Aunt Helen: I'm still half asleep, so don't nobody talk to me.
Janice: Did the baby wake you up?
Aunt Helen: Eleanor and Lou woke me up. I swear that man's part jackhammer.
Vy: Oh, Lord, they didn't even eat this much at the Last Supper.
Aunt Helen: Well, I guess you old enough to remember.
Vy: Yeah, but I'm still young enough to kick your butt.

Philip: Vivian, why are you making such a big deal about this? I say we do it right here, right now.
Geoffrey: Oh, good, a floor show.
Philip: Geoffrey, this envelope contains Mrs. Banks' sonogram. It's gonna tell us whether or not the baby is a boy or a girl.
Ashley: How can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?
Hilary: Oh, Ashley, you are so naive. If it's a boy, it's blue. Come on, I think it's time for another woman-to-woman talk.
Ashley: Okay, what do you want to know this time?
Will: Hilary's not planning on having kids, is she?

Hilary: Well, I think heaven is this wonderful place where all the people are good-looking, nothing clashes, and you never have to wait for a table. And hell is like the Valley.
Ashley: What do you think, Daddy?
Philip: I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job.
Hilary: Thanks, Daddy.

Philip: Will, we're going to have to turn that money over to the authorities. If nobody claims it, then you can keep it, but until then, I think I should look after it.
Will: Whoa, no! I'm all right, Uncle Phil. You know, I'll just find a safe place to keep it, you know, just for the night. Goodnight, Abe. Goodnight, Alexander. And I can't forget you, Ben. Oh, man, I'm sleeping with the presidents. Must be what Marilyn Monroe felt like.

Jazz: What's up, Will? Man, what's with all the reporters? I ain't seen no chalk outlines or nothing.
Will: That's 'cause I didn't murder you yet.
Jazz: What's got your BVDs in a bunch?
Will: Well, for starters, you ruined the most important day in my uncle's life.
Jazz: Haagen-Dazs opened in Bel-Air?

Will: Hey, Judge.
Philip: Now, Will, please. I haven't even announced that I'm running.
Jazz: I don't think you'd have to announce it, Mr. Banks. If you ran, we'd hear you coming.
Philip: I'm running for Superior Court Judge.
Jazz: He still could use the exercise.

Philip: Here's Judge Robertson at that big student anti-war rally, remember? He was the only professor that had guts enough to go up against the administration.
Hilary: I can't believe it.
Philip: Trust me, Hilary. He was a great man and a hell of a lawyer.
Hilary: No, I mean, that those women didn't shave under their arms.

Geoffrey: Your cheesecake, sir.
Philip: Thank you, Geoffrey. Geoffrey, would you get Carlton, please?
Geoffrey: Certainly, sir.
Philip: Thank you.
Geoffrey: Run, Geoffrey. Fetch, Geoffrey. Perhaps you'd like me to catch a Frisbee in my teeth?

Will: You know, it's like the Rodney King videotape, you know? I just keep seeing it over, and over, and over again. And I ask myself, where did I fail him, you know? Where did we go wrong? [Philip & Vivian slap Will on the head]

Rapper: [on TV] I'm for the rec center because that's where I do most of my rec centering. And when I'm not down with R-E-C, I'm down with R-A-P. When I got home late from the grocery store Mama said, "Lock him out!" Now I know why Pops had to go 'Cause Mama is way whacked out! Mama is way whacked out!
Trevor: [on TV] Good luck, homey.
Will: I don't believe that mess. You know, it's the same thing every time they interview a Black person on TV. They either singing or dancing. And they got curlers in their head or out of activator.