Best ‘The Golden Girls’ Quotes Page 1 of 25
Rose: I don't drink before bedtime. I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up.
Sophia: I never have that problem. Never. I sleep like a log. I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning like clockwork, at 7 am I pee. Unfortunately, I don't wake up till 8.
Blanche: You don't have to worry about me. I never get sick. I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.
Rose: I'll make it up to you, Dorothy, I promise. Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya."
Dorothy: Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes, I do. Don't ever do that.
Rose: Wait a minute. If you didn't sleep with any of the men in these journals, then how come it says "Bed" on the cover?
Blanche: [laughs] Oh, that doesn't say "Bed."
Rose: Right there, it does.
Blanche: Oh, silly, those are my initials. Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell "Bed"?
Dorothy: Honey, lean over a mirror some time and take a look at yourself.
Blanche: Where's a mirror?
Sophia: There's one in the tool drawer.
Dorothy: I think you'd better take a sedative before you look.
Blanche: Don't be silly. I look at my face all the time. How different could it be leaning over? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Dorothy, why didn't you tell me about this before?
Dorothy: Only on your back, Blanche. That way everything slides back and you look like you just had a face lift.
Blanche: Oh, you're right. I'm gorgeous. I'm gonna have to meet men lying down.
Sophia: I thought you did.
Dorothy: Of course that way, not only does your face fall back, but your chest does too. Unfortunately, it falls back and off to the side.
Blanche: It sure would be nice to have some investments to fall back on, though. I just never had a mind for that.
Dorothy: Me neither. I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Rose: Did he have a head for numbers, Stanley?
Dorothy: The man used to have to get naked to count to 21.
Blanche: Wish me luck.
Dorothy: Wait. Blanche, why should you do it?
Blanche: Because we'll have a better chance. I happen to be a wonderful orator. And two of the commissioners can verify that.
Dorothy: Blanche, "orator" means "speaker".
Blanche: Really? Oh. Well, somebody else do the talking.
Rose: I remember when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. There was this old lady who lived up the street. She never smiled. I mean, she always looked angry. The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property. We called her Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper.
Blanche: Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.
Rose: No. That was her name. Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper. She had it changed legally 'cause everybody called her that anyway.
Blanche: Then how come your name isn't Big Dummy?
Rose: Well, there were already three other people in town with that name. But that's beside the point. One day I got up the courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper and ask her why she always frowned. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles. I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down. So from then on, whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave.
Clayton: Blanche, we don't have to worry about what the world thinks about our relationship. It just doesn't matter, because we're there for each other. I'd do anything for Doug, and he'd bend over backwards for me.
Dorothy: [covers Sophia's mouth and pulls her close] Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy.
Rose: Oh, good, you're home for the Festival of the Dancing Virgins. The sauce is almost ready.
Dorothy: I'm not staying for dinner tonight. There's a meeting at Mensa. That's the organization for people with high IQs like mine.
Rose: You know, in St. Olaf we had a chapter of Mensa, and across the room was Girlsa. No, wait, those were the bathrooms at St. Olaf's only Italian restaurant.
Blanche: Oh, hello there. I don't believe we've been introduced. My name is Blanche Deveraux. That's French for "Blanche Deveraux."
Blanche: Well, we are going away for a romantic weekend to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about, uh...
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Dorothy: Condoms, Rose. Condoms, condoms, condoms!