Eric: My head hurts.
Red: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Red: Now, about last night...
Eric: You know what, Dad? Uh, before you get started, I know what you're gonna say.
Red: Oh, really? What do you know?
Eric: Um, that I was irresponsible and stupid. And I have it on good authority that I may have called you something.
Red: Like, um, "big, bald party pooper?"
Eric: For instance. But the point is, Dad, I'm really ashamed and sorry and afraid.
Red: Hmm. Okay. Well, that covers it. Okay. Good talk.
Eric: That's it? I get off scot-free? I mean, I learned a valuable lesson?
Red: Look, son, you're grown up now. You know what you did wrong. And I am too tired to keep thinking up new and exciting ways to punish you. So... Merry Christmas.
Eric: Are you kidding me? I don't get in trouble, and you're giving me a Christmas present? Oh, boy, this is the best Christmas ever! [sniffs] Actually, you know, this really smells.
Red: Yeah, those are my shoes from last night. Clean 'em, buff'em and shine 'em. Ho, ho, ho. Dumbass!

Jackie: Donna, be nice to me. I'm lonely. I mean, okay, if there were mistletoe over me right now who would kiss me? No one. That's who.
Donna: Being alone isn't that bad. It's a great opportunity to get to know yourself and be comfortable with who you are.
Jackie: Donna, I already love myself. I just wanna French someone.