Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years!
[The background behind Red and Kitty sways as Eric stares at them]
Red: I wish I had 2,000 feet so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Red: Have you been in bed all day?
Eric: Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Kitty: Very nice. Baby says, "It's tight, but not too tight, and I wuv the way you powdered my wittle bottom." [laughs]
Kelso: I never thought I'd say this, but you gotta take it easy on the nads.
Brooke: I know what I'm doing. It's just, it sounded so much easier in the books. Okay, there.
Kitty: Let's have a look. Uh-oh! Baby says, "That's too loose. Now I'm gonna wee-wee on Daddy."
Brooke: I just have to redo the safety pin. God, why can't I do this?
Kitty: Oh, no. Baby says, "Ouch, you poked me. Now I'm gonna cry." [imitates crying]
Brooke: That's it. I give up. [exits]
Kitty: "Oh, Mommy, don't leave me. I don't want to end up in state-run foster care." [imitates crying]
Kelso: You know, you seem normal around your family, but out in the world, you're a little nuts.

Brooke: Look, Michael, I don't want to talk about it. I thought I was ready, but today I found out I don't even know how to use a diaper. We are gonna be covered in poo.
Kelso: Look, I think you're underestimating us, all right? Especially me. Now, these beautiful hands aren't just made for foreplay. Check it out. I remember the first time I baby-sat for my little brother, and he power-dooked all over himself, right? So I got my mom's salad tongs and pulled off his pants, and then I grabbed him by the ankles and took him outside and hosed him off. And voila.
Brooke: Oh, Michael, it's so perfect.
Kelso: See, you got the brains and the maternal instincts, and I know how to wrap ass. We're gonna do this together, and we're gonna be fine.
Kitty: "Oh, Daddy, that's just how I like it."
Kelso: You're really starting to creep me out.

Kitty: I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm gonna have to search that bag. Every time you leave my house with a backpack, I have to buy new hair spray.
Kelso: I didn't take anything. This is lunch. I planned a whole romantic day for me and Brooke.
Kitty: So where are you and Brooke headed?
Kelso: Well, since she's having a baby, I thought I'd take her to a place that kids and girls like, so I figured I'd start the date off at an amusement park, and we'd go on a ride on the Lightning Whip. And then I'm gonna take her horseback riding up to this overlook, and then we're gonna get cozy and drink a little bingo-bango.
Kitty: Oh, sweetie, you're so wrong it makes me want to cry a little. No, look, pregnant women cannot go on roller coasters, and they definitely can't drink alcohol, or bad things can happen to the baby.
Red: Case in point, Eric.
Kitty: Well, we didn't know any better back then. I'm teaching a baby-care class at the hospital. If you brought Brooke, I think she'd be very impressed.
Kelso: All right. Yeah, sign us up. You know, there was a time that all I had to do to impress a girl was turn my eyelids inside out. This baby's changing everything. Oh! [returns Kitty's hairspray]