Fez: You know what you should do? Bring back swing music. [silence] Hey, sue me. I like a song I can throw a lady around to.

Jackie: Steven, I love your closet! Where's your office?
Hyde: Did you follow me here?
Jackie: And you never even saw me. See, the trick is, is to stay two cars behind and one to the left. [gasps] Oh, here, I brought you a very special lunch, and it's wrapped in a suit and tie! Wear it.
William Barnett: A suit? See, she has the right idea.
Jackie: Well, I told him to dress nicer. But he's poor, and that's your fault.

Fez: What exactly are they doing?
Kelso: I'm not sure. I think it's like a karate that kills you with jiggle.
Midge: And that's how you do tai chi. Are you boys ready to try?
Kelso: No, I think we need to watch you two do it a little bit more.
Donna: They're not trying to learn, Mom. Otherwise, they wouldn't have brought lawn chairs and Fudgsicles. Kelso, I thought you were gonna start respecting women now that you have a daughter.
Kelso: I am, but you two are grandfathered in.

Kelso: Okay. Donna was right. I do need to start respecting women. So I decided to donate my entire Playboy collection to the needy. Here you go, Fez.
Jackie: You're giving Fez a box full of nudie magazines? It's like giving a monkey a loaded gun.
Fez: No, it's not. A monkey with a loaded gun can hurt a lot of people. I can only hurt myself.
Kelso: But a monkey with a loaded gun would be an awesome TV show. Everybody would be like, "Oh, don't worry. It's just a monkey." And then, bam!

Kelso: Hey, have you guys seen Fez? He was supposed to meet me at The Hub, like, an hour ago.
Eric: Where's the last place you saw him?
Kelso: Uh, down in the basement with a box full of Playboys.
Jackie: Oh, my God.
Eric: I'll get the first-aid kit.

Eric: We're too late. He suffered a massive horny attack.
Hyde: We're gonna need some Gatorade and a couple of ice packs.
Fez: Back off! They're mine! They're all mine!
Kelso: Fez, we're here to help you. All right, you need to stop, 'cause people gotta sit on this couch.
Jackie: Okay, I say we put him and the couch out on the curb.
Eric: No. Look, Fez. [Fez whimpers] There's a reason that these magazines only come once a month. You have to pace yourself. Do something else besides look at pornography.
Fez: What kind of a life is that? [picks up box] By the way, any plans you had with me, they're now off. Until further notice. [exits]

Hyde: I don't know if I can hack it, working in an office. My tolerance for following directions is really low.
Eric: Which is ironic, because your tolerance for other things is really high.
Red: Steven, everybody goes through the same thing. But the misery that you feel now will eventually be broken up by stretches of time where you will feel that you're happy. Of course, you're not happy. You're just too numb from your hellish life to feel the pain.
Kitty: How was your day, Red?
Red: Pretty good, actually.

Donna: Fez, are you okay? I haven't seen you look this awful since you found out Candy Land's not a real country.
Fez: It's the bunnies, man. I haven't slept in a week.
Kelso: It's only been one day.
Jackie: Fez, why would you do this to yourself?
Hyde: 'Cause he can't get anybody else to do it for him.
Fez: I don't have the willpower to keep these magazines, Kelso. I'm just a boy.
Eric: Well, I'd take them off your hands, but... I don't wanna actually touch your hands.
Kelso: Okay, buddy. I think you're better off. Just hand the magazines over to me. All right. Fez, you're not letting go.
Fez: [chuckles] Oh, sorry.
Kelso: You're still holding on.
Fez: Look, a robot! [runs away as Kelso turns around]
Eric: Man, you fall for that every time.
Kelso: Yeah? Well, one day, there's gonna be a robot. And all you suckers are gonna miss it.

[circle:]
Hyde: Loving my job now, man. Being the boss' son means never having to say, "You'll have it by the end of the day."
Kelso: Guys, Fez is really overdoing it with the Playboys. And this isn't like the time he ate a case of Mars bars, either. They can't pump your stomach for porn.
Eric: I'm not so much worried about Fez as I am Schotzie. He goes on the attack every time he sees that Buddha statue. And, weirdly, Bob.
[The camera pans to Schotzie, who has a band-aid on his head, as he barks]

Fez: You guys, yesterday at the salon, I gave a shampoo to Tina Simpson, and you know what? She has a lumpy head.
Kelso: Oh, gross. I made out with her in the 10th grade. If I had known she had a lumpy head, I would have felt around up there. I mean it's gross, but you wanna feel it, right?