Erica: Um, it's gonna be fine. You'll be fine. Um, maybe not fine. Life will move on.
Geoff: Erica, you told her about us?
Erica: Um, no.
Evelyn Silver: What about you guys?
Geoff: What? No! Nothing romantic is going on while you're at volleyball practice between 3:30 and 5:00.
Erica: Stop using so many specifics, Geoff!
Geoff: All I'm saying is we were definitely not damaging some wind chimes in a moment of passion.
Erica: Geoff!
Geoff: I'm so sorry! Anxiety makes me get extremely detailed.

Adam: I need you to sign my permission slip for the Karate Club. I shall face my enemy in open combat.
Murray: Look at you. Finally listening to your old man, huh?
Adam: No, your stuff was useless. I'm being trained by the most deadly martial-arts sensei in town. Observe. Wah! Spray TV. Wipe TV. Spray TV. Wipe TV.
Murray: I don't know what the hell that was, but good for you for defending yourself. And for cleaning my TV.

Beverly: I demand you shut down the Karate Club.
Coach Mellor: Woof! You're awfully worked up. Must be a handful at home, huh?
Murray: You think? You do realize Adam shouldn't even be in this club? You know, there's gonna be teachers and mats and referees. This is literally the easiest way for Adam to take on a bully.
Beverly: Well, then, you leave me no choice. I am entering the karate tournament.
Coach Mellor: No. You're an adult.
Beverly: Oh, that's right. [bleep]

Adam: Know what, other Adam? I've had enough of this. Who cares about marketplace confusion? We're not that important. No one gives a crap about us but us. Let's do this!

Other Adam Goldberg: Yeah, here's the thing. I technically don't know how to, uh... fight.
Adam: What? But you said you did.
Other Adam Goldberg: It's called acting, bro. I was certain you'd wuss out. Really bit me in the ass here.
Adam: This is horrible. We're gonna embarrass ourselves in front of the whole school.
Other Adam Goldberg: I know. It's like a nightmare version of "Karate Kid."
Adam: Wait, you saw the movie? I thought you hate big studio fare?
Other Adam Goldberg: Eh, after I read your review, I gave it a shot. You're an okay writer. Not good enough for books. Maybe sitcoms or something.
Adam: Thanks. Look, I really am sorry about all the confusion. Truth is I'm a huge fan of your work. I've always looked up to you. I just want to be friends.

Naked Rob: Put him in a body bag, Adam!
Andy: Which Adam?
Naked Rob: Uh, either one.

Adam: And so it's with a heavy heart I must legally change my name. Let's take a look at option one. Examples of this might be Snake, Blade, or Axel.
Pops: Axel Goldberg?
Adam: Moving on. We have the second option. I can be Adam Kenobi, Adam Balboa, or Adam "Cobra" Commander.

Murray: First, you bop that kid in the nose. Then you hit him with a chair. Why aren't you writing this down?

Erica: Evy, hey. You okay?
Evelyn Silver: (voice breaking) I'm fine.
Erica: You sure? Something bad didn't happen to you, like a paper cut or a nasty break-up?
Evelyn Silver: I think something's going on between me and Geoffrey.
Erica: Geoffrey... the Toys R' Us giraffe?
Evelyn Silver: Schwartz.

Adam: Barry! I never thought I'd say this, but I need your street smarts and karate skills.
Barry: It's one-stop shopping with me. Continue.