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The Trials of Michael Kelso

‘The Trials of Michael Kelso’

Season 3, Episode 18 -  Aired March 13, 2001

Jackie puts Kelso through a series of tests to see if she is ready to get back together with. Meanwhile, Eric, Hyde and Fez get revenge on a rival school, and Kitty is upset when Midge doesn't invite her to a party.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Donna and I were discussing our careers. I'm going into high-end cosmetics and Donna thinks she'll make a great lumberjack.
Donna: Stop telling everybody that.


Quote from Kelso

Jackie: So what kind of career do you see yourself in?
Kelso: Okay, well, I was considering becoming a doctor.
Jackie: Ooh. A doctor? That's so mature.
Kelso: Or a rodeo clown.
Jackie: Rodeo clown? You want to be a rodeo clown. Why?
Kelso: Rodeo clowns are the unsung heroes of the new West. And you know I've always enjoyed being inside of barrels.

Quote from Jackie

Donna: So if "x" equals seven, then "y" equals?
Jackie: Two?
Donna: Wrong. Kelso?
Kelso: Uh... "l"?
Donna: Also wrong. It's a pretty simple equation, guys. Just think about it for a second.
Kelso: You're so pretty. You don't even need to know math.
Jackie: That's so weird. I was just thinking the same thing.

Quote from Hyde

Eric: Okay, you guys, we gotta think about a way to get out of here.
Hyde: Okay, guys, I've just gone through every escape-from-prison movie - I could think of, and I came up with something.
Eric: What?
Hyde: Steve McQueen is a total bad-ass.

Quote from Fez

Fez: Why did I put a cherry bomb in the toilet? It doesn't smell like cherries at all.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Michael, I have some bad news. I just found out I have B.H.D.
Kelso: B.H.D.?
Jackie: Yeah. Brittle Hair Disease. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and get all my hair shaved off.
Kelso: So you'll be...
Jackie: Bald, Michael. B-A-L-D, no hair, shiny head, bald. And my hair won't ever grow back either. Will you still love me when I'm bald?
Kelso: You could wear a wig.
Jackie: So, Michael, are you saying that you would not love me if I didn't have a luscious, full-bodied head of hair?
Kelso: [sees Donna laughing] Oh! No, Jackie. I would love you even more. You know, I would shave off my hair and paste it to your head.
Jackie: Michael, that's beautiful. [exits]
Donna: Nice job.
Kelso: Thanks. That was a test, right? 'Cause bald chicks are gross.

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: They closed the blinds, so we couldn't see the party. But I can hear them. [shouts] I can hear you, Bob and Midge! I can hear your party!
[Midge and Bob open a few of the slats in their kitchen door]
Midge: Ooh. Kitty and Red. We've very busy in here.
Bob: Yes, we're very busy. We'll talk tomorrow.
Kitty: You're having a party, and you didn't invite us. And I thought we were friends, and we're not. And I'll tell you something else. [opens door] You're naked. You have no clothes on. Why don't you have any clothes on?
Bob: Well, we're having a nudist party with our fellow nudists. We're, uh, nudists.
Kitty: And we're not. [laughs] So, you didn't invite us. So, thank you. Come on, Red. Let's go.
Red: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Kitty. What are you saying? You really wanted to attend this party.
Kitty: Stop it, Red.
Red: No, no, no, no. Now get in there and have yourself a good old naked time, huh? Who knows? They might play Twister. Could be fun.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Jackie, do you remember how Kelso cheated and hurt you and lied to you?
Jackie: Listen to yourself, Donna. "Cheat-ed." "Hurt-ed." "Lie-duh." It's all ancient history. But when we look into each other's eyes, I know we're both thinking about the same thing.
Donna: Your hair?
Jackie: No. That we're meant to be together. Look, I need to know that he's really changed. I need to test him somehow.
Donna: I agree.
Jackie: You do?
Donna: Absolutely. If you get back with Kelso, you better have him tested.

Quote from Fez

Eric: Okay, you guys, let's do this for Fez.
Fez: Finally my butt cheeks will be avenged.

Quote from Fez

Eric: Fez, what happened?
Fez: I was walking back from the pep rally, flush with school spirit, when- when- when some boys from Fort Anderson, they jumped me and they slapped me, and they beat me... And look at what they did to my pom-poms. [Eric laughs]
Hyde: Hey, that's not funny, man.
Fez: It's really not. They spray painted me on my ass. [Eric and Hyde laugh] I want revenge against those Fort Anderson Snapping Turtles.
Eric: Look, Fez, I'll tell you what. Let's go to the garage, and I'll get you some paint thinner.
Fez: Ay, no.
Eric: I'm sorry, Fez. It has to be done.
Kelso: Yeah, and the three of us have to watch.
Fez: Fine. But this time, no smoking.

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