Bob: Okay, Donna, your valentine's here! I thought we'd start with some hangman, then move into something that really gets the pulse racing, like Yahtzee.
Donna: All right, just so long as when you get Yahtzee you don't yell, "Poopsie!"
Bob: That's not a promise I can make.

Red: Hey, Kitty.
Kitty: Oh. Hi, Red. Sorry I didn't get around to making dinner, but I was too busy counting to 956.
Red: Well, it's gonna be worth it, 'cause I found your gift.
Kitty: Oh! Look at that. Pack of gum. Tire gauge.
Red: Actually, the gum was for me.
Kitty: Red!
Red: Kitty, you always said it's the thought that counts.
Kitty: Oh, I said that to Eric when he was five and he gave me that stupid macaroni frame.

Leo: Hey, I just had the best meal, man! Somebody left two whole steak dinners in there! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the monster truck show.

Christine St. George: Jackie, come in. Please. I just wanna thank you for yesterday. I feel we really bonded, as much as a star can bond with a commoner.
Jackie: Well, I'm really glad that we talked. You know, I got to see there's a real person in there. Someone with hopes and fears and emotions.
Christine St. George: Well, I'm only human. And you snuck a rare peek behind my iron curtain, didn't you?
Jackie: I know. You know, I really feel like I got to know you better.
Christine St. George: Yes, you did, and so you're fired.
Jackie: Wait, what?
Christine St. George: I cannot have an employee know so much about me. And since your TV career is finished, may I suggest bartending? You pour a mean Scotch, lady.
Jackie: No, no, no, this isn't fair. I worked my butt off for you.
Christine St. George: Thank you. Out you go. Go on. Go on.
Jackie: Okay, all right, you know what? Nobody here likes you. They only pretend to like you because you're famous.
Christine St. George: And I pretend to like them because they bring me lunch.
Jackie: Oh, God! You are a crazy, bitter lady with a hole where your heart should be!
Christine St. George: Now, is that supposed to hurt me? I have a mug that says that. [puts feet on the desk]
Jackie: Those shoes are so last season!
Christine St. George: Rot in hell, you worthless maggot!

Kitty: Well, what do you get a stripper anyway? Ooh. How about a robe and a father who gave a damn?
Hyde: Mrs. Forman, life's a trade-off. If her father gave a damn, I wouldn't have this smile on my face.

Donna: Hey, record guy. Mr. Record. Mr. Record Breaker. Captain Record of the USS Phonograph.
Randy: Donna, Hyde's already given me a nickname. It's Mrs. Lady Lovely Locks.
Donna: Okay, Mrs. Locks, um, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to, I don't know, like do something with me tonight, for good old VD. Valentine's Day! Not VD. I am clean as a whistle.

Fez: I see where you're going with this, Jackie, and don't worry, if it will save your job, I will pretend to be your boyfriend. We should probably practice.
Jackie: Oh, get off me!
Fez: I was trying to help.
Jackie: You were trying to cop a feel!
Fez: You didn't let me finish. I was trying to help myself to a handful of your boob.

Christine St. George: See how they look at each other! It's just the way Sonny used to look at me while Cher was in make-up. So, tell us how you two met.
Jackie: Well, um...
Fez: I'll take this one, baby. It was the third grade. Jackie came to school with pink eye. All the kids teased her, so I rubbed her eye and infected myself, so she wouldn't be alone. I guess you can say it was love at first sight! Pink sight, that is. [both laugh]
Christine St. George: Well, I'm sure my viewers are dying to know the secret of your happiness.
Fez: It's very simple. We make out every chance we get. Kiss me, baby!
Jackie: No. No, no, baby, baby, I have a cold sore.
Fez: Well, baby, that wouldn't be the first time I got a disease from you, baby.
Jackie: No, no, baby, I just... I ate some garlic bread.
Fez: Oh, baby, that's perfect! I just ate spaghetti, baby!
Jackie: Oh, baby!
Fez: Baby?
Jackie: Baby!
Fez: Baby!
Jackie: Baby?
Fez: Baby!
Christine St. George: Oh, come on, Jackie. Give your man a Valentine's Day kiss! [Fez and Jackie kiss] Whoo, Call the fire department! You can't fake passion like that. We'll be right back. [music plays] Wow! Well, that was terrific. Jackie, thank you. You outdid yourself, darling. And Fez, as usual, I didn't understand a word you said.
Jackie: Fez. We did it! Oh, you totally saved my job.
Fez: Yes, and you totally were not kidding when you said you ate garlic bread.

Randy: Donna, will you go out with me on a big Valentine's Day date?
Donna: What about the other girl?
Randy: There is no other girl. I just think you're hot and I want to go out with you.
Bob: Oh! I'm her father and I'm standing right here!
Randy: Here, Mr. Pinciotti. Pizza's on me.
Bob: Have her home by sunrise.

Red: You! What did you do?
Hyde: I'm sorry, Red. I was down there picking out a gift for Sam, and she caught me and assumed everything was for her. And she started kissing me everywhere, and I just handed everything over to her. That's her power, man.
Red: Good God, Steven, the whole stash?
Hyde: Look, I know I owe you an apology, but can it wait? 'Cause Sam just sent me up here to grab some whipped cream, so... Sorry.