Kelso: Okay, fine. I was at the Academy when the auditorium burnt down, but it totally wasn't my fault. See, I got there early to practice with my flare gun 'cause I wanted to show Brooke an actual B for a change.
Fez: Okay, so far, 0% your fault.
Kelso: All right, so I accidentally shot off a flare, and it went all... Like, right underneath the bleachers.
Hyde: Well, we've just jumped up to about 60% your fault.
Kelso: Okay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare 'cause you know what they say. You've got to fight fire with fire.
Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99% your fault.
Kelso: So then I shot off another flare to warn people about the fire. But that one just went right up and on the roof, and that's when I just got the hell out of there.

Fez: Oh, the cousin kiss. The sexiest of all relative kisses. Right above big-breasted aunt and sleepy grandma.
Hyde: Did you just say, "sleepy grandma"? You telling me you kiss your grandma?
Fez: Not my grandma, a grandma. Sick bastard.

Kitty: What I don't understand is how you can lie to a pastor in church.
Donna: Well, Mrs. Forman, what about the time you lied to Pastor Dan? You told him your dog ate your bake sale cookies, but you didn't bake them 'cause you were too busy sipping Kahlua and watching that Paul Newman retrospective.
Kitty: I did not lie to Pastor Dan in church. I lied to him at the market, and at the market, he is just a regular man. Now, you two march back to church and tell him the truth. And for your information, Donna, Kahlua is barely a drink. It's like root beer.

[circle in Donna's room:]
Donna: I've got to say, I'm excited about marriage counseling. I'm looking forward to hearing from a third party that I'm right about everything. Oh, and I want my marriage to Eric to be magical.
Jackie: I know how you could do that. Marry someone besides Eric.
Hyde: Hey, I'll see you guys later. I got someplace I really need to be.
[circle in the basement:]
Hyde: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. Had someplace I really needed to be.
Eric: Okay, so get this. I don't want counseling, Donna does. So we're going. I'll tell you, ever since we got engaged, she's been treating me like some kind of child. Oh, where's my toy surprise?
[Kelso is holding a gun when the camera pans around to him]
Eric: [o.s.] Oh, Kelso, watch it with that gun, man.
Kelso: Oh, relax, Eric. It's not a gun, it's a flare gun. Yeah, tomorrow's Flare Day at the Academy, so we're learning how to use these. Besides, they're totally safe. All they do is shoot balls of fire.
Fez: Kelso, I don't think you should be playing with fire when we're all... Never mind.
Hyde: Man, I've got to stop hitting two circles in one day. I could swear I just saw a ball of fire shoot through this room. Zowie!

Pastor Dan: Okay, so what brings you to counseling?
Eric: A firm tug on the old ball and chain, if you know what I mean.
Donna: Um, what Eric is trying to say is we wanted to talk to someone about the pitfalls of marriage. And we have some little issues. For example, Eric sometimes likes to talk too much about Star Wars.
Pastor Dan: I understand.
Donna: You do? See, this is great.
Pastor Dan: Yeah, Star Wars is the greatest movie of all time. It's hard not to talk about Star Wars.
Eric: Wow! This is great!
Donna: Oh. Oh, no.
Eric: I can't believe you've seen Star Wars!
Pastor Dan: Well, I like to stay current with pop culture so that I can connect with the youth I counsel. Say, how about that disco?
Eric: Um, disco kind of blows.
Pastor Dan: Oh, I agree. Blow on, disco. Blow on.
Donna: Can we get back to me and Eric, please? Because sometimes I feel like we're racing toward this wedding, and we're not even enjoying it as much as we could be.
Pastor Dan: Hmm, I see. Like in Star Wars, when Luke, much like the two of you, wasn't the pilot of his own future. But he was a great pilot. He used to bull's-eye womp rats...
Pastor Dan & Eric: ...in his T-16 back home!
Eric: [chuckles] I should be marrying you.
Donna: I thought this was a counseling session, not a dork-off.

Hyde: Hey, Red, tell me the story about how Eric and Donna had to stand up in front of the whole church and pretend to be virgins.
Red: Once upon a time, two dumbasses went to church... and brought shame upon their entire family. And their father had to hear about it the whole damn car ride home!
Hyde: That is a great story. It's scary, but it's funny, too.

Pastor Dan: Okay, what did you want to tell me?
Donna: Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...
Eric: We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.
Donna: Eric!
Eric: Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't going in!
Pastor Dan: Eric, you're not going to hell. Well, you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.
Donna: Wow. I never thought about it that way.
Pastor Dan: Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.
Eric: Um... I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again... This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.
Pastor Dan: Exactly. And what is the Force in real life?
[Eric gasps and points to the heavens]

Donna: It's been, like, an hour and my dad is still upstairs talking to your folks. Our pregnancy scare must have really freaked them out.
Eric: Yeah, well, that's because "pregnancy" is one of the scariest words in the English language. Right after "monster" and "broccoli."
Donna: Well, I'm not pregnant. Everything's fine, so I'm sure our parents will calm down soon.
Red: Hey, fornicators, upstairs!
Eric: Oh, God, we're dead. You know what? None of this would have happened if you hadn't insisted on sleeping with me.
Donna: I insisted? You wouldn't give me my wallet back. Look, we're in this together. You were there, too.
Eric: Or was I?
Donna: The Jedi mind trick doesn't work in real life, dink.
Eric: Or does it?

Eric: Oh, hey, what's shaking, gang? [chuckles] Certainly not Donna's belly from being pregnant, right?
Kitty: You're not funny, you're a sinner. Now, sit. We have decided that you two need premarital counseling at church.
Eric: Premarital? Counseling? Church? Why am I talking like a Speak & Spell?

Donna: Dad, you think this is a good idea?
Bob: No. I suggested we get him fixed like a dog.
Kitty: Counseling can be extremely beneficial. I knew two boys who were about to marry their sweethearts. One boy went to counseling and one didn't. And the one who didn't go to counseling died.
Bob: I'll tell you, if Midge and I had counseling, it might have saved our marriage.
Red: Of course, not sleeping with degenerates from the pool hall would have helped, too.