $30,000.
Rose: $30,000? Just for doing this? [again]
Auctioneer: I have 35. Who'll give me 40?
Rose: What did you do that for?
Dorothy: You'll need both hands to pray that he gets someone to give him 40.

Quote from Rose

Auctioneer: Who'll open the bidding at 5,000?
Dorothy: One of us at a time.
Auctioneer: I have 5,000. Do I have 6,000? Six. Who'll give me 65?
Dorothy: Now, watch how I do this. If you really play it cool, you can scare off the other bidders. Uh, 6500.
Auctioneer: I have 65. Who'll make it seven?
Dorothy: I have seven. Who'll give me 75?
Blanche: My turn. 75.
Auctioneer: I have 75. Who'll give me 8,000?
Rose: Eight thousand.
Auctioneer: I have eight.
Blanche: Rose, what are you doing? You just bid against us.
Rose: Oh, I guess I got carried away with the cool part.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, I could just smack you.
Auctioneer: I have 85.
Blanche: Oh, give me that thing.
Auctioneer: I have nine. Going once, going twice Unless you ladies would like to pay more. Sold. $9,000.

Quote from Sophia

Sid LaBass: I'd give anything to own a painting like that.
Blanche: How about that painting for a new roof?
Sid LaBass: You're kidding.
Sophia: Of course she's kidding. That painting means everything to me. I could never part with it.
Rose: Sophia! Are you crazy?
Sophia: Crazy about DeKimmel.
Sid LaBass: Ma'am, would you be insulted if I made you an offer for that painting?
Sophia: Please! I'm insulted by that shirt you're wearing. That doesn't mean we can't do business. Talk to me, Sidney.
Sid LaBass: Well, what about a new roof with a five-year warranty?
Sophia: And $2500.
Sid LaBass: In cash?
Sophia: No, in pistachio nuts. Of course. Cash, today. Tomorrow the price goes up. DeKimmel isn't getting any younger.
Sid LaBass: Well, $2500 seems a little steep.
Sophia: $3,000. You ticked me off. [exits]
Dorothy: Now you're watching a real artist at work.


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