Kitty: Okay, Red, just because he sat in your chair is no reason to get the boy deported.
Fez: You don't like me because I'm not from here.
Red: This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. It's about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner.

Red: All right, fine, I won't volunteer anything. But if he asks me a direct question, I'm not lying.
Kitty: Oh, you won't have to. I'll do all the talking for you.
Red: Well, you'll be good at that. And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.S. government.
Fez: Okay, that's it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark, but Tarzan... Tarzan is a white guy.
Red: Don't sass me, Tarzan.

Fez: [sings] Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream Soapy, soapy, scrubby, scrubby Fez is nice and clean.
Red: What the hell?! [opens shower curtain]
Fez: I don't know what you heard, but this show ain't free. [closes shower curtain]

Red: Out of my chair, Tonto.
Fez: Oh, come on. A chair is a chair. Branch out a little. Try the piano bench.
Red: What did you say?
Kitty: Laurie, go get a cup of milk.
Laurie: Why?
Kitty: It'll keep Fez's teeth alive until we get him to the dentist. [doorbell rings] [Eric opens door]
Agent Armstrong: Hi, sir. Hal Armstrong from the immigration service. I'm here to conduct some interviews.
Red: What do you want to know? 'Cause I'll tell you everything.
Fez: Is it too late to give you back your chair?
Red: Oh, no, don't get up. This could be the last time you sit on furniture that you didn't build out of mud and twigs.

Agent Armstrong: Okay, first question... What kind of toothpaste does Fez use?
[montage:]
Fez: Um, I brush my teeth with Colgate. It is the only thing that cuts through the Milk Duds.
Red: Who the hell cares about toothpaste? This kid and my daughter are...
Kitty: Happy, happy, happy! [laughs]
Eric: I... Wait, why am I under oath? 'Cause if I say Crest and the answer is minty Crest, I mean, that's like, uh, perjury. What's gonna happen to me? Oh, my god, why are you writing this down?

Jackie: Laverne is so annoying. Why does Shirley keep putting up with her crap?
Kelso: She has to. They're in love.
Donna: Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.
Kelso: Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out. Just like you two.
Hyde: Kelso, don't you have something more important to talk about right now?
Kelso: If you got a topic more important than girl-on-girl action, I'd like to hear it.

Hyde: How about the fact that Brooke's got your feeble-minded bun in her oven.
Kelso: Look, she can't be pregnant, okay? It just can't be true.
Jackie: Michael, this is not something girls lie about, okay? I would know. I'm an expert on girl lies.
Donna: Kelso, you're gonna have to do something about this.
Kelso: No, but doing something is not in my nature. "Ignore," "avoid," "run away"... These words have been very good to me.
Donna: You're horrible.
Jackie: What a pig.
Kelso: You know what? You girls don't even know what I'm going through here. You can have all the sex you want, you don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.

Kitty: Laurie, try these banana-walnut pancakes. I know you've always had a thing for nuts.
Hyde: Every man in town knows that.
Kitty: Why men? Oh, never mind.
Eric: [enters] You guys, an agent from immigration is coming to check on Fez and Laurie's marriage, and if he finds out it's fake, Fez could get deported.
Fez: But this marriage is based on love. Right, honey?
Laurie: Don't touch me.
Fez: Fine. I'll give you 20 bucks to pretend to be my wife.
Hyde: That's gotta sound familiar.
Kitty: Steven, if you keep doing that, it's gonna be really hard for me to pretend I don't know what you're talking about.
Hyde: Then I should go because it's just too easy... Like Laurie.

Kitty: When is this I.N.S. man gonna be here?
Fez: Sometime this week. It's a surprise visit. So I have to stay here.
Kitty: Stay here? With Red? Oh, no. I can't allow that.
Fez: Why not? Red loves me.
Kitty: Honey, you gave him a heart attack.
Eric: Maybe he just loves Fez so much that his heart exploded.
Fez: Please, miss Kitty, let me stay.
Eric: Mom, come on.
Kitty: Okay, you win.
Fez: Oh, thank you. [hugs Kitty] That was a sexy hug. You really put some boom-boom into it, huh?

Red: What is this doing here?
Kitty: Okay, Red, he just has to stay here for a few days.
Red: But Kitty, he was in my shower. He saw my legs.
Fez: And he saw Pepe.
Red: Shut up.
Eric: Listen, Dad, the I.N.S. is coming, and if they find out this marriage is fake, Fez could get deported.
Red: Well, that's Anwar's problem.
Fez: Oh, but I cannot go back home. I'm an American now. I'm lazy, fat, and soft. Like you.