Blanche: You know, I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk. I'm going out with him Saturday night.
Dorothy: Was there ever any doubt?
Blanche: Momentarily. This is strictly off the record, but Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
Dorothy: Ma, "disdam" is not a word. You made it up.
Sophia: It's a word.
Dorothy: Fine. Use it in a sentence.
Sophia: "You're no good at disdam game."
Dorothy: Blanche, come on. Don't be absurd. Look, we were robbed, and now it's over. It has nothing to do with energy. It has nothing to do with being single. It has to do with a lousy lock on a sliding door and massive unemployment. Now, I'm going into my room. Call me when the cops come.
Rose: We're all employed, Dorothy, except your mother. I wouldn't call that "massive."
Dorothy: Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.
Rose: My father used to punish us by sending us to the dairy barn to milk Alice.
Dorothy: Well, what's so terrible about that?
Rose: You had to milk Alice sitting on a stool.
Blanche: I thought you always milked a cow sitting on a stool.
Rose: No, no. Alice had to sit on a stool. You see, she was involved in this nasty plowing accident. It was during spring planting and Daddy had hitched her up to the plow 'cause poor old Toby had gotten a fever and gone deaf-
Dorothy: Rose, Rose, Rose. Sweetheart, save the story. When David comes back, tell him. That can be his punishment.
Blanche: Sophia's home just burned down.
Harry: Oh, that's terrible!
Sophia: Not to me. It was a retirement home, and you know what they did? They set off the fire alarm in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs. But they got bells going off like crazy. You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty.
Blanche: Everybody, this is Harry. Harry, this is Rose.
Blanche: And Dorothy.
Dorothy: Hi, Harry.
Blanche: And this is Sophia.
Harry: Well, you must be Blanche's sister.
Sophia: You must be blind.
Dorothy: Ma, I just want to give him a call.
Sophia: Pussycat, you're out of your league. There are some people you just can't help. It's like the Good Lord said - "You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away."
Dorothy: Ma, that's not the Good Lord, that's Kenny Rogers.
Sophia: God, Kenny Rogers. Tomato, tomah-to.
Rose: The reason these confidence men don't get caught is because people are embarrassed to come forward and admit they were conned.
Blanche: I'm sorry, Rose. I just can't.
Rose: Well, perhaps this little story might make you change your mind. Back in St. Olaf there was a shepherd boy who tended his flock on the hill above the town. A wolf kept coming down and stealing his sheep, but the boy never caught him doing it. Because he never saw it happening, he became known around St. Olaf as the boy who didn't cry wolf. Anyway, one day the townspeople heard the boy on the hill yelling, "Wolf, Wolf. " Well, they all figured, if the boy never cried wolf when the wolf was there, if he yelled wolf now, it stood to reason the wolf wasn't there.
Sophia: Boy, nothing gets by you people.
Rose: Damn straight. It was a bear. A huge, ferocious, grizzly bear.
Blanche: What happened to the boy?
Rose: He became known as the boy who cried continuously.
Rose: I am so glad to finally meet you. Lunch is all set up out on the lanai. Your father says you're a classical musician. What do you play?
Caroline: The English horn.
Rose: I didn't know horns had nationalities. But I guess it makes sense. If jumping beans can be Mexican and fire drills can be Chinese and flies can be Spanish.
Rose: You know, there are all sorts of things that people get that they can't diagnose. And then they disappear just as mysteriously as they came. Gustav Ljungqvist got sick from something mysterious, and he nearly died. Well, he did die, in fact. Then at the cemetery, Beatrice Ljungqvist - his wife - kept screaming, "He's alive, he's alive! I can hear him from the grave!" Well, everybody thought it was the hallucinations of a grieving widow, so they sedated her. But when she woke up from her sedation, she told them that he said, from the grave, "We never paid our '78 through '86 income taxes." And his partner said, "Only Gustav would know that. He must be alive." So they all raced to the cemetery, and the entire town started digging like crazy - kneeling by the grave, using their hands even, dirt flying and Beatrice screaming - and when they opened that coffin, there he was, dead as a doornail.
Blanche: What is the point of that ridiculous story, Rose?
Rose: The point is Gustav didn't die from his mysterious disease at all. He lived and recovered. Trouble was, he recovered while he was buried, so by the time they got to him, he'd died of suffocation.
Blanche: I just don't believe these stories you tell, Rose.
Rose: The other tragic aspect was the IRS was waiting at the cemetery to arrest Gustav's partner, Bergstrom. So Bergstrom killed himself right then and there, by grabbing the gun from Sheriff Tokvisten and shooting himself. What they did then was, since the grave was still open, and everybody was right there, and Gustav and Bergstrom had been partners, so they put Bergstrom in with Gustav and had a double burial. Unfortunately, later they found out that Bergstrom wanted to be cremated.
Blanche: Oh, shut up, Rose!