Eric: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Eric.
Donna: Eric, what are you doing here?
Eric: I changed my work schedule so I could make sure that Mitch keeps his tiny little doll hands to himself.
Donna: Eric, Mitch is not a threat to you. Okay, he's a perfectly harmless guy who happens to worship the ground I walk on. You know, it's not his fault that I'm eye candy.
Eric: Well, relax. Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Welcome to the Holiday Hotel ballroom. I'll be your waiter this evening. But unlike a normal waiter, I despise and may try to destroy you.

Fez: Well, Christy says money's great, but she wants to get to know the real me, and I really care about her. So what's another fake good quality I could pretend to have to trick her into the sack?
Jackie: Okay, okay, well, she's wearing fur, which means she must love animals, which means she must like sensitive guys.
Fez: Sensitive, huh? Oh, you're good.
Christy: Hey, cutie. Where you been?
Fez: Who the hell do you think you are, talking to me like that? I'm sensitive.

Mitch: I guess it's a tradition for the best man to say a few words. And all I really want to say is that my brother is not the only one fortunate enough to find himself in love's warm embrace. So, everybody, I'd like to introduce you to Donna, my new fiancee. Or, as I like to call her, my big, Red love machine. That's her.

Donna: Mitch, what the hell are you doing?
Mitch: Ooh, look at that fireball go. Feisty at the table, feisty in the bedroom.
Eric: No. No. She's feisty in my bedroom, people, my bedroom. Okay, he's just some lying, crazy lunatic. He's crazy. This guy's crazy. And, uh, my congratulations to the happy couple. [Mitch runs off]
Jackie: This is the best wedding I have ever been to.

Eric: So it turns out I was right about Mitch. So let's see, that's you, wrong. Me, right.
Donna: You don't have to rub it in.
Eric: I think I do, Donna. [chuckles] So rub-a-dub-dub, I'm right.

Mitch: I am humiliated! The only way I'm gonna get my pride back is to kick your ass! So I'm challenging you to a fight. That is, unless you're too chicken.
Eric: What is this, third grade?
Mitch: Okay, here's what I just heard. "Third grade." [imitates clucking]
Eric: Okay, you can stop doing that.
Mitch: "Oh, I can stop doing that..."
Eric: Okay, fine. You know what? I'll fight you.
Mitch: Fine. Good. Tomorrow, 5:15, the playground, you be there!
Donna: Uh, why not just do it at 5:00?
Mitch: I have swimming lessons!

Fez: Thank you so much for helping me with Christy. She was telling me what she did last summer at camp, and I think she might be a whore. So if there's anything I can do for you...
Jackie: Actually, Fez, there is. When the bride tosses the bouquet, I really want to catch it. It's such a sweet and magical moment, so I need you to knock some of those fat sluts out of my way.
Fez: I will make those Weebles wobble, and they will fall down.
[later:]
Christy: Fez Ferrari, you're so rich and sensitive, I think I might go all the way with you. But only if you get everyone out of my way so I can catch the bouquet.
Fez: How many bouquets do they throw?
Christy: One.
Fez: Ay.
[later:]
Fez: [inner monologue] Let's see, who do I help? Old friend, new whore? Old friend, new whore? What am I saying? Do the right thing, Fez.
[Fez pushes Jackie out of the way so Christy can catch the bouquet]

Mitch: Well, I see the chicken showed up for his beating.
Eric: How can I be a chicken if I showed up for the fight?
Mitch: You know, it's funny, 'cause what I just heard was... [imitates clucking] Chicken... Fight...

Mitch: What are you doing here? I don't want to fight you. I was just trying to act tough so I can get my self-respect back.
Eric: By threatening me?
Mitch: It's okay. It's okay. I've got a way out of this that'll make us both look good. We'll tell everyone that we worked it out like gentlemen, and now we're the best of friends.
Eric: What? No. Mitch, look, Donna was really nice to you, and you humiliated her. I can't let you treat people like that. Today I'm... I'm standing up for all humanity.
Mitch: Would you do it for a 1968 G.I. Joe Desert Rat edition with the original mess kit?
Eric: [chuckles] Please. I have three of those.
Mitch: The French version?
Eric: G.I. Jacques. It does exist.
Mitch: We got a deal?
Eric: Well, I'm afraid there's not gonna be a fight here. Guys, we worked out our differences, and basically, he's a really great guy. [Mitch clucks behind Eric] Donna, he's doing the chicken thing behind me right now?
Donna: Yeah. He's really good at it.
Mitch: That's not the only thing I'm good at, cherry pie.
Eric: All right, that's it. You're dead.
Mitch: Start the car, Mom! Start the car!