Ashley: Maybe Daddy's password is some kind of food.
Carlton: Look, I tried every dish in Geoffrey's cookbook, nothing works.
Hilary: Unbelievable. What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?
Carlton: See, it's that kind of question that knocks you out of the running... for Dad's favorite. Just keep a lookout.

Carlton: Hey, G, would you make me a sandwich?
Geoffrey: But, of course. [puts a slice of bread on Carlton's head] Now you're a sandwich.
Will: You can take it off your head. Uh, G, something wrong?
Geoffrey: You swindled me. I was planning to use that money on lottery tickets. The jackpot's up to $26,000,000.
Carlton: Wow! Could you imagine what life would be like with all that money? Buying whatever you want, driving fancy cars, dining in fancy restaurants. Wait a second, that is what life is like.

Carlton: Will, what are you doing in that tux?
Will: I'm going to the... um, the thing. Hey, man, I can say it to you. I'm going to the wedding, man.
Carlton: Great. Then you'll get to see my surprise. Since Aunt Janice is of the Negroid persuasion and Frank is of the Caucasoid persuasion, I've compiled a special medley of songs. Give a listen. [sings] Ebony and Ivory Live together in perfect harmony Because the world is black The world is white It turns by day And then by night Since she's got jungle fever He's got jungle fever They've got jungle fever We're in love. [talks] So what do you think?
Will: I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

Carlton: My life is over. I'll be expelled. They'll send me away. I'll have to get a Jheri curl and a tattoo. I'll be subjected to over-crowding, bad food and daily threats of personal violence.
Will: Carlton, I don't think they'll send you to prison for cheating on a test.
Carlton: I'm not talking about prison. I'm talking about public school.

Geoffrey: I must say Mr. Jazz's sister is quite a charmer.
Philip: Yes, she is. Makes me question the whole theory of genetics.

Will: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Raphael de la Ghetto.
[Geoffrey walks down the stairs wearing a dashiki, a giant afro and a pair of glasses with the sun-lenses popped out]
Geoffrey: "Listen To the street beat Hear the sound pound Plug your ears Mask your fears Something weird's going down So listen to the street beat Listen to the box shock Listen, or I'll kill you" [applause]
Ned: That was heavy, man. Let's have another one. Encore. [all] Encore.
Geoffrey: "Cannon to the right of them Cannon to the left of them Cannon in front of them Volleyed and thundered"
Toni: Hilary, isn't that your butler?
Hilary: Yeah. Wow, it's a good look for him.
Geoffrey: "Came through the jaws of Death" [chatter] Silence, you ungrateful children. When you're ready to be quiet and listen, I shall return.

Sergeant: Sit down!
Philip: Hey! You don't talk to my wife like that.
Sergeant: Now, wait a minute, buddy. Who the hell do you think you're talking-
Philip: Who the hell do you think you're talking to?
Henry: What's going on?
Sergeant: May I help you, sir?
Henry: I'm Henry Furth.
Sergeant: Good news. Your car is safe and sound. And we've got the perpetrators.
Henry: Those aren't the perpetrators. Those are my partner's son and nephew.
Sergeant: Partner?
Philip: Legal partner. I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from them did they have a lawyer present? No. Because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No. Because we're their parents. So, Officer, don't tell us to wait. And don't tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys out or I'll tie this place up with so much litigation that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!

Philip: Hey, Will. How's your apartment? Is everything set up?
Will: Oh, yeah, yeah. It's cool, Uncle Phil. Thanks. All set.
Ashley: I haven't seen it. Has anyone?
Will: Oh, well, from... When I took the, um...
Carlton: Yeah, yeah. I have.
Hilary: Oh, what does it look like?
Carlton: Well, it's wall-to-wall doors and floor-to-ceiling floors. It's neat. It makes this place look tiny.

Will: Can we get back to moi, please? I got a part on that soap opera, Now and Forever.
Philip: Oh, please. They hired you, somebody who's never acted in his life, to star in a network TV show. Pppt.
Will: Well, it happens.

Will: Hey, man, it's good to see you, man.
Jazz: By the way, who's playing the mother this year?
Nicky: It's the same mom.
Jazz: Who are you?
Will: Oh, come on, Jazz, that's baby Nicky.
Jazz: Man, I'm going back on the street where things make sense.