Eric: Oh, man, I can't believe Donna is serious about this celibacy thing. Fez, how do you cope with not getting any?
Fez: I think you know how I cope. When you don't see me, I'm coping.

Kelso: Okay, fine. I was at the Academy when the auditorium burnt down, but it totally wasn't my fault. See, I got there early to practice with my flare gun 'cause I wanted to show Brooke an actual B for a change.
Fez: Okay, so far, 0% your fault.
Kelso: All right, so I accidentally shot off a flare, and it went all... Like, right underneath the bleachers.
Hyde: Well, we've just jumped up to about 60% your fault.
Kelso: Okay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare 'cause you know what they say. You've got to fight fire with fire.
Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99% your fault.
Kelso: So then I shot off another flare to warn people about the fire. But that one just went right up and on the roof, and that's when I just got the hell out of there.

Bob: How you doing, kid?
Donna: Fine. I don't know. Scared.
Bob: Just know that whether you're pregnant or not, you're still my little girl. I support you.
Donna: Thanks, Dad.
Bob: But if you are pregnant, don't let Red touch the baby. He thinks he's tickling, but he just pokes. Trust me, I know from experience.
Donna: Well, Dad, maybe Red wasn't trying to tickle you. Maybe he was trying to poke you.
Bob: Why would Red poke me?
Donna: Why would he tickle you?

Fez: No, I cannot be in the same room with him. You and I are through. Now good day.
Kelso: But, Fez... [Fez is silent]
Jackie: Fez? He said, "But, Fez."
Fez: Oh, I heard him.
Donna: Well, now you're supposed to say... "I said good day."
Kelso: Yeah, and then we all know that you're really mad, but eventually, you'll get over it.
Fez: Oh, you'd like that. "Dance, monkey, dance." Well, Kelso, this monkey don't dance no more.
Donna: But, Fez...
Fez: I said good day! [groans]

Red: America!
Fez: Amedica!
Red: Look, there is no damn "D" in America. Say my son's name.
Fez: [American accent] Eric.
Red: Great. Now, America.
Fez: Amedica.
Red: Just forget it. Just say, United States.
Fez: United States... of Amedica.

Red: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jackbooted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red: I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards", and that's good enough for me.

Fez: Okay, what if they ask me about current events? Tell me about Vietnam.
Donna: Okay, so Vietnam was an illegal war, which we lost.
Red: What the hell are you teaching him? You come with me. I'll teach you the real American history. First of all, we didn't lose the war. It was a tie. Besides, they're grateful. They have McDonald's now.

Red: Okay, get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Eric: Under there? But it's all spidery.
Red: Get under there or you're gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass.

Kitty: Okay, Red, just because he sat in your chair is no reason to get the boy deported.
Fez: You don't like me because I'm not from here.
Red: This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. It's about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner.

Kitty: Why would you throw away the list of all the food the doctor said we couldn't have in the house?
Red: Kitty, did you look at that list? If I had known what I was coming home to after my heart attack, I would've walked straight into that bright light and never looked back.
Kitty: Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. I'll do it with you. 'Cause what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Eric: Actually, Mom, Dad's the gander. The male goose. So it would be "what's good for the gander is good for the goose." So, let's take a gander at what you're giving up with the gander. [chuckles] That's how you do that.
Okay. "Potato chips, other salty snacks."
Kitty: Good advice. That doctor obviously knows what he's talking about.
Eric: "Butter, heavy cream, cheese."
Kitty: Gone, makes a lot of sense.
Eric: "Alcoholic beverages."
Kitty: Okay, that doctor's a quack.