Dorothy: Oh, morning, Ma. You sleep OK?
Sophia: No. I got up in the middle of the night and there was a puddle in my bed. Do you know how relieved I was to find out the roof was leaking?

Sophia: Let me tell you a story. Picture it. Sardinia, 1932.
Blanche: I thought these stories of yours always took place in Sicily.
Sophia: Can't a person go away for the weekend? Anyway, I'm on a tour of the great caper factories of Sardinia. I was a kooky kid going through my piccata period. A wedge of lemon and a smart answer for everything. Anyway, I was I was slicing an onion when suddenly this big basil tree--
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Sophia: I was hoping the late hour would help to mask that. I don't have a story about taking advantage of a dead guy for money. I got a great story about a Moroccan and a monkey, but that really comes under the heading of lust.

Blanche: Girls, look, a mime.
Rose: Oh, I just love a mime. It's all on account of my Uncle Gustav. He was a coal mimer.
Blanche: You mean a coal miner.
Rose: No, a coal mimer. You see, he had a bad back and he didn't want to lose his medical benefits, so every morning he'd go down the shaft and pretend to work.

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing in here?
Sophia: The searchlights were out so I tunneled out of my room with a spoon. I couldn't sleep so I'm having some tea. If that's OK with you, Prime Minister Botha?

Dorothy: Oh, I couldn't sleep either. I had a terrible nightmare.
Sophia: Was it the dream where you're a lonely old woman and your family doesn't want you so they put you in a home and never come to see you or take you out on holidays?
Dorothy: That wasn't my dream.
Sophia: Oh, yeah, right. That was my life.
Dorothy: Ma, please, for the hundredth time, Shady Pines was a beautiful retirement village.
Sophia: Sure, sure. And Attica's known for its topnotch tennis facilities.

Sophia: Gee, you save a guy's life, and all you get is apple juice and a cookie?

Rose: I couldn't sleep either, but I think it was something I ate before bed.
Sophia: What did you eat?
Rose: Nothing out of the ordinary. A handful of Snowcaps, a couple of Devil Dogs, some Oreos. Oh, yeah, and a Ho Ho chopped up in a bowl of fruit cocktail with heavy syrup.
Dorothy: Couldn't sleep? I'm surprised you didn't try to kill the mayor of San Francisco.

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Rose. Is the ceiling in your room leaking too?
Rose: No, Dorothy. I just finished milking the cow I keep in my closet. Gee, with only three hours' sleep, I can be as bitchy as you.

Dorothy: Look, we have to do something about the roof. It's getting worse.
Sophia: Forget it. Blanche'll wait for the ceiling to cave in on her before she'll do anything.
Dorothy: Blanche, listen, we have to talk about the roof.
Blanche: Dorothy, I already called the repairman. Last night the damn ceiling caved in on my bedroom. Knocked the Zorro mask right out of poor Ed Rosen's hand.

Sophia: Well, goodbye.
Dorothy: Ma, where are you going?
Sophia: It's my day to volunteer at the hospital.
Rose: Oh, Sophia, you know it's really sweet of you to volunteer.
Sophia: I like charity work. Besides, I've got my eye on an eligible doctor for Dorothy. I hope he likes charitable work too.