Beverly: That's why I signed us up for a baby care class that we can all take together.
Geoff: Wait, like, all three of us?
Beverly: Oh, while there's nothing left for me to learn, I can be there to support you and hold that instructor to impossibly high standards.
Erica: Thanks, but no thanks.
Beverly: You're welcome, and you're going. And this is just the thing to help you focus on what really matters. The baby in your belly.
Geoff: Erica, look, the new baby carrier finally arrived. Let's strap you in.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep. My mom and Geoff had not gotten the hint. Their obsession with the baby was worse than ever.
Beverly: Oh, you're a baby taxi.
Adult Adam: But one thing was perfectly clear to Erica.
Erica: I'm a bucket.

Barry: So, you'd say getting ice is the man of the house's job?
Beverly: I'm saying it's anybody who-will-get-it's job.
Adam: Not anyone. Man of the house. And that's me.
Barry: Not if I do it first!
Adam: Oh! Come on! My glasses!
Beverly: Oh. They're such sweet boys.
Mr. Glascott: There's a good chance someone could get hurt, but on the plus side, cold beverages.

Adam: They keep the ice outside the store, ya moron. Face it, Bar, I'm the man of the house.
Barry: How?
Adam: When Dad needed ice, he'd bring me so I could run inside and pay for it.
Barry: He couldn't even do that one task.
Adam: And neither could you.
Barry: You know what? You're right.
Adam: It's not as much fun if you just give up.
Barry: What's the point? I saw you struggling and I thought I could step up and help, but you don't respect me. Why would you? I can't even get ice. Gah!

Beverly: Well, the good news is I talked Ms. Maria into honoring you with this.
Erica: A baby class diploma?
Geoff: Not that you deserve it.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, my sister had finally had enough.
Erica: You know what? You're right. I may not deserve this diploma, but I'm pretty sure that I deserve this one. I graduated from college yesterday.
Geoff: Ohhhh.
Beverly: [bleep]
Erica: But nobody remembered and no one cared, because clearly, all that matters is this baby, and I'm just a bucket.
Linda Schwartz: [stands up] It was my birthday yesterday! I am so sorry.

Geoff: Let me get that for you.
Erica: Thanks. I'm as big as a house.
Geoff: But the most beautiful house I've ever seen. Like the place where Batman lives. You know, not the cave part, but the upstairs with all the wood and the fireplace.
Erica: No, I got it. Nice house.
Geoff: Erica, I messed up. You deserve to be celebrated. You're the most kick-ass person I know. Graduating from Penn early... That's amazing. Just like you are. And I'm so, so proud of you.
Erica: Sure, well, it's pretty well established that I am the best.
Geoff: [chuckles] You really are. And as your husband and the father to whatever's going on in here, I need to do a better job at honoring the amazing woman you are. Starting with this.
Erica: What did you do?
Geoff: I made a call to Provost Dean. Put it on and come downstairs.

Beverly: There's my graduating Schmoopie.
Erica: Mom.
Beverly: Erica, I couldn't be more excited about your baby, but you were my baby first, and that will never change. We all love you so much.
Mr. Glascott: Even me. But I do now question if I should even be talking in this moment.
Essie Karp: We've all had some wine.
Virginia Kremp: You said this was non-alcoholic.
Essie Karp: You'll be fine.

Beverly: My baby graduated! She did it!
Geoff: That's my wife!
Dean Dean: And for your commencement speaker, um... David Hasselhoff? Really?
David Hasselhoff: Yeah. Really?
Adam: I mean, you're here.
Barry: And what you said upstairs was really moving.
David Hasselhoff: Fine. But I definitely no longer owe you one. [cheers and applause, camera shutter clicks] Friends, parents, graduate, while I'm not entirely sure why I'm here, there is one thing I do know. It's important to celebrate the big things and the small things, and frankly, everything in between, because none of us know what life is gonna bring, and while you're around the people that you love, you gotta celebrate it all.

Lou Schwartz: Have you seen your mother? She needs to put the drawstrings back in my sweatpants.
Geoff: I haven't seen her, but have you considered doing it yourself?
Lou Schwartz: Are you mad, son? These fingers are like sausages. They have no taper. How about you, Erica?
Erica: How about me, what?
Geoff: Dad, why don't you just put on some jeans?
Lou Schwartz: Oh, is that your generation's solution to everything? Denim? I want to watch TV in relaxed pants. I need your mother.
Erica: I might actually know where she is.
Linda Schwartz: [on local TV] Motion passes.
Lou Schwartz: What am I looking at right now?
Erica: Just your wife getting a speed bump put in over on Cedar Street.
Lou Schwartz: Linda?!