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31Quotes from ‘The Kara-te Kid’

The Goldbergs: The Kara-te Kid

416. The Kara-te Kid

Aired March 1, 2017

The two Adam Goldbergs decide to finally settle their disagreement with a Karate Kid-inspired battle.

Quote from Pops

Barry: Or there's option 3: pick one of the names I've carefully crafted for you.
Adam: "Spazitron Spazzowitz." "Nads Asshattington." "Turd Smugglins."
Pops: No! Who would name their child Turd if their last name was Smugglins?! Who?!

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Quote from Adam

Other Adam Goldberg: We need to talk, Adam Goldberg.
Adam: Oh, yeah, sure. What's on your mind, other Adam Goldberg?
Other Adam Goldberg: For the record, you're the other Adam Goldberg, and you're ruining my rep. Everyone thinks I wrote this hacky tripe.
Adam: It's supposed to say "Adam F." It's a simple mistake, really. It's like that time the nurse gave you my inhaler, even though you don't have a problem with ragweed.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: We're totally the Zabkas.
Erica: Okay, what is happening?
Geoff: I just watched every Zabka movie. "Karate Kid", Zabka snap-kicks Daniel, who was just handing Ali back her radio. "Back to School", Zabka punches Rodney Dangerfield. He punches an old man in the face. "Just One of the Guys", Zabka throws a girl in the ocean. She was just trying to succeed as a photographer.
Erica: Hey! Terry lied to everybody about who she was, until she told him the truth with her boobs.
Geoff: I'm Geoff Schwartz, man. I can't be the Zabka. I'm the sweet, lovable, girl-next-door type. I'm the Elisabeth Shue.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I think it's easier if I just peacefully change my name 'cause the other Adam Goldberg is slightly inconvenienced every so often.

Quote from Murray

Adam & Barry: Wax on. Right hand. Wax off. Left hand.
Murray: Shh. It's hard enough to hear the old karate gardener without you two morons talking over him.

Quote from Pops

Adam: Oh, Man, I loved how Daniel-san beat up all those bullies. I mean, how many weeks did he train? Three? So cool.
Barry: I loved the leg sweeping and face punches.
Pops: I loved the wise old man kicking all those kids' butts. He should be arrested, but he's not.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Reading anything good there, Taz?
Taz: Yeah, man, this review of "Karate Kid" is fresh. That other Adam Goldberg in 11th grade knows his movies.
Adam: What? No. I wrote that.
Taz: It says here it's by Adam Goldberg. You're Adam F. Goldberg.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with one missing letter "F," my "Karate Kid" journey began.
Adam: Oh, balls!

Quote from Adam

Other Adam Goldberg: You!
Adam: Oh, balls!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Balls, indeed. There he was, the other Adam Goldberg. Indie, artsy, and my nemesis who had been on my mind a bit lately.

Quote from Adam

Other Adam Goldberg: Don't minimize this, bro. Do you have any idea how many people have congratulated me on this article?
Adam: Two?
Other Adam Goldberg: Wow, that's a good guess. Point is, I'm tired of the marketplace confusion. You got to change your name now.
Adam: I really don't think people are gonna be confused by our names, dude.
Coach Mellor: Hey, Goldberg, we're playing basketball in the gym, and your mother is insisting you wear a jockstrap so you don't hurt your yam bag.
Johnny Atkins: Ha! He's worried about his reproductive health.
Carla: His mom cares about him! That's a weakness!
Other Adam Goldberg: You're changing your name.

Quote from Adam

Other Adam Goldberg: That's it. I was just gonna make you change your name, but now I'm gonna beat the crap out of you and make you change your name.
Adam: Let's say you didn't beat me up, and I became a Mr. Turd Smugglins. Would that appeal to you?

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Um, it's gonna be fine. You'll be fine. Um, maybe not fine. Life will move on.
Geoff: Erica, you told her about us?
Erica: Um, no.
Evelyn Silver: What about you guys?
Geoff: What? No! Nothing romantic is going on while you're at volleyball practice between 3:30 and 5:00.
Erica: Stop using so many specifics, Geoff!
Geoff: All I'm saying is we were definitely not damaging some wind chimes in a moment of passion.
Erica: Geoff!
Geoff: I'm so sorry! Anxiety makes me get extremely detailed.

Quote from Murray

Adam: I need you to sign my permission slip for the Karate Club. I shall face my enemy in open combat.
Murray: Look at you. Finally listening to your old man, huh?
Adam: No, your stuff was useless. I'm being trained by the most deadly martial-arts sensei in town. Observe. Wah! Spray TV. Wipe TV. Spray TV. Wipe TV.
Murray: I don't know what the hell that was, but good for you for defending yourself. And for cleaning my TV.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I demand you shut down the Karate Club.
Coach Mellor: Woof! You're awfully worked up. Must be a handful at home, huh?
Murray: You think? You do realize Adam shouldn't even be in this club? You know, there's gonna be teachers and mats and referees. This is literally the easiest way for Adam to take on a bully.
Beverly: Well, then, you leave me no choice. I am entering the karate tournament.
Coach Mellor: No. You're an adult.
Beverly: Oh, that's right. [bleep]

Quote from Adam

Adam: Know what, other Adam? I've had enough of this. Who cares about marketplace confusion? We're not that important. No one gives a crap about us but us. Let's do this!

Quote from Adam

Other Adam Goldberg: Yeah, here's the thing. I technically don't know how to, uh... fight.
Adam: What? But you said you did.
Other Adam Goldberg: It's called acting, bro. I was certain you'd wuss out. Really bit me in the ass here.
Adam: This is horrible. We're gonna embarrass ourselves in front of the whole school.
Other Adam Goldberg: I know. It's like a nightmare version of "Karate Kid."
Adam: Wait, you saw the movie? I thought you hate big studio fare?
Other Adam Goldberg: Eh, after I read your review, I gave it a shot. You're an okay writer. Not good enough for books. Maybe sitcoms or something.
Adam: Thanks. Look, I really am sorry about all the confusion. Truth is I'm a huge fan of your work. I've always looked up to you. I just want to be friends.

Quote from Naked Rob

Naked Rob: Put him in a body bag, Adam!
Andy: Which Adam?
Naked Rob: Uh, either one.


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