Kitty: The Waltons. Now, there's a grateful family.
Red: Mmm.
Kitty: And, boy, did they love their mother.
Eric: Oh, great. I think I've got athlete's foot.
Kitty: I am- I- I am going to bed. [exits]
Red: Where'd your mother go?
Eric: To bed. Man, what's wrong with her anyway?
Red: Oh, who knows? She's been moody all day. Let me see the TV Guide. Ah. Let's see. What day is it? Ah, it's the 13th. You know, it seems to me I was supposed to do something on the 13th. [stands up] Oh, good Lord! You forgot your mother's birthday!
Eric: Oh, no. Dad, this is bad. This is very, very bad.
Red: All right. Don't start gettin' all twitchy. Now, we gotta think. Let's watch CHiPs and think.

Red: Wait, Kitty, there's more!
Kitty: A funnel.
Red: 'Cause I know how much you like to pour things.
Kitty: Well, um, either these gifts are really thoughtful or you bought a bunch of crap at the gas station!
Red: What?
Kitty: Oh, admit it, Red Forman. You forgot my birthday.
Eric: Quick, Dad, give her the lighter.
Red: Look, Kitty, I'm sorry. But it's just- Well, marking the calendar is your responsibility.
Eric: Oh. Dad, no.

Kelso: What the heck makes Jackie think I'm her girlfriend? All I did was pick out a few of her outfits, paint her nails and give her a facial.
Hyde: Gee, I don't know, Denise.

Fez: Um, guys, can we go inside? I'm freezing my choo-choos off.
Eric: No way. I'm not going in there. I forgot my mom's birthday.
Hyde: Really? 'Cause I remembered your mom's birthday.
Eric: If you remembered, why didn't you tell me?
Hyde: How would that be funny?

Kelso: Hey, girlfriends sometimes make out together, right?
Hyde: Yeah, usually right after long, sweaty pillow fights.
Eric: Yeah, man, it happens all the time.
Kelso: All right!

Donna: Hey, Mrs. Forman. Is Eric home?
Kitty: Eric? Oh, you mean my son, the map giver. I don't know, and I don't care.
Donna: Mrs. Forman, are you okay?
Kitty: Oh, I am just freaking fine!
Donna: What happened?
Kitty: Well, you know I love my family. Well, it's just sometimes I want to get in the car and run 'em all over.

Donna: No, Mrs. Forman, you have every right to be mad. In fact, you should be madder. You're, like, the best mom in the world.
Kitty: Yeah! Thank you, Donna. I just wish my own family would say that once in a while. [Donna eats a chocolate bar] Oh, sweetie, that's not your breakfast, is it?
Donna: Yeah.
Kitty: Oh. [chuckles] Why don't you just let me make you some nice waffles instead?
Donna: Oh, cool. I love frozen waffles.
Kitty: Oh, honey. No, no, no, no. I make my waffles from scratch.
Donna: Those bastards!

Jackie: Now, would you look at her boobs?
Kelso: I am. And it's- it's disgusting. I mean, what is she thinking, packing in those sweet melons like that? I can't even look away.
Jackie: You know, Michael, I have to say, I'm really enjoying our new friendship together. I love spending time with you.
Kelso: Me too. Do you wanna go to your house and have a nice, sweaty pillow fight?
Jackie: [gasps] Okay.

Fez: Hello, Caroline.
Caroline: Oh, hi, Fez.
Fez: So, hey, listen, just, uh... just curious, um... do you sometimes choke yourself?
Caroline: Yeah. But I only do it because I love you more than anything in the world.
Fez: Okay, I'm good with that. I'll get you a soda, lover. Don't forget to breathe while I'm gone.
Hyde: Hey, so how's it going with "Mental Mary"?
Fez: I owe you an apology, Hyde. She is crazy. But she's crazy for me.
Caroline: [gasps for breath]

Eric: Oh, my God. She didn't even look at us. [sighs] I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?
Red: Not since she stopped drinking.
Eric: What?
Red: Nothing. [clears throat] Look, obviously your mother's very upset about something. And desperate times call for desperate measures. For the last 10 years, she's been asking us to do something and every time we say no. Because what she wants is the most horrible thing in the world.
Eric: I won't do it.
Red: Oh, you will do it. And you will like it!