Kitty: Okay, what were you two talking about?
Red: Well, Kitty, I had a stash of gifts down there for every occasion. That way, if I forgot to buy you something, I'd still be covered.
Kitty: You buy my gifts in bulk?
Red: No, it's more of a vast inventory of love.
Kitty: Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of my foot in your ass! Yeah! I can do that too!

Hyde: Hey, Red, I got a question for you. My wife says she doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day. So I'm off the hook, right?
Red: Let me tell you a little story. There was a woman, a newlywed. And she told her husband, "Rather than waste money on gifts, save for retirement." And so he never bought her a gift. Not for Christmas, birthdays, never. And 50 years later, she thanked him. And you know who that woman was?
Hyde: No.
Red: That woman was the invisible dancing fairy of Dumbass Land. All women want gifts.

Kitty: Oh, there's my valentine.
Red: Oh.
Kitty: See, now, the card is a heart. Actually, it's your heart, and it's saying, "Hi, Red, remember when I attacked you?" [chuckles] It's a reminder to cut back on fatty, fried foods.

Red: Ever since I forgot Kitty's birthday that one year, I keep a stash of gifts down here. That way, even if I forget, I remember. Go ahead, I'll spot you one.
Hyde: Oh, hey, these wool mittens will be perfect for Sam. If only they were black, leather and a bra. So what are you giving Kitty?
Red: Ah, this needlepoint. She'll like it because it's fun, and I'll like it because it'll keep her occupied for gigantic chunks of time.

Christine St. George: Jackie, dear, thank you for booking that lovely couple on our Fools for Love piece.
Jackie: I know, that guy was so cute. You know, he said no matter where he went he always heard his wife's voice saying, "I love you."
Christine St. George: Ah! Well, apparently another voice in his head told him to push her off a Ferris wheel.
Jackie: Oh, my God! Oh, no, no, no, no, that's horrible!
Christine St. George: It's a tragedy! We don't have a couple for today's show. You've got three hours to find another one or you're fired! Oh, I'm just kidding. No, I'm not. [exits] [returns] Seriously, Jackie, just kidding about firing you.
Jackie: [answers phone] Christine St. George's office.
Christine St. George: [on the phone] I wasn't kidding.
Receptionist: Psst, Jackie. Come here.
Jackie: Oh, what do you want?
Receptionist: I wanted to say don't worry. It'll all work out between you and Christine.
Jackie: Oh. Well, thanks. [answers phone] Christine St. George's office.
Receptionist: [on the phone] You're gonna get fired! You're gonna get fired! [laughs]

Jackie: Ugh, Fez. I have to find a happy couple for Christine to interview today or I'm fired.
Fez: What about Red and Miss Kitty?
Jackie: Ugh. I might as well just book that painting of the old lady and the geezer with the pitchfork!

Fez: But I would like to help.
Jackie: No, Fez, if Christine finds out we're faking it, I'm fired.
Fez: I can sell it, baby. Besides, interracial couples are sexy. Because it's illegal.
Jackie: Fez, it's not illegal for people of two different races to date.
Fez: It's not?
Jackie: Uh-uh.
Fez: Freaking Hyde!

Randy: Hey, Leo, what's your idea of a romantic date?
Leo: November 13th. But this year it's ruined, man. I gotta go to the dentist.

Christine St. George: Well, I hope you two lovebirds are ready to tell us all about your relationship.
Fez: We sure are. We've been dating so long, we finish each other's...
Jackie: Sentences.
Fez: Well, I was going to say sandwiches, but whatever.
Christine St. George: Okay, here we go. [music plays] What's Up Wisconsin? It's time for our annual Fools for Love segment, and with me today is my assistant, Jackie Burkhart, and her boyfriend, Fez... How do you pronounce your last name?
Fez: Oh, the first five K's are silent.

Jackie: Miss St. George, are you okay?
Christine St. George: Yes, this happens to me every Valentine's Day. I see a couple in love and it reminds me that I am missing the one thing that every woman needs to feel good about herself.
Jackie: A friend that's fatter then you?
Christine St. George: Love! I sacrificed love for my career and sometimes I think I maybe did the wrong thing. Have a drink with me.
Jackie: Really?
Christine St. George: Tell me all about yourself. Who you are, what makes you tick.
Jackie: Well, um...
Christine St. George: No! Let's go back to me. I was born in a small hamlet just outside a little place I like to call New York.
[later:]
Christine St. George: And so I returned safely to base camp, that half-frozen Sherpa on my back. There's a famous Tibetan folksong about it.
Jackie: Wow. You're incredible.
Christine St. George: So are you. Here's to you, dear.
Jackie: No, to you, Miss St. George.
Christine St. George: Well, that's what I meant. Why on God's green earth would I drink to you? You're cut off.