Adam: Keep it coming, guys. There are no bad ideas.
Barry: I know. Why don't we go to the park, right? And use candy to lure children into Matt Bradley's van so we can practice uncle-ing on them?
Adam: When I said "no bad ideas," clearly I was off by one.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And just like that, the person we had all been waiting for finally arrived.
Geoff: It's a girl.
Adult Adam: That day, the world welcomed a new Goldberg.
Erica: Everyone, meet Muriel Allison Goldberg Schwartz.
Beverly: Muriel, after Murray.
Adam: Is Allison for Albert?
Erica: You know it.
Barry: Pops would be so proud.
Adult Adam: Yeah, in a year filled with too many goodbyes, this was a hello that brought us all together, even those of us no longer here. 'Cause nothing fills you with hope more than a brand-new baby.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, audiences loved the John Candy movie Uncle Buck, about a ne'er-do-well uncle called upon to watch his brother's kids. But nobody loved it more than me and my brother Barry.
Adam: He washed clothes in the microwave and dried them on the ceiling fan! He's a menace, and you root for him!
Barry: His garbage car is spewing smoke on the school carpool! The children are coughing! They're in harm's way!

Erica: Turn that crap off. My pregnant brain hates that blathering idiot.
Geoff: She'd be much obliged if you'd kindly watch your film elsewhere. I'm her awfulness-to-politeness translator. It's been a full-time job lately.
Erica: Mom!
Beverly: What do you need, Schmoopy-Doo? Let mama bird cater to her life-giving baby bird's every need.
Geoff: I'm here, too. You know, for when my wife needs catering.
Beverly: How ya feeling, Pumpkin? Ready to pop that baby into my waiting arms?
Geoff: That sounds nothing like our four-page birth plan.

Erica: Right now all I want is for someone to turn off this dumbness.
Adam: How dare you ask us to turn off John Candy's number-one comedy film in the subcategory "Babysitting"!
Beverly: Oh, I love him in that one movie with the guy. You know, um, eh, the one with the face... Uh, Adam knows what I like.
Adam: [sighs] Stripes.
Beverly: That's the one! Oh, he is comedically unhealthy and shouldn't defend this country.

Barry: He's not just hilarious. He's also teaching us how to be uncles.
Erica: The only thing that clumsy oaf is teaching anyone is to never leave your kids alone for a minute. Why is he feeding beer to a dog?
Adam: 'Cause he's recklessly hilarious!
Barry: No one is safe from his antics.
Erica: Do you dopes really think this is an okay way for uncles to behave?
Adam: With all my heart.
Barry: I'd stake your unborn child on it.
Erica: Okay, well, that seals it. You two will never be allowed anywhere near our baby.
Adam: Whoa!
Barry: Whoa, indeed! How do you expect us to "Uncle Buck" a baby from afar?
Erica: I don't want my baby to be "Uncle Bucked."

Beverly: Get your sweats, your comfy shoes, take this framed photo of me for bedside inspiration. Go! Go! Go! Go!
Erica: Wait. How did you know my water broke?
Beverly: Uh, I heard it from my bedroom. It was like a rolling, gushing sound like, uh like the waves on the North Shore of Hawaii.
Geoff: Okay, I'll never know the mysteries of the female body, but wouldn't Erica be aware of her water breaking?
Beverly: Enough chit-chat! We're wasting valuable seconds, people!
Erica: Is this another one of your stupid drills?
Beverly: Fine. It is a drill, and you both failed miserably. Had this been the real thing, we wouldn't have even made it to the hospital. I'd be yanking a baby out of my daughter on the front lawn of the Kremps' house.
Geoff: What a haunting suburban tableau.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Erica desperately wanted to dodge my mom, Barry and I went straight to his friends for some uncle-ing advice.
Barry: JTP but not lame Adam.
All: JTP but not lame Adam.
Adam: Hard to not feel deeply wounded, but nice to see you, fellas.

Adam: Well, you're here now, so let's start with, "What is an uncle?"
Naked Rob: The husband of an aunt.
Andy: Mother's brother.
Matt: A cousin's male parent.
Naked Rob: Your half-sister's stepdad.
Andy: A father's brother.
Matt: Your dad's friend who doesn't have his own kids.
Adam: And famous uncles?
Matt: Uncle Vanya, the titular character from the Chekhov play.
Barry: Only word I heard is "titular." [chuckles] Next.
Andy: Scrooge McDuck. Hah! All that money, and he couldn't fine peace.
Barry: A personal hero. But I hate feathers. Next!
Naked Rob: Uncle! Like when you tap out and stop trying to think of famous uncles.

Barry: Wow! All truly terrible examples. You're no longer leading this crucial meeting, Adam.
Adam: I wasn't sure why we were here until now, so that's fine.
Barry: JTP, tell us how to become good uncles.
Matt: My Uncle Phil calls me cool nicknames like "Sport," "Champ," and "Superstar." It's possible he doesn't know my name.