Rose: My Charlie asked me to marry him ten minutes after we met. Course, we were only seven at the time. My mother was so cute when I told her. She said, "Rose, honey, you're just a little girl. You have your entire life before you, and the whole world to see. Now, you wait until you grow up and get sophisticated, and marry at 15 like your sisters."
Blanche: But you didn't.
Rose: No, I was always kind of the gypsy of the family. The rebel. I wanted to see the world. That's why after high school, I went to St. Gustave University to study Latin.
Dorothy: I didn't know you studied Latin.
Rose: First in my class, Orothyday.

Sophia: Well, what do you think?
Blanche: Sophia, that looks beautiful. It's absolutely gorgeous.
Rose: Don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?
Sophia: Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow.

Sophia: All right, Dorothy. Let's get out of here.
Dorothy: Ma, we have to pay our respects to the family. And listen, if you see Max, I don't want you making another scene like you did at the funeral.
Sophia: Scene? What scene? It's not my fault the klutz tripped over my foot and nearly fell into an open grave.
Dorothy: You didn't have to yell, "Start shoveling, boys!" as he tried to get up.

Dorothy: Ma! Oh, my God!
Blanche: Dorothy, what is it?
Rose: What, honey?
Blanche: Oh! Good Lord.
Dorothy: Ma, what is going on here?
Sophia: Afterglow.

Dorothy: Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.
Blanche: Dorothy, back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with muttonchop sideburns named Elvis. The light was bad in the bayou. It could have happened.
Dorothy: Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.
Blanche: Oh, all right, all right. But I once did make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest, and in the middle of it I cried out Elvis' name. Technically, I think that counts.

Sophia: How's business?
Rose: We've only had two customers all day.
Blanche: I think it's such a nice hot day, they're all in the water.
Sophia: That's your problem? You can't get the people out of the water? Amateurs. Let me show you how you run a pizza-knish stand at the beach. Shark! Shark! Shark!

Max: You're little Dorothy Petrillo.
Dorothy: That's right.
Max: You haven't changed a bit. Same gorgeous smile. Pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair.
Dorothy: You have cataracts, don't you, Mr. Weinstock?
Max: Since 1967.

Blanche: What are you gonna do today, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Sit in a dark room and smoke ten packs of cigarettes.
Rose: Dorothy, I know what you're going through. I smoked for years.
Dorothy: You smoked? Rose, that's like finding out Lassie was an alcoholic.
Rose: Lassie was an alcoholic?! That explains why she always tipped to one side when she waved goodbye to Timmy.

Rose: Boy, making pizza really brings back a flood of childhood memories.
Dorothy: Make a lot of pizza as a kid?
Rose: No. My favorite uncle, Uncle Gunther, used to sprinkle Parmesan cheese on his hair.
Blanche: Why would he do that?
Rose: He said it was the perfect compliment to the croutons he'd taped to his eyebrows. He had a Caesar complex. Salad, not Julius.

Rose: You know, Blanche is right. It doesn't matter how good your product is, you have to know how to promote it. That sure was the case with Fritz Vanderhoeven, who owned the St. Olaf Motor Coach Company.
Blanche: They built a car in St. Olaf?
Rose: They sure did. The Vanderhoeven Rocket. Oh, it was a beauty. Fritz really had vision. Actually, he had double vision, which is why it had eight tires.
Dorothy: So, uh... What happened?
Rose: It never got off the ground. Bad promotion. Which was a shame, because it's the first car to this day that ran on free fuel. It was totally powered by cow manure. I think a lot of people were turned off by the ad: a cow sitting on a gas tank, reading the Farmers' Almanac.