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75Quotes from ‘Sophia's Wedding’

The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding

406. Sophia's Wedding

Aired November 19, 1988

Dorothy is concerned when Sophia moves past a feud with an old family friend to fall in love with him and decide to get married. Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose start an Elvis fan club, and Dorothy starts smoking again.

Quote from Rose

Rose: My Charlie asked me to marry him ten minutes after we met. Course, we were only seven at the time. My mother was so cute when I told her. She said, "Rose, honey, you're just a little girl. You have your entire life before you, and the whole world to see. Now, you wait until you grow up and get sophisticated, and marry at 15 like your sisters."
Blanche: But you didn't.
Rose: No, I was always kind of the gypsy of the family. The rebel. I wanted to see the world. That's why after high school, I went to St. Gustave University to study Latin.
Dorothy: I didn't know you studied Latin.
Rose: First in my class, Orothyday.

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Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.
Blanche: Dorothy, back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with muttonchop sideburns named Elvis. The light was bad in the bayou. It could have happened.
Dorothy: Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.
Blanche: Oh, all right, all right. But I once did make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest, and in the middle of it I cried out Elvis' name. Technically, I think that counts.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: All right, Dorothy. Let's get out of here.
Dorothy: Ma, we have to pay our respects to the family. And listen, if you see Max, I don't want you making another scene like you did at the funeral.
Sophia: Scene? What scene? It's not my fault the klutz tripped over my foot and nearly fell into an open grave.
Dorothy: You didn't have to yell, "Start shoveling, boys!" as he tried to get up.

Quote from Dorothy

Max: You're little Dorothy Petrillo.
Dorothy: That's right.
Max: You haven't changed a bit. Same gorgeous smile. Pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair.
Dorothy: You have cataracts, don't you, Mr. Weinstock?
Max: Since 1967.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma! Oh, my God!
Blanche: Dorothy, what is it?
Rose: What, honey?
Blanche: Oh! Good Lord.
Dorothy: Ma, what is going on here?
Sophia: Afterglow.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Well, what do you think?
Blanche: Sophia, that looks beautiful. It's absolutely gorgeous.
Rose: Don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?
Sophia: Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Uh-oh. Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list, or everyone in Max's family appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: What are you gonna do today, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Sit in a dark room and smoke ten packs of cigarettes.
Rose: Dorothy, I know what you're going through. I smoked for years.
Dorothy: You smoked? Rose, that's like finding out Lassie was an alcoholic.
Rose: Lassie was an alcoholic?! That explains why she always tipped to one side when she waved goodbye to Timmy.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Boy, making pizza really brings back a flood of childhood memories.
Dorothy: Make a lot of pizza as a kid?
Rose: No. My favorite uncle, Uncle Gunther, used to sprinkle Parmesan cheese on his hair.
Blanche: Why would he do that?
Rose: He said it was the perfect compliment to the croutons he'd taped to his eyebrows. He had a Caesar complex. Salad, not Julius.

Quote from Rose

Rose: You know, Blanche is right. It doesn't matter how good your product is, you have to know how to promote it. That sure was the case with Fritz Vanderhoeven, who owned the St. Olaf Motor Coach Company.
Blanche: They built a car in St. Olaf?
Rose: They sure did. The Vanderhoeven Rocket. Oh, it was a beauty. Fritz really had vision. Actually, he had double vision, which is why it had eight tires.
Dorothy: So, uh... What happened?
Rose: It never got off the ground. Bad promotion. Which was a shame, because it's the first car to this day that ran on free fuel. It was totally powered by cow manure. I think a lot of people were turned off by the ad: a cow sitting on a gas tank, reading the Farmers' Almanac.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: How's business?
Rose: We've only had two customers all day.
Blanche: I think it's such a nice hot day, they're all in the water.
Sophia: That's your problem? You can't get the people out of the water? Amateurs. Let me show you how you run a pizza-knish stand at the beach. Shark! Shark! Shark!

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: This is the kind of mistake you're supposed to make when you're 19. It gives me hope to think you can be just as dopey at 82.
Max: So. Do you want to get a divorce?
Sophia: Hey, I'm Catholic. I don't need a divorce on my record with St. Peter in spitting distance. I say we get separated.
Max: Fine. That's a better idea. I'll go back to Brooklyn. My family's there, my grandkids. And I miss the old neighborhood.
Sophia: And I'll stay here in Miami. Ever since I lost my Sal, the ladies I live with are my family. But that doesn't mean we can't get together occasionally for... you know.
Max: You can do that when you're just good friends?
Sophia: Hey, I want to get in good with St. Peter, I don't want his job.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I set off the smoke alarm.
Rose: How?
Dorothy: Cigarette.
Rose: Oh, no thank you, I don't smoke. Now, how did you set off the alarm?
Dorothy: I smoked a cigarette, you amoeba.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, it just so happens that it was not about sex. There's a lot more than that to Blanche Devereaux. My dream was to be a great scientist. Work in a laboratory. Do research. Find a cure for the common cold.
Dorothy: You know, Blanche, I owe you an apology. I really thought-
Blanche: Then I'd knock all those test tubes off the table, grab a Ph.D., and show those lab rabbits how it's really done.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily to tell her about the wedding. She told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I have the blessing of my eldest daughter, or my child with the most facial hair. Either way, all arrows point to you.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Girls! Girls, it's here. I am so excited. It's my letter from the Elvis Presley fan club. Oh, my hands are shaking. Dorothy, you read it.
Dorothy: "Dear Rose Nylund. Your application to start an unauthorized chapter of the Elvis Presley Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club in your neighborhood and/or trailer park has been accepted."
Rose: This is the happiest, most fulfilling day of my life!
Sophia: Which makes you the most pathetic human being on this planet.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, what's the matter?
Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together. She was my best friend.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?
Sophia: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. She was 88!
Rose: Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Sophia, she was your best friend. Are you sure you don't want to go to her funeral?
Sophia: Of course I want to go. But I swore a Sicilian oath I would never cast my eyes on Max Weinstock again. And nothing you say or do will make me change my mind.
Dorothy: I'll pay for both tickets.
Sophia: Book business class. If I have to sit through the Three Amigos, I'll need champagne.

Quote from Dorothy

Max: Salvadore wanted to tell you, but I wouldn't let him. I cared for you both too much to let your marriage break up. And Sal felt so guilty, he never gambled again. It was worth it.
Dorothy: That was a very lovely thing you did, Mr. Weinstock. Wasn't it, Ma? Wasn't it, Ma?
Max: Ah, forget it. It's ancient history.
Dorothy: Ma, say something to him.
Sophia: I can't. Sicilians have a hard time with apologies.
Dorothy: They also have a hard time passing wet cement without putting someone in it. They manage.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Well, that about concludes the first meeting of the Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club. But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise. A genuine Elvis artifact!
Rose: It's a partially-eaten pork chop. He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? It's wonderful!
Dorothy: This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop. [laughs]
Blanche: Dorothy, you're out of the club. Meeting is adjourned. Thank you, ladies. See you next week.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.
Dorothy: I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.
Rose: We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.
Blanche: Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion.
Dorothy: Like what, Blanche? The PLO?

Quote from Sophia

Max: Look, Dorothy, I know that you'll probably find it hard to understand. But when I saw your mother again after all these years, something happened. We talked, we laughed, we held hands, we fell in love. Actually, we got a hot dog before we fell in love. But the point is, we're crazy about each other. And if this turns out to be a mistake, what the hell, we'll probably be dead before we find out.
Sophia: Kiss me, you poet.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, this is the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life.
Sophia: Fine. Don't come to the wedding. Who wants you? But just remember one thing. If you want to send us a gift, we're registered at Jordan Marsh.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: What's a terrific idea?
Rose: Hiring an Elvis impersonator for our next club meeting.
Blanche: Dorothy, if you were picking an Elvis impersonator, how would you pick a good one?
Dorothy: I'd thump on his belly and see if he's ripe. How the hell should I know? And why the hell should I care? You threw me out of your crummy club.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: It doesn't matter. No one's gonna see this dress.
Rose: What do you mean?
Sophia: According to Sicilian custom, I can't get married unless I have you-know-who's blessing.
Rose: Who?
Sophia: Dick Clark! Dorothy, you idiot.
Rose: Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you know how I feel. I cannot give you my blessing.
Sophia: Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth.
Dorothy: Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five foot, seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.
Sophia: Damn MCI.

Quote from Blanche

Caterer: This is more moving than Susan Hayward's climactic speech in I Want To Live!
Blanche: You're ready to fly right out of here, aren't you?
Caterer: Well, excuse me for living, Anita Bryant.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Oh, Sophia. Honey, I want to wish you all the happiness in the world.
Sophia: Oh, thank you, Blanche.
Rose: And Sophia, I want to offer you a traditional Scandinavian wedding blessing. Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen.
potetaflingin faflafen.
Sophia: I'm really touched. I'm also soaking wet.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: You think you'll ever get married again?
Rose: Oh, I don't know. I don't think so.
Dorothy: Me neither. How about you, Blanche?
Blanche: Oh, absolutely. If the right man ever came along. Course, he'd have to have the body of Mel Gibson, the personality of Johnny Carson, and the financial resources of Donald Trump.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: [on the phone] Hello, fire department? This is Blanche Devereaux at 5161 Richm- Oh! Well, of course you know where it is. Hi, Ed. I'm on fire. Why, you naughty boy!
Dorothy: Blanche-
Rose: I'll bet that's why Chicago burnt down. Mrs. O'Leary was probably a tramp, too.
Dorothy: Give me that. [on the phone] Look, I'm terribly sorry. There's been a mistake. There is no fire here. That's right, this isn't Blanche. So that remark about the fire hose was totally wasted.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I'm just so upset that I started smoking again.
Rose: Well, why did you start again?
Dorothy: I don't know. I don't know. I've just been under a lot of stress lately. My job, Ma getting married-
Blanche: You're growing older, you don't go out much, your chin is starting to droop.
Dorothy: You know, since I've already had the cigarette, why don't you just blindfold me and shoot me?

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Well, how was the honeymoon?
Max: I tell you, that Disney World hotel was just wonderful. It had everything. Good service, delicious food, a beautiful room.
Rose: What did you think of the rides?
Max: They got rides?
Sophia: Don't worry about it. You had a good time and you never had to stand in line.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: He likes to eat breakfast in his underwear. I hope that's not a problem for anyone.
Dorothy: I need a cigarette.
Blanche: No, Dorothy! You sit right down here. Now, you need to exercise a little self-control. Dorothy, listen. You can quit smoking. Now, just do it the way I did it, just taper off. Smoke only after sex.
Sophia: Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime.

Quote from Dorothy

Max: Hiya, cupcake. It's time to play connect the freckles.
Dorothy: Not now, Max. Would you hand me the- Aagh!
Sophia: What the hell is going on here? Aagh!
Blanche: Aagh!
Rose: Aagh!
Max: Quiet, quiet, quiet! This has been a big mistake. I thought Sophia was in the shower. Hand me my glasses. I'm blind as a bat without 'em. [After Rose puts Max's glasses on, he turns to look at Dorothy] Aagh!
Dorothy: Shut up, Max.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Well? What do you think?
Dorothy: Ma, this is a run-down old concession stand.
Blanche: You can't live here.
Sophia: We're not living here. We leased it.
Max: It took every dime we had, but it's a dream come true.
Rose: I don't understand.
Sophia: You should have that printed on a T-shirt.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: This is the worst cold I've had in 40 years.
Max: My back is killing me. I feel dizzy and nauseous. Every joint in my body feels like it's on fire.
Blanche: Boy, you really caught a nasty bug.
Max: Please! I'm 84 years old. I feel like this every day.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Never fear, Doctor Rose is here. I made you both an old-fashioned St. Olaf tonic. Guaranteed to get you back on your feet and put hair on your chest. That's the one nasty side effect they could never figure out.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Rose, maybe you ought to work on the knishes. Or did you have an uncle who was a Mr. Potato Head?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: And after Ma got everybody out of the water, people started trying our food.
Rose: And before we knew it, there wasn't a pizza or a knish left on the shelf.
Blanche: The place is a hit.
Max: Sophia, I am very proud of you. Not only did you save the business, but you saved all those people from the shark.
Sophia: [to Dorothy] Don't look so worried. I handle the books.


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