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That '70s Show: That '70s Finale

822. That '70s Finale

Aired May 18, 2006

It's New Year's Eve and everyone is ready to say goodbye to the '70s. Donna is keen to get away from Point Place before Eric returns home, while Kitty has second thoughts about moving to Florida. Meanwhile, Jackie and Fez are nervous about their first kiss.

Quote from Red

Kelso: Oh, Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red: Sure and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
Hyde: And that, my friends, is the last "foot-in-ass" of the decade. Cheers.
Kitty: Michael, it is so good to see you. The girls in the emergency room were just asking about you.
Kelso: You know, it's like I've been gone for so long, I almost forgot you're a hot mom.
Kitty: Oh! [giggles]
Red: You know what else is hot? My foot when it's in your ass.
Hyde: Look at that. He had one more in him.

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Quote from Kelso

Kelso: Oh, I'm so psyched, man, I got this, like, four-foot bottle rocket and I'm gonna, like, tie it to my arm and light it and just blast into the future!

Quote from Eric

[circle:]
Hyde: Guys, I think it's time we honor all the brain cells that survived the '70s. Despite our best efforts, some of those bastards pulled through. Tonight, they're going down.
Fez: Die, brain cells, die! And you're next, liver.
Hyde: Hey, did you guys hear about that car that runs on water? It's got a fiberglass air-cooled engine and it runs on water, man!
Kelso: It's like we never run out of things to talk about down here.
[Jackie and Donna stand behind Kelso]
Jackie: I knew you burnouts would be down here.
Donna: You guys, it's almost midnight. Mrs. Forman is pouring the champagne. [circle ends]
Eric: Hey, guys, last one up the stairs has to call Red a dumbass.
[As everyone runs up stairs, Hyde grabs Kelso and knocks him to the floor before running up the stairs]
Kelso: Oh, man.
All: [o.s.] Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
[The That '70s Show license plate shows with the validation sticker changed to 80]

Quote from Red

Red: Yeah, well, you're gonna need a place to live now that we're moving to Florida.
Kitty: Boy. It's gonna be strange selling the house.
Red: That's true. Plenty of warm memories.
[montage of Red's "foot in ass" rants]
Hyde: Did you ever actually do that with your foot?
Red: Once. On Iwo Jima. I can't talk about it.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: Hey, speaking of hot chicks, what's going on with you and that stripper wife of yours?
Hyde: Not good, man. She's gone. Apparently she's not the sweet, innocent little girl she pretends to be at the start of her act.
Kelso: That's bad news. I totally would've done it with her. [Hyde punches Kelso's arm] Man, Hyde, that was right on the bone. My arm's all tingly. Just like your wife would have been if I would have done it with her. [Hyde punches Kelso's arm again] Oh, I miss this.
[montage of Hyde hitting Kelso]
Kelso: Remember that time you shot me with a BB gun? I still have the BB stuck underneath my skin. I like to play with it sometimes when I get bored. Just like I would have done with your wife.
[Hyde pushes Kelso as he tries to jump over the couch]
Kelso: Awesome, my tooth is loose.

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: Well, I am just... I'm just so happy we're staying because I would miss you so. Like Fez, the way you and I have tea and make fun of male ice-skaters. And Jackie, you're such a doll. I don't even mind your backhanded compliments.
Jackie: Oh, Mrs. Forman, you're my favorite old lady.
Kitty: Oh, and you too, Leo. You always make my day when you wave and smile hello, even if you are urinating on my mailbox. Oh, and Bob. No matter what I cook, you can't pass it up. Kinda like you can't pass up a woman's rear end without yelling, "Whoo-hoo!"
Bob: Just being polite.
Kitty: And Steven. My second son. I adore you. But you know, now that we're staying, maybe you could shave your mustache because, honey, you look like a 40-year-old male prostitute. And Donna, sweetheart. No matter where you go, I will always love you like a daughter. I am so sorry things didn't work out with you and Eric.
Donna: I think I need some air.
Kitty: So, speaking of daughters, has anyone seen Laurie?

Quote from Eric

Eric: So, uh, sounds like there's a party going on in there.
Donna: Yeah, there is. Your mom's like really drunk.
Eric: No, really? Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready for all that. I wish there was just some way to take the edge off.
[circle:]
Eric: Edge, you are officially off.
Fez: Eric, I have the most incredible news. I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart.
Hyde: Yeah, Fez, I have some incredible news, too. So has everyone else.
Kelso: I think it makes total sense that Fez ended up with Jackie. She started out with me, the Ferrari. And then she went to Hyde, the Mustang, and now she's with Fez. Who's like a donkey pulling a cart full of brightly-colored Mexican blankets.
Eric: Oh, hey, Kelso, I almost forgot. I got you something from Africa for your daughter. Check it out. A genuine plastic rhino-horn.
Kelso: This is awesome. Look, guys, I'm a rhino! [barks]

Quote from Eric

Eric: Happy New Year.
Donna: Eric.
Eric: I'm sorry I'm late. I caught the last flight out. So... Awkward. [both chuckle] So how are you?
Donna: I'm good. I start college next week.
Eric: Oh. That's awesome.
Donna: Yeah. So what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?
Eric: Look, Donna... When I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing. But now I've been gone so long...
Donna: Eric, things are a lot different now.
Eric: I know. It's just, Donna, I thought about you every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass! Donna... I'm sorry. [they kiss]

Quote from Hyde

Donna: Man, the last day of the '70s. You know, thinking back it's like one big blur.
Hyde: You're welcome.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: You know, Donna, it kinda sucks that you're leaving for college today. I mean, I kinda wanted to ring in the new year by throwing out all your corduroy boy-pants.

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