Jackie: Fez? You came back.
Fez: Jackie, I need to tell you something, something about you and me.
Jackie: Really?
Fez: Yes. This whole time, I was off making out with that girl, and all of a sudden it felt wrong.
Jackie: It did?
Fez: Yes. I shouldn't have been with her. I should have been with you.
Jackie: Oh, my God. Fez, I've wanted to hear that for so long. I feel the same way.
Fez: And I realized something, and I want everyone to know it! Jackie Burkhart and I are in love... with disco!
Jackie: Wait. What?
Fez: Yeah, and I will not stand by and let you set fire to these musical booty-shaking masterpieces.
[As Fez gestures with his arms, he knocks over a lantern and sets the bonfire ablaze]
Fez: That's unfortunate.

Jackie: I'm really sorry this happened, but you're actually lucky that she's gone.
Fez: Jackie, what was that kiss all about?
Jackie: Okay, Fez, it's something that I've wanted to do for a really long time. And I was wondering, you know, hoping that maybe you and I could be together.
Fez: You want to be with me?
Jackie: Yeah. I mean, Fez, my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.
Fez: Oh. So you want me because you're lonely? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort?
Jackie: No. Fez, you're wrong. It's not...
Fez: You know what, Jackie? Forget it. You've already been with Kelso and Hyde. I don't want to be your sloppy thirds.
Jackie: Okay. [exits]

Fez: No, she told me she wanted to be my girlfriend and I turned her down.
Hyde: What? Why?
Fez: Because she didn't mean it. She never wanted me before. And now that she's desperate, suddenly I'm the guy for her. But as soon as she's happy, she'll dump me. So I told her to get lost and now she's in tears.
Hyde: Well, what kind of crying is it? Is it like "My life is over" kind of crying or hysterical sobbing like the time Kelso sat on his nads?
Fez: No, it's bad. I tried everything to get her out. I yelled, "Fire!" I made monkey-noises and said, "Wow, that's a gigantic monkey." But no luck. She must be a complete wreck.

Hyde: So did you get Jackie back for flushing your toothbrush down the toilet?
Fez: No. Only four out of five dentists recommend brushing so I just go to the other guy.
Hyde: How about for microwaving your hand lotion?
Fez: No, the heat feels nice on my... hands.
Hyde: Well, what are you gonna do to her for ripping all the buttons off your shirt?
Fez: Thank her. I look fabulous!

Fez: Look, this whole thing will blow over once I talk to her about everything. Holy crap! My car! Jackie ruined my car!
Hyde: And you don't have insurance. [chuckles] Good one, Jackie.
Fez: And look what she wrote on the side. Fez, has a tiny... I do not! It's perfectly normal, based on all the other ones I've seen. I only look for comparison. If Jackie wants war, I'll give her war.
Hyde: Whatever you say, tiny.
Fez: If it's so small, why would I name it Big John?

Fez: I gotta get back at her. Oh, I know! I'll break her TV. Ah, but then I'll just miss Gilligan ["Jill-igan"].

Fez: Everyone, I'd like you to meet my best friend from back home, Andrew Davis.
Andrew Davis: [British accent] How do you do? It's so wonderful to be stateside.
Donna: So you're Fez's friend from wherever he's from?
Andrew Davis: Yes, and I know exactly who you are. You're a frigid, unpleasant woman who enjoys stomping on a man's heart for sport. You disgust me, Jackie.
Donna: Uh, I'm not Jackie, I'm Donna.
Andrew Davis: Oh, you are gorgeous.
Hyde: So, you guys are from the same place?
Fez: Of course not. He's from the west side of the island.

Fez: How can I turn down Jackie Burkhart? I don't even hang up on wrong numbers.
Andrew Davis: Look, since there's no chance of anything with her, why are you even sticking around here any more?
Fez: Well, where else would I go?
Andrew Davis: Home, old boy! Come home!
Fez: Home? Yeah, that's a good idea! I'll go back to Brazil... and then, I'll catch a flight home from there.

Jackie: Oh, Fez, I'm so glad you're still here.
Fez: Yes, I wanted to take one last look at the basement before I leave.
Jackie: Look, Fez, Andrew told me what you said. And now that I know, I can't let you leave.
Fez: I'm sorry, Jackie, it's too late. I'm leaving. And there's nothing anybody can say to get me to stay.
Jackie: I want to be your girlfriend.
Fez: I'll stay.
Jackie: You will?
Fez: Yes! But I don't want to be just some rebound for you. And I need to know that you're not going to leave me when something better comes along.
Jackie: Fez, there is no one better for me than you! I'm just sorry that it took me so long to figure that out.
Fez: You really mean that?
Jackie: Of course! Fez, I want to be with you. And I'm so happy that we can finally be together.
Fez: Wow! I've been waiting so long to hear those three words.

[Leo Sayer's "When I Need You" plays on the radio]
Jackie: I love this song.
Fez: Yes. It's perfect for our first real kiss. [Jackie giggles as Fez goes to kiss her] What? Stop it.
Jackie: You smiled first.
Fez: Well, I was thinking about Tootsie Rolls.
Jackie: Uh, Fez, we're forcing this. Our first kiss has to be romantic and spontaneous. And as a guy, it's your job to completely plan that out.
Fez: I hate being the guy. And not just because of this. The shoe selection is awful.