Sandra: I mean, I have a ton of photos of my dogs, but no one wants to see those. Right?
Garrett: Right.
Sandra: Yeah. Not even the one where they're dressed as Ewoks.
Garrett: All right, you know I got to see that. Okay, come on now. Oh, no.
Sandra: Yeah.
Garrett: [laughs] Little Ewok dog. You stealing a speeder? You can't drive a speeder, Ewok dog.

Dina: If you're smelling the workers, you gotta smell Elias. On Thursdays he smells like ham. It's hilarious.
Glenn: Dina, do you think that marijuana could've had anything to do with what Kyle did?
Dina: That's just about the stupidest thing you've ever said.
Glenn: [sighs] Fine. I'm just wondering if I have to start drug testing the employees.
Dina: But you always say that you don't want to do that.
Glenn: I know, but if the alternative is someone in this store getting eaten.
Dina: Oh, wow. Ooh. Well, to be safe, I mean, I could do a surprise comprehensive drug test, but that's your call.
I mean, I could go either way. Do it, don't do it. I mean, if I had to decide, I guess I'm leaning towards do it.
Glenn: Yes. Okay. Go for it.
Dina: It's up to you. [laughs] I'm coming for you, Tommy Chong. I'm coming for you.

Cheyenne: When she's hungry, it's like... [low-pitched wail] But when she's tired, it's like... [low-pitched wail] And when she's...
Garrett: Just shut up about the baby!
Cheyenne: Oh. Um, okay.
Garrett: What?
Cheyenne: What, was I talking too much about the baby? I can stop.
Garrett: Oh. Great. Well, thank you. I mean, it's not that we don't want to hear about your baby, it's just that it's been a lot.
Cheyenne: No, I understand. It's like you with your sneakers.
Garrett: What you mean?
Cheyenne: Oh, you know, how you're always like, "Oh, yeah, I just ordered my pair of retro Jordans that are coming in two days."
Sandra: "You can only get these kicks in Japan." [both laugh]
Garrett: Wow. Really seeing everybody's true colors today. Real cool.

Jeff: I gotta stop by the hotel first. I guess there was some kind of a rodent/bedbug fire. So that's... and after that, though, I was gonna hit the new Italian place. Are you busy?
Mateo: Nope. Oh, let me guess, you want me to clean up that dead pigeon in aisle six?
Jeff: No, I was just wondering if you wanted to get dinner.
Mateo: You mean, like, pick it up for you?
Jeff: No, I mean, like, take you out to dinner to the Italian place that I just mentioned. Have you never been asked out on a date before?
Mateo: You're asking me out on a date?
Jeff: Uh-huh.
Mateo: [laughs] I knew it! Oh, I thought, but then Garrett... Ha! I knew it.
Jeff: So is that a yes?
Mateo: Oh. Um... I haven't even really thought about that. I usually don't date white guys, but you know what? Sure, why not?
Jeff: Great.
Mateo: Oh, my God, I cannot wait to tell Garrett that I was right about this. I'm gonna rub it in his stupid face.
Jeff: Well, you see, this is where it gets a little touchy. Just as a manager, I shouldn't really be dating any employees, so we would have to keep this between us if that's okay.
Mateo: Yeah. You're the boss. [awkward silence] I should really get on that dead pigeon.
Jeff: Yes, I didn't want to ask 'cause I didn't want to ruin the moment.

Glenn: Oh, I'm just having a bad day.
Amy: You want to talk about it? I'm happy to be your blender.
Glenn: My blender?
Amy: Yeah, you know, like, you give me your thoughts and your feelings, and I'll mix 'em up and give you back something real good. [Jonah puts down the blender he was holding up]
Glenn: Okay, I'm not sure I made the right decision about this whole drug testing thing.
Amy: Yeah, it's a bit extreme. Sort of like a... [Jonah holds up a watermelon] it's like a watermelon-sized reaction.
Glenn: Watermelon. Yeah. It's just, I was so wrong about Kyle. It makes me question how much I really know the people around here.
Amy: Sure, you don't know everything about everyone, but you know the important stuff. Like, you know that Garrett is a can of soup. [Jonah holds up a can of soup] You know, he's hard on the outside, but warm and soft on the inside.
Glenn: He is a can of soup.
Amy: Yeah. And Cheyenne is... [Jonah holds up a yoga mat] Cheyenne's a yoga mat. She's colorful and she's fun, and... then also she's, like, a little thick. [Jonah holds up an alarm clock] ...and Jonah is an alarm clock. He's just, like, so annoying in the morning.

Amy: [Jonah holds up a golf club] And you're the golf club. You know? You're... you're the one that... you're the one that...
Glenn: That drives the worker balls soaring towards their full potential.
Amy: Yes.
Glenn: Yeah!
Amy: Exactly.
Glenn: Thank you, Amy. You've really got a way with words.
Amy: Thank you.
Glenn: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tee off on someone.

News Anchor: [v.o.] All the victims were sawed into evenly portioned pieces with their genitals preserved in pickling jars.
Dina: That makes sense.
Garrett: Oh. We sell pickle jars?

Glenn: Okay, let's not rush to judgment. These are just allegations. I'm sure he didn't do it.
Amy: Wait, Glenn? Why are you so sure he didn't do it?
Glenn: Because, Amy, I met Kyle at a corporate conference last year. We had a great conversation. He seemed like a good guy.
Garrett: Well, that settles it. I guess there's no reason for a trial.
Glenn: I am telling you, there is no way that good man could have done this horrible thing. Right, Jeff?
Jeff: [pause] Uh-huh.

Jonah: You know, this was creepy even before he murdered people.
Amy: This paint smells like wet dog, and it's gonna take at least three coats to cover this. This is the worst day ever.
Jonah: The worst.
Amy: I mean, obviously, Kyle the Cloud's victims...
Jonah: Yeah. No, no.
Amy: Had a worse day when he ate their flesh off their bones.
Jonah: Terrible day. That was a terrible day. Goes without saying. Yeah.
Amy: Yeah.
Jonah: Although, at least their suffering is over, you know? Ours has just begun.

Amy: Is it insensitive that I'd rather be in Kyle the Cloud's basement?
Jonah: No. At least you could read down there.
Amy: And it would be so dark and cool.
Jonah: So dark and cool.
Amy: That would be so nice.